weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

80. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two

Posted on: May 23rd, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 3 Comments

Sage, I feel, is a fan of totalitarian thinking and he is keen to be involved in the New World Order’s agenda. I don’t want you to think I enjoy attacking the man, but I do feel you must be informed.

Sage is a man who was heard to call George Orwell a sell out for writing his warning about a possible Big Brother controlled society. He said that George Orwell had given all the secrets away and that Kissinger was livid. henry-kissingerWhat an ass Sage is! I know deep down Sage would love to be a ‘Community Support Officer’ – stopping youngsters in Camden and then fiddling in their pockets… searching them for his own particular contraband… deep pocket groping is Sage’s game. Ask Featherlite! Sage gave him a thorough search only recently. I said that it was a violation of Faye’s human rights… Sage said it was essential security detail and must be done for cutlery was being stolen from the canteen and that Maureen was furious. The idiot Lindwall later found ten forks and fourteen knives in Sage’s nap sack. Need I say anymore? Other than to add that Sage was later photographed at a Max Mosley ‘Schindlers List Party’. He had German sausage up his bottom…

Moving on from that vile image of sexual deviancy and anti-semetic attitudes, I must say… and I feel I must say this… I was upset when Sage criticised my acting abilities and mainly my performance as Fagin in ‘Oliver Twist’. He said I was no good at playing a greedy East London Jewish person. His words not mine. I was shell shocked by the cruel attack – such bile and poison from a man dressed in leather shorts and flat cap. But, I had the last laugh on that front because it was I who received a phone call from Andrew Lloyd Webber asking if I would don the nose for one last hurrah to play the Cardiff Academy with Charlotte Church as Nancy.charlotte church cartoon The lovelorn actor and alcoholic Rhys Ifans as Bill Sykes -Tom or Leroy Jones as Mr Bumble and for the coup d`etat Welsh Bob as the Artful Dodger. A fine cast… but I declined of course. The Welsh are a strange breed and I would fear for my safety. Webber was mortified at my decision but he understood, he wished me well and told me that my understudy Alan Sugar was happy to play the part of the money grabbing controller of peoples lives and in fact all is well that ends…

Talking of Alan Sugar – it seems he has made a daily ritual of calling the show. He phones Sage’s personal office. He checks up on me (or so says Sage). I was told by Sage that Sugar thinks I say bad things about the Israel stronghold in the Middle East and that I am upsetting the people who unwittingly have been impersonating John Cleese with funny walks and strange head gear in Muswell Hill. I mean no harm – I have no problem with anyone black, white, yellow, red-brown… Muslim, Christian, Jew or whatever… as long as they do not have a problem with anyone! Fair enough I say – as Zimmerman once said ‘the only thing worth hating is hatred’ and I can live with that. Alan Sugar just can’t accept that logic and wants me dead.

I fear for my life on a daily basis like I was back in the trenches again with Badger and the boys-shame on you Sugar have you ever been shot at by a German…

Colonel's signature

Be Sociable, Share!


|


3 Responses

  1. bill Webster says:

    Kissinger !!!! Bastard

  2. Cant believe you turned it down, admittingly the welsh can eba bit crazy but that does sound like a great and fun cast.

  3. Colonel Crabtree-Smythe says:

    Check out the pod cast …..

Leave a Reply