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5. Dead Mens Shoes

Posted on: January 20th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

I must also mention Maureen the make up artist. A wonderful woman,and very discrete. She has promised to look after my sore Bats Wing at luncheon and I look forward to this kindness of heart, but she has let me down on a number of occasions over the past few days . All because she has puff ball obsessive disorder. The point about it is that she made me look like a white faced Zombie on screen and i feel it was done to mock rather than to enhance.
Anyhow moving forward and ever onwards as for Gladys, she makes the worst tea I have ever tasted. She lies about washing the cups and I’m sure she is trying to pass on a disease…
I think she is sick in the head in fact truth be told I think they both are…

I met Winston, who I think I mentioned earlier. He is a lovely man, my favourite of Sages whole team.
However i have to say Sage, I feel, only employs him to make up the numbers. His token black employee as it were. But then again Simeon is also black and I think is related to Winston but Sage has a problem with him and his type. He shows him no respect and repeatedly calls him Simon. He knows Simeon doesn’t like it… I fear Sage doesn’t care. He is a Psychotic and I’m sure the type of man that when he was young would pull the wings off flies. I sometimes think it would have been better to have gone with David Frost after all(memory lapses and senile tampon distortions included for no added charge VAT included and all that corporate nonsense).I mean, we could have filled the car park bins for Gladys the tea ladyhim… that is sure to bring him round. I mean, he (Sage that is) even complained that I had bad breath. He told all the viewers of my ailment. Then he baited and tormented me with the promise of a tic tac that he placed out of my reach and laughed at me as I struggled and fell onto the studio floor… it was like a scene out of Dead Mans Shoes as he bullied me. It was only after Abdul came to my aide that Sage relented from his vicious and cruel stance…

I would like to make brief mention of my dear old military batman from my days in India,and for those of you who dont know, a batman is a personal servant or fag.
Now i wish to make mention toward my wonderfully inspiring batman Step and Fetch it, who I must say reminds me of Ainsly Harriot the super Chef from ‘Can’t cook won’t cook’ TV fame. Then of course one can’t forget Abdul, my friend and confidant, a failed suicide bomber with a new found humanity who fought and… I must say this… he fought in Bosnia as a Muslim Freedom fighter… yes… he fought on the side of the British Army against the Serbian aggressors. It was his duty as stated by the Ummah the idea that Islam is like a human body and that if one part of the body is sick then the rest of the body dost feel it… and the jihad is justified… Abdul fell into trouble when he became upset when the British Army went to Iraq to kill, as he saw it, his Muslim brothers for the one aim of securing oil. His loyalty was put into question and he went from being a
Abdul former suicide bomber freedom fighter to being called a terrorist. But I gave him some magic mushrooms and he saw the light… had a word with God as it were… and he reformed. But not before distorting my son Matthew’s mind set. Sage hates him Abdul that is for I feel he Sage that is has no forgiveness in his heart.
I overheard him talking to the Nigerian who is in charge of the lift… he said to keep an eye on my Muslim friend. The Nigerian even put his hand down Abduls Twin Tower boxer shorts… he said that he was searching for contraband…a very salacious act if I might say….

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One Response

  1. Very humorous stuff. I miss the days of great writing :(

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