weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

66. Christ the Killer

Posted on: December 27th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 3 Comments

On to Sage’s diabolical attitude towards Roy Castle -  Great Britain’s answer to the great American entertainers like Sammy Davies Junior and Justins Timberlands. Sage blames Roy for the smoking ban in this Country.  All I can say is this: Lay off Roy Sage and let’s keep his memory alive as a good clean and wholesome family entertainer and  not to smear him with the alleged crap that has fallen foul of our other family entertainers such as Paul Gadd and Jonathan King… both who have been victims of the censors and have gone against the demographic.  No, we don’t want to think of him as a fascist or an anti-freedomist as Sage has suggested. Just lay off Roy Sage. He is a British Institution. A dancing trumpeter,-a legend… a tambourine player. A grey shoe, white sock, farrow slack wearing genius.

Another aspect of Sages personality that is a complete puzzle to me is his strange attitude to members of our upwardly mobile society- I mean his strange and sinister down on the excellent writer that is Richard Littlejohn of the Daily Mail. I mean, I know that the columnist has put on weight but to call him a fat bastard, well! That’s just  nasty. Littlejohn is a sensitive fellow and is hurt… cut to the core so to speak and I will ask Sage to apologise on air.  Yes it would be prudent to make the apology in his new talk Show Chit-a-Chat. Perhaps he might also have a consoling word for the Roy Castle Clan after those scathing attacks on the multi faceted hero. Sage really should wipe the slate clean…

Now changing the subject to the more socially aware aspect of my nature; If you remember I spoke of the possibility of Matron Schools…. the old way being the new way so to speak? This saying was first spoken by Native American chieftains. Well, I suppose they had no choice had they? Wiped out… the poor Barstards. All in the name of Christ. Wonderful Killer Christ. Not ‘Driller Killer’ but ‘Christ the Killer’. Anyway, it doesn’t matter he wasn’t there was he? He was on the cross, he had been killed by the early Catholics – the Romans or was it the Jews? Fuck it, blame the Jews – quicker all round. But yes I feel the schools are the only answer to our troubled National Health Service… I hadn’t heard that my old friend Hattie Jakes had passed over when I suggested her leadership qualities were needed.

Well to be truthful they are needed-and certain adequate sufficiency show business personalities have shown an interest in the idea. Vanessa Feltz has promised to put her weight behind the project (no pun intended Vanessa). Also, the other fat lady of morning television and retarded middle of the road speak – Fern Britton – is very interested on bearing down on the project. What a lovely thought… Fern bearing down on you with her fine voluptuous milk wallopers pressed against my aging rib cage…. sorry my friends, I got lost in a salacious moment. Now let me explain in Freudian terms the reason for the big babes declared interest in Matron Schools. I mean apart from the obvious upgrading of cleaning the rather dirty hospitals that exist at this time, the main reasoning behind the exciting project… and the question is posed as I said in Freudian terms… and I say this because Vanessa Feltz has done a survey on the fat nurse in our hospitals and has come up with some interesting findings: Yes it would appear that patients feel reassured by the over weight nurses and matrons. Also slightly scared into submission by the hefty weighty ones for fear of A Carry On Style thrashing or a piss take feather in the arse.

I must add my good friend and depressed homosexual Stephen Fry is very excited about the prospect of dressing up in Hattie Jakes mode and teaching the immigrant in-take the art of tea making in a good olde fashioned English Orwellian way. ‘One for the pot’ and all that ‘milk last’ and so on. Yes the Twinnings Rep will go all out in his quest for the perfect cuppa… as he sips the brown nectar as he calls it with an old English gait… that little finger posed upright like Johnny Sack in the Sopranos smoking a cigarette in thoughtful mode… a wonderful sight to behold. But I can’t wait to see the fat thespian dressed up as Matron strutting up the newly cleaned hospital corridors with his entourage of fat nurses. It will be a wonderful sight seeing Stephen dressed as Hattie with his teapot in hand. What a parade! Oh the kindness and bravery of others… you are a cad Stephen.!

Colonel's signature

Be Sociable, Share!


|


3 Responses

  1. Interesting article. I don’t think Christ did much of the killing, but the backwards people that killed in his name probably had some blood on their hands. Come on, i mean who really thinks god wants you to kill a whole nation of people..

  2. I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.

  3. That is what i have been saying you fool !!!

Leave a Reply