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46. Alistair Darling’s Eyebrows

Posted on: June 15th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 2 Comments

alistair darling cartoonI have had a tough week and before I go on I must say I have had to reprimand Alistair Darling, who (as far as I am concerned) has got out of hand. The man is a cretinous cringe who has started to act like a prefect at school after a dorm raid gone wrong. Panic is the word. He has gone a trifle potty-potty. But I must add (or ask); did you notice the difference in his appearance? This was after we kidnaped him of course. The contrast was startling. What with his white hair. Yes, we dyed his eyebrows… yes we held him down and we dyed those eyebrows black. We had to. For he was looking far too much like the cricketing hero of yesteryear: David Steele the Ashes winner, a legend, and a Yorkshireman. Not to be mocked by liberal lefties and limp wristed Lancastrian bigots, the likes of Michael Atherton and others. I mean, it could be the war of the roses all over again. For Atherton is an animal and very dangerous with a pair of bamboo sticks and Mike Gatting’s olde cricketing testicle cup that he uses for some sort of decadent breathing… a simulatory act at the house of Decadent Dalliances like he was Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. But truth be told I did not want a mix up in the torture chamber, so, we dyed Alistair Darling`s eyebrows black so that he would look more like the shifty charlatan that he truly is. Now he always stands out in a crowd. This in its own way protects the dear, sweet, wonderful, sheepish David Steele from any unwarranted misunderstandings which could lead to him being thrashed for government cock ups. And so it was that we tied Alistair Darling down dyed his eye brows black with peroxide and marmite. It’s permanent, so he either has to shave them off (his brows that is) and start again (he could wear make up) or just wing it. But he will never again pass as the Ashes hero David Steele… something that I know he has prospered and profited from over the years, managing to get free drinks at restaurants and oral sex at award ceremonies (although Harriot Harman denies the allegations wholeheartedly saying that she had never performed fellatio on David Steele… not to her knowledge anyway).

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said in public that he will stand by them both even though Darling now looks ridiculous with those black eyebrows and white hair. But the fact of the matter is that Darling has really let us all down. You see the thing with this government is they wish to have identity cards. Something that I disagree with, and I had been talking to Otis Van-Strapon in this regard. And Badger is against them (id cards that is). He said that he fought in the Second World War so that we didn’t have to live in a fascist police state. And, as I say, I tend to agree. So, I thought, how am I going to put the kibosh on this proposed id card issue? This Orwellian Brazilesque ‘Brave New World’ nightmare?… the ultimate attack on our personal liberty and freedom. How am I going to put the kibosh on it whilst blaming the Muslims for it in the meantime? This seems to be Labour`s agenda to me as they conjure up the illusion of fear and it’s happening before our eyes. The nanny state CCTV reality in which we choose to live. Well not I! So I said that we should kidnap Darling give him a public schoolboy beating. A prodding, punching, shoes in pillow case. Yes, we would flip his bed, dye his eyebrows black and steal his child benefit compact discs.

On looking at the discs after analysis we found that they were not only to contain benefit information but we also found a mountain of gay porn on Darling’s discs, which was a slight shock I must say. So we stole his discs with the 25million peoples information and data. The porn excited Fay Featherlight so much that she had trouble dipping her biscuit. So, that is what we did… yes, we stole the discs. I thought if we were to do that and then were to leak the story to the press… tell them that the discs had gone missing… mention Northern Rock and Richard Branson… stir the soup as it were. Mention words like ‘backhanders’, ‘cash for honors’, ‘gay porn’ and ‘sleazy sticky sheets’, ‘tax payers money’, ‘labour party donations’ and such and such… then the point would be made that if the powers that be wanted to push forward the agenda of identity cards we put forward the argument that if you can’t hold onto child benefit data. How the hell are you going to hold onto a nations data? A whole nation of people and their information in the nation? Imagine if the information got into the wrong hands… that was my argument and twas to Darling too… when I was plucking his nasal hairs and kicking him.

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2 Responses

  1. Roy Vice says:

    have a drink on me —–

  2. Jason says:

    I love your blog! I try to visit as much as possible and catch up on the posts and comments. It’s very good material that can be serious and extremely funny at the same time. It’s a nice release from my stressful job…thanks!

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