weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

74. Violence & Ewan McGregor

Posted on: March 15th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

Jay Z cartoonViolence has been a theme lately in the studio. What with Sage’s cruel and vicious attack on Alvin Lindwall – a punishment it seems for not allowing him to talk about the different brooms that he has handled over the years. Yes! Sage beat Lindwall with a cricket bat and locked him in the cupboard while he bled profusely. He beat him badly, Lindwall’s screams could be heard echoing around the studio building… blood curdling it was. I think Sage even threatened to anally rape him with the handle of the bat – an awful thing to do but I feel Sage mixes a little fact with fiction to confuse me. Then he told me some nonsense about Lindwall falling on his broom and as I remember we had the cruel attack on Ian Thespian by Ray-the Tiger in the tank-Winstone. Apparently Ian had said bad things about Ray in a news report. I am not sure about the details but Ray arrived at the studio in his ‘Nil By Mouth’ underpants and went to work on Thespian with a pool ball in a West Ham sock. Frightening stuff! I fear Sage may well be next….

Now I must move on. For it’s time to talk about Sage in relation to his views on gay slang. Sage scoffed when I told him that gay Palari was still thriving in the back streets of London and that gay code was still important to the limp wristers of the world… and certainly to those who frequent the clubs and pubs of Olde Compton Street. I just get the impression that Sage feels he has lost touch with the ancient dialogue and limp wristed trading and is envious. He senses that he has been left behind…

The true fact is he wouldn’t know where to begin in order to get what he wanted down a back alley. I mean; just because Sage doesn’t have the words anymore doesn’t mean to say he does not get amorous and wish to be touched by men of a certain bent. Each to their own I say, but that does not give Sage the right to dismiss the fact that these things go on and to call the act disgusting… The point is – Sage suggests that all who speak in gay code are deviants.. it’s somewhat below the belt – and that is all I have to say on the matter. And another thing… I have heard Sage singing that song – ‘99 problems and a bitch not being one of them’. He kept slapping Featherlite on the head ‘karate style’ – striking with open palm every time the chorus kicked in. A cruel bully I say. All this as Featherlite winced and bled like a nuns monthly release. I mean really! Sage was in blackface rapping like a streethood in shorts, a bow tie and a Wu Tang Clan T-shirt… pathetic I say…

Another small point to consider is that I think Sage is wrong to tell silly jokes about Jewish referees that give out no free kicks. The man is a rash talker off air as it were. He also let slip over a pre-show coffee that he was pro-Mugabe and that after having met him he ‘seemed like a nice chap an all’ and that we the British had no right to take away his knighthood. Strange I feel… this coming from a man who also told me that as a journalist, he once went to the Hammersmith Palais with a young Joe Strummer and he beat up Don Letts for looking at him funny… Sage is a very a confused man, doesn’t really know what he stands for or believes in – a bit like Frank Boff… and if he is not careful will also find himself on the scrap heap.

Ewan McGregor cartoon - caricature

I wish to offer my condolences and respect to Ewan McGregor – a modern day Sir Richard Burton if ever there was one… a pure unadulterated risk taker, a dragon slayer like Arthur. But, I must say (for I feel it is important in terms of public relations) the treatment of the wonderful actor and traveller by Sage is unforgivable. I feel that Sage has major issues with Ewan. Maybe it’s sexual tension… but Sage said that McGregor’s brains were in his trousers, that his brain was the size of a clitoris and that his penis was overrated. These are his words not mine. Sage says that Ewan is an emotional retard and he should join the Scopers. A shocking statement in this day and age! I ask you!… the indignity of such a statement for Scope. I mean, think about what Sage is suggesting about the wonderful organisation. To suggest that their members have brains the size of clitorises and that their brains are in their trousers… it is almost unforgivable – like apartheid or the Israeli bombings of the West Bank… or the Hamas suicide attacks against Israel. I mean; would Scope want McGregor in their ranks? That Scottish twit with no brains? I think it is presumptuous of Sage to think that because Ewan has fame on his side that the Scopers might let him into their organisation.

Regarding Ewan’s possible entrance to the wonderful organisation – I think their wonderful secretary Jenny Two Fingers might have something to say about that possibility. Sage presumes too much! I am in fact a great admirer of the adventuristic Ewan. Yes, he and his side-kick Charlie Farnsbarns travel the world with an innate reverence that can only be described as Christ-like.

I think that Sage has bias towards those that he unconsciously believes are more talented than he. I mean; the things he said about the McGregor clan after Ewan had been on the show ‘Who You Think You Are’. Yes, on that particular show the time team really dug deep into Ewan’s past… an ancestral dig if you like and they found out some good and some bad about the Scottish thespian. I know that the bad did outweigh the good but nevertheless. I pose the question: Why should the sperm raids of the early McGregor Clan upset Sage so much? I know that Ewan is proud of that aspect of his ancestry… to find out that certain childhood fetishes he had (and of course has) acted upon over the years is down to a defective gene pool-well! It’s understandably comforting for him at least. All I can say is – Sage will not give Ewan the benefit of the doubt which I find harsh considering he gives the Germans a fair crack at the whip. Forgive and forget I say.

Colonel's signature

Be Sociable, Share!


|


One Response

  1. Buy Dress says:

    Lol,I love Michael Jackson! He was the most talented to ever do it! We will never ever have someone like Michael Jackson! Rest in Peace to the KING!

Leave a Reply