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83. Ben Affleck

Posted on: June 28th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Ben Affleck with Lynx CanNow my dears it is not my way to cast aspersions – but – I will cast my inquisitive eye over the feedback I am getting from Australia… more to the point – the Outback. In normal circumstances I would ignore such things but I cast my net wide with regard to that Lynx can fetisher Ben Affleck. Some of you may be aware he takes all his holidays in the Outback of Australia… notably Ayers Rock, and he thinks that he is in time with Aboriginal folk law and the metaphysical aspects of Tribal law. And, being the inane cretin that he is, he thinks that by doing some old Aboriginal incantations he will slow down the aging process. Hence his anal Lynx can fetishes.

The point about the whole thing is this – he has been seen at the top of the Rock dancing in a whirling dervish type fashion with lynx can held fast in his anal housing. A sight to behold I am sure. I do believe that he calls it his Umba Walla dance and (as I have said) it is supposed to help you live forever. Why you may ask? Why I should be so interested in the Umba Walla dance? Well, it is not I… it is Sage. He has been in touch with the anal tyrant himself and has now been afflicted with the Lynx can fetish. He (Sage that is) has been seen with a lynx can up his bottom on Hampstead Heath… the man is said to be naked and dancing to the music of the film Pearl Harbour. What is the reasoning behind this game of dance abuse? I pose the question for your enlightenment my friends, because I already know part of the answer for it was explained to me by Jonathan Edwards – the well known medium  spiritualist and triple jumper. To be fair, I never knew of his splendiferous divine abilities when he was bounding up the track  like Jessie Owens. But Jonathan said -and I quote- “if you breathe in through your nose in a yogic fashion and use the right breath control, you will take in all the good vibes that the visiting angels have left behind on their sacred visits to the special place that is Ayers Rock”.

“Ok” I said to my friend, but what about the sticking a Lynx can up your arse and gyrating like a whirling Dervish? What good is that?” And Jonathans retort was that it is supposed to stop any evil spirits entering up and into the anal passageways… but for me a good corking would be enough..! But for Affleck (the pretentious so-and-so that he is) it has to be a Lynx can because he takes the view that he is worth it and as for Sage and his Hampstead Heath larks-well!… the only spirits he will have access to on his pretentious Umba Walla dancing escapades on Hampstead Heath will be Boy George and George Micheals… with their crack pipes in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other for afters…

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