weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

42. Coldplay

Posted on: May 19th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

Delia Smith Behind BarsI have been a little long winded but I must tell the truth about Sage and his nasty notions. Sage was unkind to Delia Smith and he called her the Egg witch and said that she had gotten all that she had deserved. I will say no more on the matter except I will see you when you get out Delia and I look forward to your own pecan pie with added spark (nudge-nudge wink-wink) . And if you’re reading this Delia, I have a little ether for us to share up at Kenwood House. Sorry… I drifted… Just a little fantasy of Delia and myself up at Kenwood House…

Now Sage, if you ever gain access to these memoirs, I plead with you: Don’t be rude to Maude. She is a fine women and she signs you cheques every month regardless of your attitude. Although she is ambivalent about how she feels about you on a day to day basis. One minute she wants to put limovan in your tea and wait for you to fall asleep and then to put you in a compromising situation with Fay Featherlite and other times she wants to give you a Murray mint. I can’t work her out but while she is signing those cheques I shall be giving her the benefit of the doubt, always. I mean your rudeness goes on. You’re like a repressed lovelorn Welsh sheep herder Sage, mentally willing but in reality a coward. What I mean is Sage, if you want to shag the proverbial sheep just do it. Yes, what I’m really saying is Sage, is if you want to give Maude the sack just do it. Stop beating around the bush like a teenager looking for porn. Just hold your horse dear boy, put your penis away and curb your pernicious enthusiasm for once. But there is more… And I must say that the aspect of Sage’s contemptible nature that revolts me most is the pretentious side of his character that leads him into saying things like ‘I’m going to get down with the Beastie Boys’. I mean that would work for some, maybe that corporate Thomas Cook salesman Trevor ‘I’m the voice of black youth… I’m down with the kids but I’m a bit of a twat really’ Nelson. But anyway, back to Sage hemp shorts and bow-tie: Get down with the Beasties? Well I ask you… I would like to tie the pretentious man down and give him a good thrashing on his sagging mottled posterior. Then I would turn on Trevor Nelson…

I must now say something about the contemptible slur that Sage made about Chris Martin’s bedroom activities and so forth. The ex-err… Cold…is it Cold, Cod or Coldplay? I don’t know… The Coldplay leader… Did I say Cod?… The stocks are depleted… I’m sorry, I just had an image of Coldplay`s leader… But anyway Chris Martin is semi-retarded isn’t he? Or retired, and I think he wants to see his children grow. He does not want them reading about his nefarious bedroom activities with that crying female whose name escapes me at this time… Was it Gwyneth Cowtroff? Was it her Gwyneth Cowtroff? She had her head chopped off in Seven. Did he pork Cowtroff? He must have done… That’s one way to upset the Jews and the Muslim folk mixing the meat (as it were). It’s a stoning offence in some quarters… and in Bradford it would start a riot! Sage had better watch himself with that one he really should. The fool that he is.

Now, I’d better move on before I start a riot. I predict a riot, I should say… Ruby Ruby Ruby. That’s an awful song. Makes me want to kill myself every time I hear it. Ruby fucking Ruby… There I go… I’ve sworn… I’ve lowered the tone and I am not sorry. Who is it the Kaiser Monkeys whatever they are called? …
Baden Powell tattooThis is something that also fills me with trepidation and not a little horror: What kind of person says that he would like to give our African Brothers Aids? Why would anyone say such a remarkably unsympathetic thing? It has caused an outcry amongst churchmen and women of all religions. Sage would say that he didn’t mean it in the way it has been interpreted by others He says what he meant was that in some circles Aids was thought of as a gift. Well I am sorry… I wont be taking a gift from Sage this Christmas if you get my drift. He can keep the gift of Aids up his own jumper as it were. Im sure there are a few Tribesmen and women who would ban the blighter that is Sage from any campfire unification ceremony. So it’s ‘cum by-ya’ to you Macorkadale they would say. As indeed I do! But I am suspicious of Sage’s Baden Powell tattoo and I wonder what it refers to. Maybe some hidden repressed Freudian memory from childhood. Sage is a featherhead and that tattoo proves it…

Be Sociable, Share!


|


One Response

  1. Not a fan of Chris Martin or Coldplay, aye? Cannot say I blame you there.

Leave a Reply