Sage doesn’t know that I know of his secret liaisons with Sir Robert Trouser -you think the association is a myth? Well read on and consider the facts…

I will be blunt and say it outright: Sage holds the lease on a large piece of real-estate in Thailand.  I heard certain plans being discussed as I was standing on a lavatory seat looking for Andy Peters’ crack pipe - a scurrilous piece of merchandise that I believed was secreted behind the system, like Al Pacino’s gun in The Godfather. You may well ask about the bounder that is Peters but that can wait until another day, the point about it is Sage must have thought he was completely alone in the lavatory… he must have checked under the compartment doors but he couldn’t see my feet so he continued as if he were alone. Anyway, he made his notorious phone call to the bounder that is Sir Robert Trouser whilst popping his penis through a glory hole.  ‘Strange’ I thought as I looked down to see such a sight: Sage’s manhood waiting patiently for a partner to take it and release him from the quagmire of physical dependency… and another thing… who said men cant multi task? Probably those vile TV Loose Women pontificating about nothing.

What I heard will shock you even more: as Sage switched his phone to loudspeaker thinking that the coast was clear. A schoolboy error if ever there was one! Yes like I say what I heard will shock you to the core of your being… from what I could gather - Trouser and Sage were in the process of opening a sweatshop in Thailand making ladies under garments designed by Ashley Cole the Chelsea and ex-Arsenal man. As they talked I was able to get the basic idea of the obscene design - Trouser called it ‘The Rectorial Mobile Phone Split End Placer’ with ‘Clean Up Pack’ - a soft tissue elaborate - or the sales name of ‘The Moby’ or in fact ‘The Knicker Bocker Glory’ - the later being my preference…

Now if you haven’t gathered a full mental picture of the dreaded Ashley Cole design, here is a clear colloquial description of the ladies underwear blueprint scheme and plan: There was to be a split in the rear of the pant for mobile phone placement with tissue dispenser at the front for clear up purpose. And as the dirty dog that is Cole had said to Trouser (and as Trouser relayed to Sage) -he’d seen a gap in the market [ha  bloody ha] for the vibrating phone and ‘he went for it’ said Trouser, ‘And why not?’ said Sage… pulling his little dickey from the glory hole… a disappointment indeed (depending on how one looks at it). Not my bag, but each to their own. But Sage would have got a shock if I had made my ‘presence’ felt and gone to work on his little procreator. I must also add this as proof positive with regard the explorative nature of Cole… and of course the bounder doesn’t care who he uses to achieve his fiendish ends. I mean; everyone thought that his dear wife was being ultra sensitive by crying too much on the X-Factor - sensitive yes! But not for reasons emotional…

The fact was she was sensitive to one of Ashley’s anal probing prototypes! The fiend that he is! I mean he would ring her up on silent vibrating mode every time there was a judgmental situation developing. If you look closely you can see that the poor girl is in pain and cries like a baby… the man is a monster and so is Sage to want to make pennies from that heinous penetrator of Coles. And that is the real reason he left Arsenal - he wanted Arsene Wenger to back him…yes! back him financially (if you pardon the whimsical aspect of my terminology). I do apologise, not for the offence, I’m just sorry that you are offended when one considers that at just this minute someone has been shot in a war right now. But needless to say the Arsenal coach was appalled by Ashley’s business proposal and the rest is history. This in itself I could forgive, but to use Paul Gadd the Glittered one for recruitment for the new factory in Thailand… that really is a bridge too far and sick like the Aristocrats. I also fear that Ashley was wearing the said split Knicker with mobile vibrator when he gave the ball away against Kazakhstan in the all important worlds cup qualifier. That is why he was dropped against Belarus for when Fabio Capello found the now blood stained pants he beat our hero in Mafia style with a Parmesan cheese block and a bicycle chain… Wayne Bridge was called in - I know London Mayor Boris Johnston is out raged by Cole’s beating… as he was seen hurling tin baths out of City Halls top window…

Now lets be clear about this those who booed our Ashley so vehemently  after the incident - I mean; if you are going to blame someone for the Kazak goal blame Cheryl Cole who had rang the new-fangled  probing vibrator in vengeful mode putting Ashley off his game. If you look at the film footage you patently will see that after the goal was scored it seems like Ashley had a pained expression… don’t you believe it! That was a look of ecstatic orgasmic pleasure - the dirty dog that Cole is! I now know that Rio Ferdinand (the acting captain of the day) has confiscated the vibrating phone and given the knickers to David Beckham… who likes to wear them on his head around the house while tugging on his galaxy quest with a vigour that only Ashley Cole could understand. Each to their own I say…

All I can say is that Sir Robert Trouser is not a man to be messed around with and he doesn’t like to be spoken about on Radio. Sage should watch his back… especially if Henry Kissinger gets wind of what has gone on.

Moving on, I was shocked and disgraced to hear that Sage had rubbed himself up against Dianne Abbot on a busy tube train. Disgraceful behaviour! And I just wanted to let you know… you out there who depend on me… where I stand on such issues -Rubbing your semi-conscious deviant dickey onto the rear of a fully dressed Hackney MP is a scandal! It’s not as if Dianne Abbot doesn’t have enough to deal with… what with having to keep Michael Portillo’s sexual advances at bay: which has become very difficult since Michael has lost weight and has become very versatile in his attacks. But now for the first time in her life she has had to experience blatant and flagrant sexual tomfoolery on a tube train by our very own Sage Mackorkadale!

I must say I have offered to pay for the dry cleaning but Dianne (being the olde war horse that she is) has said that she will scrub the stain away herself - in true working class East End fashion. All this with a solution of vim, fairy liquid and elbow grease… under any other circumstances it would be ‘well done Sage!’ but in this instance working himself off in this appalling anti-social manner-well! I cannot forgive… and neither can Dianne’s loyal constituents. One of whom being Ernest Pickering-Foster who, as I have explained, is no stranger to vile sexual practice. But even he is outraged and has said that if he ever sees Sage on a tube train he will be at him with his soiled pack of Walkers crisps. All I can say about that is: Sage, it will be no picnic with Pickering.

Tags: ashley cole, cheryl cole, david beckham, diane abbot