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32. Bono’s Trousers

Posted on: May 9th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

bono cartoonAnd so like I say I’m not picking on Sage for his idiosyncratic behavior in relation to me. I’m just telling you that as far as the evolution of the Sausage is concerned I am right and he is wrong. He accuses me of highbrow eccentricity I accuse him of repression. Yes.. fisting and then I told him to go and fist elsewhere. I hope his ingrowing toenail gets better though… don’t know what I’m saying lost the thread as it were…

Now I must take Sage to task over calling the wonderful human rights activist and Devils advocate a ‘coco shunter’. Now, he knows Darcus is sensitive about this and he has written a letter of complaint in this regard to Terry Wodan’s points of view claiming that because he was called such a thing on Brass Eye by the wonderful Christopher Morris he is now worried that the public perception of him is distorted and because of this he feels his charities have come under threat. He thinks that the public might think the monies might go to Elton John’s AIDS charities or Peter Tatchell’s anti-Muslim Campaign. Yes, a worry indeed for the alleged coco shunter. Me thinks he dost protest too much. So get over it Darcus no one is judging you (as he walks his dog around Clapham Common with certain Liberal Democrats)…

Now I do feel that while the notion of apology is in the air… Sage must make a public apology with regard his blasphemous comment about Bono`s knees. The fact is with regard to St Bono`s punishment by my Vigilantes. Well that in itself was fully deserved… but to laugh at the spectre of Bono trying to put his tight leather trousers on with scorched knees and butt plug… holding in the gift given to him by the wonderful Geldof in a weak moment. Well, it’s all too much for me. So you see, Sage can be a callous tormentor at times… Very nasty…

adbul with mushroomsAbdul was upset during this period of time. He said Sage is a mixer. He, Sage that is, wanted Abdul searched at the door. Sage said that he was scared Abdul was going to pull his string or spill his cornflakes. I can’t think of the actual term he used but I tried to tell Sage that Abdul was a reformed character since his wild experiences with magic mushrooms and that winding him up was counter productive. For the string that Sage perceived to be dangerous was in fact a shoelace from my son Mathews trainers that Abdul finds comforting – As it tastes of Mathews urine. It sounds far out but we have all pissed on our shoes from time to time. It also reminds him of his goat herding days in the green hills of the Sudan. We all have our memories, but not my sort of trigger… Pissy shoes don’t get my juices flowing… Just give me a naughty Polaroid that does it for me.

But anyway, moving on… I am not going to say too much about Mathew’s beef eating phase because there is not much more to add. The fact is, I am assuming rightly or wrongly that you heard the interview with Sage on that very subject. But all I will say is that beef eating is close to my boys heart… Also, I must add about this new boy. I’m not sure I like Kevin the new backroom boy. But I will say that I might be being a little unfair… Uncharitable as it were in this regard. But or should I say ‘for’? There is another aspect to take into consideration and that might be the reason for my attitude towards the unfortunate Kevin. I say unfortunate because it is rumored in celebrity circles that the said Kevin is Sage’s illegitimate son. Not an oil painting by any means I must say. He is an ugly little fellow all covered in spots. Like he was ‘Robbie the bin man in Eastenders’ with his pitted profile and all. Still, we have all got to look like someone and that’s why I call the youngster unfortunate and the boys down the Job Centre are highly suspicious about Kevin… They say that the whole thing smacks of nepotism. I prefer Winston and I will fight for his return… I’m loyal and I will stand firm… Like I was King Leonidas -that’s right taking out Persians…

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