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148. The Twenty Seven Club! Lightweights Only…

Posted on: April 29th, 2012 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

I can no longer contain myself with regard to these featherweight hell raisers. Im told daily that sex,drugs, and rocknroll is where it’s at! winston churchill cartoonAnd with that I have no argument…! However the point must be made that I knew proper head cases, real piss artists, and lunatics! Allow me to name drop but two, my good friend Jefferey Bernard and the famous U.S. Kraut who once pissed on me while pissed, Charles Bukowski. Two nuts who spent there whole life trying to kill themselves through the demon alcohol but in the end both died of olde age,livers like old dockers boots I say. These two heavyweight boozers killers of the pretend and the average. Listen I do not wish to romanticise alcoholism with its urine covered floors, vomit stained suits, its atrophied muscles,destroyed relationships, broken bones, hearts,and lost lives, but one reality aside however, I do wish to highlight the fact that the twenty seven club is a club for lightweights thats all .

I am perfectly aware of the cancerous damage the drink can cause having lost many friends to it over the years. But slap on The Pogues’ “Streams Of Whiskey” on the jukebox, do a paddy inspired jig, grab a Rubenesq lass by the hand and celebrate life to the fullest. And if your bank manager disapproves flash him your manhood and tell him where to stick it! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being a lightweight and doing things at your own pace, for that is the way to do it. Do not copy or try to be like, for that will lead you up a dark cul de sac where the grim reaper will grab you by the balls and swing you around like you were the ball on a swing ball game!

Learn how to play in the playground of insanity and chaos. If you were a boxer you would not jump straight in the ring with the champ, no, you would fight a few bums first learn how to do it, learn the landscape,make mental notes of how to navigate your way around such an experience! That goes for hell raising too. Dont try to compete with the dons of the game, learn the sport, build yourself up. Learn the language of whatever drug it is you choose to use ! Find out what works for you. Are you a booze man? Maybe its psychedelics, uppers, downers, roundabouters! Take it slow build yourself up and maybe one day you could compete with the likes of Oliver Read or Brian Clough. My point is that one place you don’t want to end up is dead on the floor of the lavatory of the twenty seven club….
I remember a time when I was out drinking with W.Churchill. This was before he had returned as the Lord Of The Admiralty but we were both aware of the gathering storm Heir Hitler had in store for us.

We had started early in the parliament bar in Westminster. I was taking it easy on the Dubonnet Wine as I was a young man and knew that I could not compete with dear Winston drink for drink at the time. He was on his favorite tipple “Johnnie Walker Red Label” he`d already smashed back half a bottle of the stuff and to be honest it hadn’t really touched the sides! Yes I was a lightweight at the time drinking my sweet, wine-based aperitif and Winston knew it, but being the boozer he was he knew that to push me any harder would mean for him loosing a drinking partner early in the evening and Winston did not believe in leaving men on the battle field!
So he allowed me to drink at my pace and he drank at his. But I got cocky and arrogant, youthful ego had set in and I started ordering gin and tonics. I had drank a hand full of the fuckers. I`d mixed my drinks and thought I was doing alright like a novice dancing around the ring throwing out pawing jabs just to keep the distance,thinking I was in the fight until my opponent slipped left jumped to the right and dropped me with a body shot that for me to think that I could recover from was mere fantasy!

Truth is within the next hour I had thrown up my fish supper all over the very expensive curtains of the bar.
I remember Winston shouting at the barman.
“My good friend Colonel Cuthbert.Crabtree-Smythe has disgorged himself all over your wonderful curtains, I must apologise on his behalf as he is in no fit state to do so himself !”
Sadly that was not the only discharge of the evening !
Thinking that I was over the worst I had decided to fart. Oh boy did I pass wind . Only to be followed by the most almighty of follow throughs humanly possible. To be crude I shat myself. I lay there a like a beaten fighter my underpants filled like a new born baby. I rolled over as if trying to make the count but it was hopeless i was done …. I had pushed too hard, no pun intended and had been whooped by the older champion. Lessons learned, apologies made, I made for Sandhurst to ready my self for the Nazis ! Winston Churchill was made Prime minster and the rest as they say is history. I think all I am saying is know your limits, find them, then push…

Anyhow that said Im off for a drink of scotch and a line of ketamine at the Establishment Club, and I hope to see you all on the other side. Wishing you all well and remember do your thing and things should be ok!

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One Response

  1. A fine tale old chap, when shall we expect your return?

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