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41. Blackmail

Posted on: May 19th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Blackmail cartoonAnother thing about Sage that you must have picked up on by now is his total inability to believe me on virtually any of the stories that I put before him. He doesn’t believe that I have a relationship with Mohammad Afterdinnerjab (the Iranian Dictatorial Regime-ist) and that I saved the British Sailors by swopping them with great orange hope that is Dale ‘the fist’ Winton. I don’t know the depth of the relationship but I do know that Dale is besotted with Afterdinnerjab. Dale has subsequently told me that the whole Iranian Army can be beaten by a weakness that is too obvious for words… And so I am going to put it into words. Perhaps it is too close and that is why we don’t see it. Dale says that if we were to flood Iran with Pictures of Mr. Bean the Army would collapse in uncontrollable laughter. Dale says that our Armies could just walk in and take over. And another thing… Yes it is true that Afterdinnerjab was to appear on his favorite Television Program The Supermarket Sweep. And yes it is also true that I blackmailed a super power with certain film footage available only to me. Sage it would appear is now trying to get me killed by inferring that I am responsible for procuring the great Golden Islamic balls from their place of residence.

Bill Oddie cartoonIf they have been stolen I can honestly say that it is not my way to take away a man’s fertility symbol. I made that mistake in Peru once and was buggered senseless by Bill Oddie in robin red breast mode. And if it wasn’t Oddie it looked very much like him. Oddie was doing a ‘Spring Watch’ for the BBC at the time and if it was Oddie who attacked, he wasn’t doing much watching… He was all action and thrust, like a B-and-Q Jack Hammer in full pumping mode. A real Oddie on the jobbie. The B and Q sales staff are doing it for themselves eh?

Now I must say this; I have written to Afterdinnerjab in this accord and have told him to get his agents down to Sainsbury’s, Angel Islington Branch, to see Winton’s late night shopping enterprises for them-selves. On second thoughts it would be a better idea for them to break into Dale’s garage in Chorely Wood and let them see for themselves Winton’s illegal welding activities and those golden Islamic balls. I’m sure they will be on one of his famed trolleys by now, poised and ready for dubious action while Bill Oddie`s head had been stuffed into a wood vice with his rectum primed and greased for Winton’s sordid little orange action. Sacrilegious and altogether a very dangerous thing to do. Who does Winton think he is? Shame on you Winton, shame on you and your family.

I must say that I feel Sage has an attitude about or towards Delia Smith that some might say borders on the obsessive. Some might say perverted. The fact that she is doing a prison sentence as we speak. This of course is punishment for her magic mushroom egg concoction. A little harsh I feel. But I could not stop Sage from pressing charges, I begged him but he can be very decisive at times and a hard egg to crack. Now I don’t believe it was just the hallucination giving omelet in itself that got Delia into trouble with the authorities… I think it was that rogue cook Garry Rhodes who put the bubble in (to put it in colloquial terms). The fact is Garry had always wanted to take Delia out and had asked her on a number of occasions to come to his flat for pancakes and jam. She had refused point blank and snubbed him as it were. Knowing of his controversial allegiances, one of them being the killer cook ‘Scarface’ Ramsay. Also known in the house of decadent dalliances for Ramsey’s chocolate challenge, where he runs around the house with Andy Peters on the end of his penis. Now Gordon is not gay but he loves the game and is always willing to cross the line for the entertainment of others… A true giving man is Gordon. Now the rules of the mat are simple, basically any one who can slip onto Andy’s throbbing adventurer with their flaccid amyl nitrate softened anus while Gordon runs amok, wins. But the victory is only secured when Peters is totally free from the mad Scottish cook’s erectile (yes Ramsey’s throbbing penetrator) and when Andy Peters has been attached to a new throbber and a new sexual entrance enters the fray, the finished line is crossed for want of a better way of putting it. By doing this one wins a bag of Bombay mix and some lubricant, as supplied by Bob Hoskins. Always the giver is Bob, for as he says: ‘every little helps’. And as he said in his Oscar speech: ‘It is lovely to get a prize for doing something that you love… Oh and it’s good to talk’. Anyway more on those decadent happenings at a latter date…

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