weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

168. Elevenses, Wet Wallies and Lobbyists.

Posted on: November 24th, 2013 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe

Ladies Vlad Putinand Gentlemen time is short and my enemy today is the Russian premier Vladimir Putin and his bull dogs. The vile patriarch that wishes to silent the spirit of revolution. So as a direct action to his repressive nonsense I plan to head out to Russia with my trusty steed Faye Featherlight at my side. My main mission is to help free the two incarcerated Pussy Riot girls. I speak of Maria Alyokhina who to my mind is modern day Joan of Arch and the celestial Nadia Tolokonnikova who really is quite something. She looks good and she knows it! Anyhow our dear sweet Nadia has been moved to a Gulag in Siberia for having an opinion and for refusing to eat the gruel that she is served on a daily basis. The girl is a force of nature.

I for one wish to free Nadia, Maria and all woman kind from the steal fist of man and his testicular manacles.

The spirit of woman must be allowed to express itself to envelope the world. It is a healing loving spirit. Mother nature wants her planet back. The matriarch must be allowed to sing her song she must be allowed to fly. Was it John Lennon who once sang that Woman Is the Nigger of The World? Well I am a feared to say that this is still the case regardless of the great strides that may or may not have been taken or made. Like the African spirit that has been repressed by those who fear it. The feminine also has been bludgeoned by men who fear the feminine the vagina and the menstrual cycle. They fear that blood of life.

They describe the strong woman as demonic. As a witch,as a resister to the male reality. They call her Eve for wanting the so called forbidden knowledge. They call her Jezebel. They see her as Delilah cutting the hair of Samson making him weak.

Why do we fear our mothers,daughters our sisters our lovers and wives? What is wrong with mankind that we have to lock up a warrior princess an artist no less, a holy fool for wanting to bring balance, art, freedom and fun back to our world.

It is no mistake or accident that the universe that Gaia the great mother of all. The primal Greek mother goddess the creator and giver of birth to the earth and all the universe has seen to it that the female spirit is rising and her voice is loud as it must be heard. It’s no cock up that she has produced these female entities at a time when we need the matriarch to bring balance and stability into our world. Women to inspire our daughters to be more than just a male fantasy or a Disney princess. Women who teach men how to be better men. It’s time to hear mother nature mother earth time to stop the destruction Mummy is pissed off.

Ronda Rousey also another force of nature is doing her bit to shine a light. Pussy Riot are doing their part but the risks seem to be high. Bjork is and has been howling from the icy north for over a decade now. Sinead O Connor is another fighting for balance along with many others and it is time to listen.So I plan to bring them all together I will tunnel under the Gulag walls and will free the Tolokonnikova and we will ride roughshod through the Russian quarter brining together the communities in a spirit of love humor and revolution. Faye Featherlight said he will do his best Larry Grayson impression if we come face to face with those vile Orthodox believers. Those antiquated old farts who should have died out in the middle ages should run a mile at the sight of Featherlight with a mince pie up his bottom to give him the full effect as he tells them all to “Shut that door!”I think it will have the desired effect. They wont know whats hit them and I’m pretty sure they wont know what door he is on about confusion will reign and time will be bought. I am sure it will give us a chance to escape the Tundra and we can get Tolokonnikova on to a train and we can travel the full length of Russia to the West on the Russian Trans Siberian railway. Hopefully we will bump into Karl Pilkington who is always good for a moan.

My ultimate plan however is to get Tolokonnikova and Rousey together in a room and hopefully then they will come up with a plan and course of action to bring down the Russian bear and the American Empire. Like I say its time for me to give something back as I have taken so much and many people have suffered my lash and I think its time these girls got taken seriously as they really are incredible on many levels but most joyous about them is their ability to smile even when everything has turned to shit.It’s infectious. Viva Las Vegas and the revolution. Lets rid the world of soppy white men who make love with their socks on.

Colonel's signature

P.S. Finally for those men out there who wish to come out in solidarity with the Pussy Riot and the female struggle I suggest a simple plan of direct action. Each man who wishes to join in with our undertaking should go out and purchase a singular tampon. He should then pull down his trousers and underpants and then squat as if to shit in the woods. He should then insert said tampon up the anus leaving the string hanging free. Then we take to the streets as an army of tampon wearing revolutionaries. This way I feel we show the world how we feel about the current situation and we refuse to cover our strings or remove our tampax until the Pussy rioters are set free. If we did this en masse at a set time I think we can make a difference.

Humanity is depending on us!

Be Sociable, Share!


|


Comments are closed.