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136. The Art of Seductions

Posted on: September 18th, 2011 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Hello ladies and gentleman, freaks,dandy highwayman local scum, looters and bastard politicians! Welcome back to my memoirs the fourteenth edition of these unread masterpieces….Why I bother I really dont know ? I jest and I mock of course like you – good reader – I would slap ones member onto the computer keyboard for kicks I write to be unread memoirs…! Oh how tedious the world has become and in particular Sage! Now if it wasn’t for the historical fact or essence of our recent conversation I would be very confused at this moment in time and I’m sure your bally confused as we speak…  “None of this makes any sence!” you cry!

Point is if you listen to the Podcast of our interviews using the little player at the top of this page things would start to become clear in your little pea brains. All am trying to say is that Sage is a buffoon, a wild cretin on the loose like a retarded cannibal on the hunt for beef Wellington or maybe it’s the Duke of Wellington he’s after. And if that was the case it is I who is the retard for I must have misread the memo. Small margins people small margins! Anyhow enough of all this nonsence my little revolutionaries! What has got my goat is Sage and all his ‘stand and deliver’ nonsense . I ask what was he on about? I mean to ridicule our national hero Dick Turpin in our latest interview was criminal, a man who robbed the rich to give to the poor, I say it is bad form and wrong to infer that Dick Turpin took advantage of the women coach travellers, because ladies and gentleman it is Sage who is the fantasist, tis he who takes the view that you should rob the men-folk and take advantage of the women-folk.

I know all this to be fact for I have done my investigations. I have taken DNA swabs, finger prints, clothing samples, and anal scrapes. And I have come to the conclusion that our Sage has always had a highwayman fetish. How do I know this for sure? Well I have also had a peek under his bed on a number of occasions and let me say what I found affirmed and confirmed… the scientific evidence… and it is proof positive of Sages perversity! Additionally, let me add (just for sensationalistic candor of course), Sage’s bedroom did remind me of Rose West’s bedroom, I have to say that I found it to be very sinister and uninviting, unless of course you are one of those Lord Boothby types who like the seamier side of life. I have done this research on Sage as a matter of curiosity, because of his holier than thou attitude. So what did I find secreted under a soiled pair of undergarments? But a picture, a polaroid no less of Sage wearing no more than a highwaymans mask while it seemed he was massaging his lower proboscis with one hand while the other was shooting water (i pray that it was water) from a water pistol into the mouth of the well known televison entertainer and advertising superstar that being the famed water sports and golden shower champion Twiggy. Who in this picture was on all fours dressed as all five members of the Spice Girls , shocking grotesque and unbelievable I know, but I have the photographic evidence to prove it !
Also found under the bed was the rather large water pistol that I’m sure was used in his highwayman sex games! Perish the thought, what on earth was the man Sage thinking? And what of poor Twiggy?… for I feel certain her best days are behind her!

I say you are not what you appear to be Sage… you are a pervert who needs to stimulate yourself in the art of play acting, but your secret is safe with me I won’t be posting the polaroid for I feel you would be destroyed by its spreadings… and truth is I wouldn’t like to spoil your goody two shoes persona and illusion. However, I just want you to know that I know – you’re like Philip Schofield, a vile contaminator.

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