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162. Who Shot the Red Baron?

Posted on: May 6th, 2013 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

The Red red baron cartoonBaron is it? Well, I will tell thee about Manfred Albrecht Von Richthofen the man was wet behind the ears, overrated, nothing special, not worth even writing home about after all if he was any good he would not have been shot down near the Somme River. The fact of the matter was and is that Richthofen never died, yes he was shot down, but death no, as it was I who found him dangling with parachute open in a tree with his pecker hanging out and dare I say – it was at half mast and even though he was a kraut honesty must prevail his sausage was huge and I understood at this juncture why he was called the Red Baron.

Immediately I knew I was dealing with a deviant and as I tried to cut him down he peed on me gave me a proverbial German golden shower. The sauerkraut peed all over my first world war British army issue uniform so I gave him the cold steal sliced his thigh to the bone and told him to zip up. I knew I had a real trophy here and decided to climb the tree and cut him down from above release him from the parachute. This I did with full marks and the Baron slipped out of his shoot and landed in a crumpled heap on the ground clutching his thigh as he did so.

I jumped down from my high vantage point and shoved my 303 rifle into his face shouting “don’t move Von Richthofen!” I could see the chap was in some considerable pain after all he had just bailed from a high flying plane and now he had a gash in his leg to deal with so I feeling a little sorry for the fucker decided to give him what they call milk of the poppy other wise known as laudanum hoping that it may subdue him as well as relive his agony. Remember I would not have stabbed him in the leg had he not peed on me, he had started it and I was in the process of finishing him off. I asked him where his Red Fokker was and in his now smacked out state he began laughing uncontrollably and he said…

“You English wiz your zilly zense of humor,you ordered me to put my red fokker away and zat is what I did!” I was not going to take this from a drugged out German after all the carry on films had not been invented yet so I gave him the end of my rifle right to the temple knocked him out somewhat he slumped in a heap and I must say he did look rather peaceful as a small trickle of blood ran down his cheek and thats when I decided to rifle though his pockets and on doing so I found his wallet and in his wallet was a little black book of ladies phone numbers and love letters. One of the letters went as follows -

“Oh my darling Manfred how I miss our nights together, and how I wish I was still squeezing on your big red, knowing full well that satisfaction is not far off. I miss thee with all my heart be safe my big red one kill as many English dogs as you can, damn them all to hell we must end their Empire once and for all!” Brigitte.

What was I to do? I was stranded with no radio contact with my platoon and in my possession I had the Red Baron so thats when I decided to tie the German hero to a tree and then try to find help without the worry of the Germans escape if I took him with me and he would have slowed me somewhat. So I dragged him by his collar to the trunk of an old tree and secured him into place with good old British fishing rope.I then pushed his head back and dropped another dose of laudanum down his throat hopefully that would keep him busy for an hour or so-opiate dreams dear boy- such wonderful things.

So with mild apprehension I broke cover and headed for the grass lands looking for high ground so I could let off my flare as darkness was not for off. I with pure British spunk and gravy smelling of Kraut piss but in great haste found a loverly looking hillock I climbed said hillock looking like im sure a bit of a pillock but without hesitation I let off my only flare hoping that it would attract the attention of the right side. I mean to say how awful would it have been if I had awoken the German patrols out looking for the Big Red one . It was now time to get back to my P.O.W- Von Richthofen. Thats when I realised that I was lost completely and utterly dumbfounded as to where I was in relation to the tree of many that my Kraut was tied to.

After eight hours searching woodland, hill, and dale as morning broke I eventually found a tree with a parachute in its branches the fishing rope was still there but it had been gnawed through. Typical German,rats the lot of them and if you wanted proof of this fact look at what the Baron had done to my fishing rope, he had ratted through it eaten his way free and escaped. I had allowed this to happen due to incompetence as I was told later at the court martial. I had let the Red Baron slip through my fingers and I still to this day do not know where he got to. Although I must say sometime during the early sixties I received the first of an anonymous dirty phone call.

It was late evening and I had just heard the news of Kennedy’s demise and was sitting down with a copy of Sherlock Holmes and my phone rang, of course I answered it as my house boy at the time Hasheem was praying in the basement.

“Hello,Colonel Cuthbert Crabtree- Smythe here- who is speaking?”
” Ahhhh Zeeee Colonel is it? Mmmmmmmm you still smell of piss?
“Who the hell is this?”
“You still want to see my Big Red you English fool?”
“Is this Manfred?”
“Who is this man Fred you so desire Colonel?”
“I don’t know any Fred other than Fred Truman but your no northerner,”
“No I am a high flier and I will shit on you then piss all over you, I know you like the piss Englishman.”
“Your an animal who ever you are, a filthy beast.”
” You like tie zem up games ah English? You want to play with Big Red tie him to the bed ah you want to take one for za platoon?Shoot off your flare to no affect!”
“How dare you suggest I am a jaffer!”
“One day colonel one day we vill meet again I don’t know where or ven but one day!”
“To hell with you- you odious, verminous, deviant!”
“Watch the skies Colonel watch the skies. have you flair at ze ready”(click)

The phone was hung up and I was left with a dialing tone, not sure if I was being mocked by the Red Baron himself or an impostor but to my mind the call I received in 1963 had to have been Manfred von Richthofen and I await our rematch and if there is a next time the cold steal goes into the gut twice.Bloody Germans! Thats when I called Hasheem from the basement and told him to man the guns.
There is more to this story as like I say that was not the only dirty call I received but now I have I nice tracking system set up so if Big Red does phone again I will catch him hook line and stinker and it will be he who needs to watch the skies.

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