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52. Brian May the Pigeon King

Posted on: August 24th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 5 Comments

Brian May CartoonJust a little point – for I must say this its not an important factor in my life and times but it goes to emphasize the petty aspects of Sage`s nature-the truth is he is forever bringing up my knitting activities in good company. Getting cheap laughs mocking me.

Not on I say… not on and not important in the whole big scheme of things. But I have to say it… I think he get his laughs by suggesting that because I knit I’m some sort of girlie and I find this to be a slur because I have been knitting for years and was taught by Bill Beaumont, the Grand Glam winning rugby captain of 1980. And I would like to see or hear Sage call him a poof in public-I mean Bill’s plain and peals stitchings are legendary as far as the Hackney Women’s Institute is concerned. I say fool you Sage… fool you…fool you.

Now for something completely different (as the art mistress said to the gardener (or was is Graham Chapman to a young man?)). Anyway, I’m not sure and I don’t want to get into semantics. Was he gay? I think he was… it is not an issue… I mean why should it be?

I have had a phone call from Anita Dobson (the estranged wife of the pigeon king Brian May). Most of you know of the love affair that the said Queen lead guitarist had with the pigeons at the Palace and his subsequent refusal to leave those high towered birds. You remember the evil solicitations of Tim Henman’s bailiff obsessed father; example being that Henman’s power crazed old man likes to do the bailiff duties himself with a feather duster and a wire brush.

Mick Hucknall CartoonThe point is, Anita Dobson is not best pleased to have the matted interloper Brian May back from his roof top. She says that she is (and was) happy with Hugh Hucknall – the famed singer, Manchester United super fan and sexual athlete. The fact is, she has locked May (the fretting music man) in the attic with some bird seed and a selection of racing birds – donated by Jack Duckworth of Coronation Street fame. But she wants me to ring Henman’s father again and pay him to rid her of the pigeon King Brian May (with his shit matted hair) once and for all. She wants May the Pigeon King out of the way because his hair is unhygienic and has started to smell… she’s tried Domestos, Fabreeze and even a solution of listerine but May will have none of it and he spits at her from the darkness… like he was Gollum going cold turkey in the caves of Mordor.

I said to Anita “Consider it done” and I have been in touch with Sean Connors (the ex-James Bond) due to the fact that Steve Irwin is no longer with us… thanks to the Muslim fish. Sean Connors said he has just the place for May. He said that if May could change his allegiances he could help in guarding the Jewish Coppers under the Lock of Ness. The kindness of others I say! Anita has subsequently said that it would be a godsend for Brian who, after losing his pigeons, could find solace in a Jewish conspiracy. There is one proviso however and that is that a broom up the arse is out of the question owing to a medical problem… a swollen prostate. The fact is that May has no love of anal probing. Of course Hugh Hucknall does not have a problem with any anal interaction. I don’t know why Anita felt the need to share that information regarding Hucknall`s anal fetish with me… I said “too much information” but she was having none of it and she pulled out a few Polaroids… quite shocking really.

All in all… all is well and the plan is in place Connors can holiday in the knowledge that the Jewish coppers are in safe hands. Well done Brian May and bottoms up. I also hope Shaun Connors has a fine holiday killing Muslims in the Middle East… like he was crusading William Wallace or Harry Pearce. Was it Harry Pearce who blew up Iran? I don’t know, I wasn’t there… nothing to do with me. I won’t take responsibility for that one. Anyway, that was ‘Spooks’ the televisual programme where the train was blown up… Oh dear my realities are becoming merged. Am I watching the news or am I watching Brass Eye?

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5 Responses

  1. Thanks for the episode! Always wanted to mention that your layout simply rocks!


  2. Personally, I love to watch birds. Such fascinating creatures, particularly when you get to know some of their habits. Even when I lived in the city I found there were always interesting bird species to spot in local parks. Highly recommended to anyone who might have an interest in wildlife…

  3. That is a scaringly accurate caricature of “Hugh” Hucknall, maybe he was hanging around because the pigeons were simply fed!

  4. What a great story! I came across this website through a CSS gallery. I absolutely love the layout, it is SO refreshing and original by the way.

    I’m a website designer in real life. Do you know who has designed this? I’d love to know!

  5. RON KRAY says:

    I like it Simply fed NICE!

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