weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

152. Pull Your Socks Up And Sort Yourselves Out!

Posted on: July 22nd, 2012 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

colonel wakes upNo one truly knows the pain I feel. I am an olde man, I’ve been doing this life thing for a long time now and my candle refuses to dim (or at least I thought as much). Now I may need a little bit of chemical enhancement to keep me from completely seizing up but that is par for the pitch. In this day and age of medical miracles, testosterone replacement and Viagra, I for one am going strong and hope to do so for many more years! However, I did have a bit of a scare only recently when Alvyn Lindwall was brought round to my humble Cardinal-Cap-Alley abode by Sage to do a deep clean!

Worst days work I’ve ever witnessed, I’d have been in better hands with Frank Spencer at the wheel! Nevertheless I agreed to have the cretin Lindwall over to unclutter my city flat. Now, on the surface everything seemed normal Lindwall wittering away in the dullest of veins, Sage trying to control the scene. I told Lindwall that I would be in the sitting room and that he should start upstairs in the bedrooms. Sage said he had to leave as he had another appointment near London Bridge a detail that is not important, not to me anyhow!

So there I am relaxed “Test Match Special” on the radio a copy of Peter Aykroyds London on the coffee table. I must have been tired as I nodded off! I was awoken by screams, the screams of Lindwall perhaps? and then it made sense for the smallest of moments. “Ahhhhh, help me Cuthbert!” Maybe I was dreaming as nobody calls me Cuthbert these days not since the passing of my dear sweet mother! So I itched my testicles and closed my eyes again! That’s when I felt powder and small debris land upon my head and face…
I opened my eyes “Colonel, help me!” I looked up, dust in the eyes, I couldn’t see. I panicked rubbing my eyes this didn’t help! Of course it made things worse “Chinese Dust Torture!”
Now I was screaming “Ahhhhh!” “Fuck I’m blind.” I couldn’t see my own hands, I rolled off my chair onto the floor marine style and crawled to the downstairs lavatory.
I rose to my knees, turned on the cold tap and filled my cupped hand with water cleaning my eyes out as I did so! My heart pumping ” What in Gods hell is going on?” I cried as I got the last bits of plaster out of my eyes still unable to see, in fact it was all a blur!
“Lindwall!” I thought, “you stupid bastard,” I said aloud…

Imade my way back to the sitting room and looked upward my eyes still clearing. Sure enough Lindwalls work boots were dangling.There he was stuck,he had somehow fallen through the ceiling and was now lodged at his waist, “You buffoon, what the hell are you doing?”

“Well I was trying to clean your bedroom!” was the reply! That’s when I decided to take the broom to him. I got it from the kitchen and began to beat Lindwalls backside like it was an Indian rug and I was getting the dust out! He screamed and begged but I was not going to stop. The idiot needed to be dealt with, and had this been the army I would have “Court Martialed” the fucker!
I mean for God’s sake is there no let up? That’s when he began to loosen or should I say that’s when the rest of the ceiling began to give around his waste. It went and so did he, his body doubled over and he fell face first into my favorite now ruined chair his arse upwards and that’s when I noticed my iron fire stoker, and Lindwall was going to get it.
My bedroom floor destroyed and my sitting room ceiling like wise! I grabbed the stoker and rammed it though the seat of his pants and underwear up his bottom. “When im finished with you” I thought “Your anus will look like a blood orange!”

That’s when he gave the scream of a banshee, and I realised I had made my point. “Please Cuthbert please, stop I’m sorry, I meant no harm its just that your home is shoddy!”

That’s when I blacked out, the world “Shoddy” echoing through my consciousness, what the hell was going on? I came round ten minutes or so later with Lindwall doing a “rain dance” that he called his “prayer for life dance!”
Things seemed normal, Lindwall was acting like a cunt, although I have to add that the hole in the ceiling was still glaring down at me!
“What the hell happened Lindwall?”
“You fainted!”
“People like me don’t faint Lindwall, I`ve had a heart attack you idiot, now get me to the hospital. On second thoughts don’t, I will take myself, where is Abdul?
“I don’t know, its just he left when I arrived, said, he “didn’t need this shit anymore,” I told him that perhaps he had a point.”
“Well he’s fired anyway send him back to Bradford see how far he gets!”
“He’ already gone, I don’t think you have a say in the matter!”
“Thats very matter of fact Lindwall!”
“Well I normally am!”

“This could go on for ever” I thought, and it probably did, but the point about it all is Lindwall nearly sent me to the morgue, sent me packing. He the most dull and simple of souls was to be the one to decommission me had that whole train of events transpired a little differently.
I fucking took on the Japanese, The Nazis, Judo Gene Lebell, I rolled with Helio Gracie.
I don’t need to say anymore than to say when it comes, it comes quietly, sneaking, creeping, like a Ninja in the night but not as grand. It comes with two feet dangling through the ceiling in a dull monotone voice.

So please enjoy every moment my good people, for its all we have!

Colonel's signature

Be Sociable, Share!


|


Leave a Reply