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63. Attack on the Pope

Posted on: November 30th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

Now I would like to say a few positive words about Sergio Crease; the Man from Scope. I want to emphasise is that Sergio is not the demon that Sage makes him out to be. I know that the stabbing of my dear friend Winston (my wonderful  black back room boy) wasn’t nice but stabbing is fashionable these days and Sergio was always down with the kids because of his early emotional problems. Crease was somewhat stressed at the time of the stabbing and felt that he had been snubbed by Sage…

Bob Geldof cartoonI must say that stress related illness is not an excuse for a stabbing but it doe help in some way to understand the anomalies that exist in the life and times of the man from Scope… as he is called now. The fact is that Sergio has more than made up for his misdemeanours with his superhero actions and antics in the last few months, and yes I do know that the Pope himself has forgiven Sergio for his great leaping attack onto the holy motorised carriage. The thing is… I know Sage thinks that it was (in his own words) ‘an abomination of the first order’. I mean to attack God’s voice on Earth – whatever next! That vicious Scoper could go for anyone or anybody – it could even be myself or Sage… Sage is scared of his own shadow.

I say: What stuff and nonsense Sage! For I said (or tried to explain to Mackorkadale) that Crease was too busy doing Ken Livingstone’s good works and supervising the Mayor`s dubious tin bath activities to attack us again with his Stanley blade. But Sage was having none of it and went to the Army and Navy store in Chapel Market to purchase some sort of protection… a real panic buy – it was a stab proof vest, khaki stab proof shorts and a cricket box. What price fear? what price?

There is another reason for Crease’s unwarranted attack on the Pope and that is the Church of Rome’s attitude towards contraception. I must say that if the said protection had been available at the time of my disgraced brother Wilfred Crabtree- Smythe’s controversial action with the she goat… Well, the story of Sergio Crease would not have been such a widespread a news item. For Crease himself may not have been conceived… And maybe the Easy Access Flapper Capacitor suit would have ended up into the devilish hand of hezbollah and who knows what would have happened?

I once put this hypothesis to the ‘Man from Scope’ and he was adamant in his viewpoint: he said that he sometimes wished that he’d never been born. He hadn’t asked to be born. ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ was what he said. A very sad statement, but understandable when you think of the life and times of Sergio Crease: ‘Man from Scope’. So Sage; if you are reading this be ashamed, be very ashamed of yourself and your son Max.

Sergio Crease is a man amongst men. So, please… more condoms for Africa and God save the Crease for HIV is rife and condoms could save us from the retarded droplets of potential X-factor children who would invade our sensibilities with their mindless youthful Stanley blade slashing and stabbing activities. ‘Yes’ I say ‘Enough’. It’s time to stop these little fuckwits being born and stop all this killing on the streets of Hackney n Brixton and on our famous bendy buses. Oh yes, A.I.D.S must be stopped. Give peace a chance… give Crease a chance and allow him to rid the world of those four poofs and their God dammed piano… (thank you God for the respite). I bet it’s packed with Condoms and lubricant – I remember Little Richard’s Piano – Condoms and lubricants were the last thing to worry about is all I can say!

Now I feel I must say a few words regarding the sad demise of Bunty the goat who was Sergio Crease’s birth mother. It is said that Red Ken the Ex-Lord Mayor of London Town had offered to go to the Sudan with the ‘Man from Scope’ (at the tax payers expense of course). He said that he wouldn’t mind dipping into the Olympic kitty if the need be. But, Sergio said that it would break him to see his wonderful mother in such a depleted state-so Sergio has asked his half sister Peaches Geldof to attend the funeral on on his behalf for as you know Bob the ‘African Saviour’ was besotted with Bunty the goat mother… the Mary Magdalene of livestock he would say. Oh yes indeed, Sir Bob had spent many a happy night with the most attractive she goat. OH yes! Those wonderful warm Sudanese evenings- Bunty untethered… such togetherness. A memory to cherish. It is also said that Peaches was the result of the unholy union too! The travelling Romeo that was Geldof will not comment on the liaison but Peaches (it is said) shaves under her armpits on a daily basis and has to have her bottom waxed once a week by Vanessa Feltz (who is no stranger to clandestine depilatory acts herself what with being an Israelite and all). At the end of the day shaving is a sin as far as the scriptures are concerned – Leviticus chapter ten-FACT! Oh the kindness of others, the bravery of others… Vanessa is a saint, as is Peaches, but once again my brother Willow is nowhere to be found. A disgrace to the name ‘Crabtree Smythe’…

Rod Stewart cartoonAnd now for something completely different, for I am sure that the revelations on Scotch Rodney were a shock to you all: The fact that he carries my old girlfriend Maggie May in a secret compartment in one of his travel bags. I know that you are all intrigued by the necromancing grave robber that is Rod Stewart, well now… all I can say is that Rodders can’t sleep at night – for his thoughts have turned to Bunty the goat who as I have just said has passed on. The tainted Scotsman has booked a holiday gig in the Sudan. The truth is he has always considered himself a great lover and deep thruster and has sewn his seed all over Essex, not to mention the Highgate cemetery! I pose the question as to why is he following the Geldof entourage if it is not for a sinister dig? I fear for Bunty`s remains…Why can’t Scotch Rodney allow her to rest in peace?

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