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137. Mein Cucumbers!

Posted on: October 2nd, 2011 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Bonjour Miranda Hart cartoonladies and limp wristers alike let’s get straight into it… I am not happy about Sage’s attitude to the wonderful slap stick comedian Miranda Hart. For I have heard on my grapevine that he has asked her to go on a picnic with him and I’m sure, in fact I’m certain, that Sage wants to show her his man part. Like I say, Sage is obsessed. He has said to me in confidence that he is really upset about the BBC and their fast tracking university graduates to their dastardly incest begotten manifest and fold! He thought that we live in a meritocracy until I gave him the full run down. I told him it’s all about membership, he obviously thought I meant “show your prick to Miranda and Bobs your uncle!” How nieve can a chat show host be, and to be honest ladies and gentlmen I’ve seen Sage’s little pumper and it’s really not much to get excited about! You see ladies and gentlemen Sage has been shunned consistently by the BBC due to the fact that he barely passed his eleven plus and had just managed to scrape his way through grammer school. Now only to find himself on the dung heap of showbiz… that being a host of an internet radio show. How low can one stoop!

But like I always say, fuck em, as long as you’re happy, sod it. Do what you want to do!  Point is Sages jealousy knows no bounds and he is bitter, like bitter, he wont let it go. He is relentless in his resentment and blames the Oxbridge crew for his failings! Its the “poor me, poor me,” attitude, yes he keeps making the point that is if you have been in the Cambridge Footlights or have been to Oxford etc you’re in the club, fast tracked, and if not, it’s “bollocks to you and piss off and fry!” But I say “Never Mind The Bollocks” and stop being so pathetic Sage. Fight them with fire dear boy. Riot on the streets of London Sage, until you get that coveted Friday night spot on the BBC! Sage says that he could list them all and that the list is a mile long of top heavy Oxbridge graduates with top jobs at the BBC and that’s “just entertainment” as Paul Weller once stated. Sage says that “these people are very talented in some cases but they are not all, as it were, deserving of their place at the top table”. “Miranda what’s that all about? I fall over all the time and no one pays me!” Sage has been heard to say in private many times, all this while he butters up the Oxbridge massive on his show Chita Chat. However, he adds that having to start on pirate radio made a man of him and the abuse he took from Tony Blackburn toughened up his hide no end, but he refuses to go into detail when it comes to the regime Jonathan King put him through! Now I don’t doubt that it was somewhat of a brave decision Sage, but you can’t say that Tony Blackburn is an example to us for his talent as a broadcaster.

I do question his boating prowess- that squinty eyed tosser Blackburn should have been banned before he started, give me Wogan any day of the week, what with his cheeky Irish wit! Sage the point about all this is, due to the fact that you had made reference to Mein Cucumbers. “My Killer Cumcumbers” I hasten to add. I think that you have taken my suggestion to heart and that you wish to take Miranda on a picnic and that you want to show her your cumcumber in the vain attemt to impress her! What you hope to acheive by this debauched action I have no idea, but I am watching you Sage like the proverbial “HAWK!” And if Miranda fails to turn up for work on Monday I’m afaid the authorities will have to be informed. Point is ladies and gentlemen I fear Sage has become inspired by Fred West and may force feed Miranda his cucumber and bury her on the heath!

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