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61. Jonathan Ross

Posted on: November 10th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 2 Comments

Russell Brand yesterdayWelcome back again viewers. As Sam Kinison once said; ‘Why do we always kill the good guys? The one’s who wish to help us in our evolution.’ For instance, why could not a bomb have gone off on the set of Jam and Jerusalem and rid us of that gross infestation of corporate rust? Bunch of turds if ever I saw a bunch a turds…

Anyway and also, I would like to point out certain things that may or may not have come to your notice -  Arsenal – a good olde fashioned English team – no Zealots at Ashburton Grove. Sorry Spurs fans- I’m not really – I really couldn’t give a flying fuck about Spurs fans… the way they treated the Nazis was awful victimisation.

Now it would appear, and I do say this with a degree of reserve and of course my usual degree of dignity: what is the man Smythe trying to say? What is he getting at? I hear you say. Well, these ramblings are a part of my reticence in relation to my deep feelings for the man Sage Mackorkadale. For he doesn’t know how close he has come to receiving a good olde fashioned public school boy beating. As I write I can feel that old urge coming in on me… yes! My repressed soldier is waking to the sounds of Sage Mackorkadale`s idiotic transgressions. A fool indeed… a fool in the making. I’m sure the Beatles wrote that song about him. A song about Sage`s Hamsteadite activities on high ground… ‘Yellow Submarine’ or was it ‘Eleanor Rigsby’? On second thoughts, it may have been ‘Fool on a Hill’ with George Michaels waving his red flag in gross anticipation of Sages renowned  clandestine dogging  hill top activities.

Yes my little diffuser is not working… my built in censor (as it were) is asleep at the wheel. Oh my one track mind set. Yes I’m like Samuel L Jackson in Goodfellas shot for sleeping at the wheel. Yes the killing machine that I once was, is surfacing again all because of Sage and the way he is distancing himself from me and his jonathan ross yesterdaynew show ‘Chit-a-Chat’ I mean after all the interviews I have given… the deep and meaningful aspects that I have allowed him to draw out of me…  The man Mackorkadale never mentioned the new show ‘Chit-a-Chat’ to me. I found out about this deception oh yes! It took a phone call from Johnny Ross. He said that Sage was doing a Fredo Corleone on me and taking sides against the family. Winston and Featherlite-well-they feel the same way. We may have to send Sage out fishing with my hitman Norman Wisdom and have this dealt with. Nipped in the bud once and for all! The fact of the matter is I have refused to go on Ross’s show on a number of occasions due to my loyalty to Sage. But still the man Ross found it in his heart to give me this information. And I feel that Sage owes me an unequivocal apology… or it is the fishing trip for him!

But then again maybe Ross has an ulterior motive and wants to show me his doctor dicky backstage? All this to upstage my bats wing. Ross being the competitive swine that I always feared him to be… Well, his Manuelian shenanigans with buddy Russell Brand have scuppered any chance of that!

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2 Responses

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