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24. Upsetting everyone

Posted on: April 16th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Jeffery Archer, ex-conThe whole thing has got out of hand. I didn’t make the historical connection and I didn’t mean to upset Winston, I like Winston. I couldn’t give a toss about anyone else truthfully, but Winston is a good man and has been very kind to me. Unlike Sage who I feel tries to make me look worse than I am. Sage tried to corner me today and tried to make me look foolish. He said buggery was proof of homosexual behavior and that I should admit to being gay. He called me a faggot… I think Sage suffers from homophobia. He’s a Nazi, the shorts are a dead give away. For I feel Sage wants to hang me for my buggery days and he questions my potency. He says that Matthew hates me and that I found him in a basket in Burma… I think he has been reading the old Testament.

Like Moses who was found in the bull rushes. Sage want me to be like everybody else and be one thing. But I’m not one thing… What I mean is I don’t define myself by one thing. What was it that Zimmerman said in his song ‘Maggie’s farm’?… I try best to be just like I am, but everybody want you to be just like them. They say sing while you slave, but I just get bored. The truth is that I’m like a box of licorice… All sorts piled one on top of the other highly susceptible to a fall…But even spread-eagled, splayed in disarray all over the deck you would still want a piece of me, get your teeth into my licorice essence as it were… But off the record I do apologize to Winston. But only because I don’t like to see my friends in tears. But I will say he needs to toughen his hide. Also Sage admitted his love of Jeffrey Archer. But I think he wants me off the show in the long term… He want’s Jade Goody and her spouse to replace me… how silly is that?…

bum bandit of westminster bridgeAlso I would like to add Jose Mourinho has left Chelsea which is wonderful news because he was the best thing about them and now they really are scum… But truth is, I feel that my Brother Willow (The Bum Bandit of Westminster Bridge) may be to blame for the Portuguese managers speedy flight from the Stamford public toilet. But the sad news is my dear friend Freddie Flintoff is injured again, the old ankle is playing up. Why did Snape bat before Macuranus? An unfortunate name no less but why in a 20-20 game do you put a nudger and a nurdler before a proven six hitter? Retarded action…fucker wits…

Now moving on. Sage sees himself as a bit of a singer… A Jimmy Young of sorts. And it was awful as he retched some sort of toneless animalistic groan live on air today. He’s a performer of kind but he’s no more a performer than Garry Barrow…

Now as I said on screen I did have the back room boys over to my house to try to make the peace… to make amends as it were. I think Featherlite and Winston had a fine time. I showed them many a film… I showed them a short film about Davis Ike and his plans to win the Iraq war. The world is not safe from Davis Ike`s plans take over the world with self-perpetuating lizards but anyway you my friends have heard my ramblings about the flawed genius that is Ike…

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