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84. Salt beef and foot fetishes

Posted on: July 5th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 6 Comments

Now my friends I never thought that I would call Sage a truth bender, but his latest insults take the proverbial biscuit…oswald mosley caricature and I will not be surprised if in your minds eye you are conjuring up all sorts of decadent practice. I mean, to imply that Alistair Darling is a foot fetisher who hangs around Mosques well!… It’s a disgrace. And, worst of all: to say that he was happy that Cheri Blair’s unborn foetus was glad not to have taken up residents in the womb of the Blair Witch is a blight on all humanity. You’re a bad lot Sage… a twister, a sycophant and charlatan and I know Alan Sugar is livid.

By now you will have put together that the man Sage Mackorkadale is easily influenced – like a youthful Myra Hindley. Anyway and anyhow I am getting ahead of myself-the fact of the matter is when we think in terms of fetishing we should look no further than Sage himself. The fact is he Sage stole Cliff Richards black shirt – or a least he thought he had. Sage is obsessed and was from the first moment he heard of its existence of the said black shirt from Mrs Webb. Now, the shirt was a gift from the aging rockers real father Oswald Mosley. You may or may not know of the full story with regard the infamous black shirt of the would-be dictator, so to save time all I will say is that it was a gift from beyond the grave. Cliff’s new found sense of who he really is has undoubtedly come to the fore and the fact that Sage stole the said shirt at a fancy dress occasion is unforgivable…. but here is the rub: Sage, you’ve got it wrong again. The fact of the matter is this: the shirt that you stole was not the original. The real black fascist shirt given to Cliff by his father Oswald is still in the ageing rockers possession and how do I know this?… well, I will tell you… so read on…prince harry with max mosley

Now the function that Sage thought that he struck gold at (as it were) was one of the great parties hosted by Maximilian Mosley (the son of the misguided politician himself) and Cliff’s half brother. The two princes Harry and William were in the house with their authentic German regalia on. William was in his favourite Hitler Youth attire – given to him by his long lost great grandmother Eva Windsor. The redhead was in his best Nazi guard uniform that he had purchased on line from Perry Groves.com. Harry was seen giving an Imran Kahn ‘look a like’ a good paki bashing… his words not mine… something to do with getting Barrack Obama’s name wrong. It was a very stiff upper lip affair regardless of the racial tension, but I must say it is ironic after all… There is a black man in the White House and the black death is killing Islamic fundamentalists as we speak. I mean, even the rats have joined forces with the Americans. Who needs satire I say…

This is all very well you might say but how do you know about the stolen black shirt that Cliff loves so? More to point; what makes me sure that it was Sage that stole the Fascist memorabilia?… This is where I make my point, no messing. It was my good friend and notorious voyeur or peeping Thomas- Andy Peters – the limp wristers nightmare. He saw with his own eyes Sage pilfer the historical apparel in the first place when Cliff had passed out after a powerful embrace from Bongo from the Congo. Another point to made about Peters is that his reputation with gay fraternity is at rock bottom… so much so that they have had little badges made up saying “scream and shout if Peters is about”. He really has them on their toes with his high fauluting spying escapades. They call him the ‘black Bertie Smalls’ a ‘poof grass’ . The badges were an essential piece of kit to remind them that Peters can appear from anywhere at anytime… spying on them for his favourite tabloid newspapers the Daily Sport and Fisting Monthly. On one of these clandestine forages into the unknown he caught Cliff Richards in a pose that questioned even Peters tolerance levels… Peters said it was an experience of a lifetime.

Now this is the story as told to me by Andy Peters the provider of decadent hearsay and gossip that explains clearly that the shirt Sage stole was a Perry Groves copy. Now It would appear that Mabel a blue-rinser from Brighton had not arrived at the Charabanc with the other Cliff Richard fans. You see the blue rinsers always booked seats in the front row at nearly all his concerts… but as I said, she never arrived. I have it on good authority that Hank Marvin (Cliff’s enforcer) had chloroformed her and had taken her to Cliffs Surrey abode.

As you may well have gathered this is how the athletic Peters got his info. He climbed the bachelor boys drainpipe and found himself an ample ledge to stand on. This enabled him to see through a gap in the curtains and this is when even the peeper that was Peters became sick to the stomach. In his words:

“my body quivered with the unseemly action of the swine Cliff Richards dressed in black shirt”.

It would appear that the perverse lip curler had a 4ft hose fixed on his pee-pee and as he waved the hose in a circular threatening motion (like Roger Daltry in his hey day) the blue rinser screamed out in a painful anticipatory fear… and maybe even a deeply unconscious need of the decadent action on the cards. Of course, you are thinking ‘what was the overriding pose Cliff took in this highly controversial happening’… Well! The black shirt was the catalyst, the deep rooted stimulator of the sinister black pageant that was seen by Andy Peters on his precarious ledge. So, what we have before us is Cliff threatening a beleaguered blue rinser who was tied to a chair, her back view in full view of Peters. And it gets worse… her stays were torn to shreds by the debauched antics of the madness… all this while Cliff sung his first number one to the (now petrified) fan. To make matters worse the perspiration had made her blue rinse run loose down her forehead, making her look like an ageing smurf .

Come on pretty baby let’s movin-and groovin- shake oh baby shake oh honey please don’t lose it- ah ha…

It may be wrong, it may be right but Cliff is a creature that needs to be shut down. As for that shirt – it seems to have mystic powers that drives people insane like Gollum and his ring…All I can say is more fool you Sage… you’ re wearing a fake and now everybody knows.

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6 Responses

  1. Hey I just had to drop by and let you know I think you are the funniest duo I have EVER heard!
    With each show it just gets better…
    I now find myself actually thinking you really do exist.
    Hang on a minute – you do don’t you?
    We barely get through a week in this house without me or my girlfriend shouting ‘SAA-AGE!!’ in that Colonel tone.
    Don’t ever stop.
    I have to say I don’t much care for featherliite but well … I can deal with it
    Colonel Crabtree-Smythe and Sage you really are the best thing on the air these days and I always check the feed just in case you did an extra or early show. When I see that text in FeedDemon go bold I’m like a kid at christmas!
    We always go to bed a bit earlier and listen which sometimes is a bad idea as I am giggling for the whole show.
    This show really had me in stitches.
    Thank you for bringing such joy our way and like I said, please don’t stop.
    Wishing you both well.
    Oh er and Featherlite…and Winston…and Von Strap-on!

  2. Colonel Crabtree Smythe says:

    Why thank you dear boy for your kind words ! I wont tell sage for it will go to his head and his ego is out of control as we speak !!! He thinks he is the new Tony Blackburn and that in itsself is enogh to make one shudder !!!

  3. Yes Colonel, I really think you ought to tell him who the real boss is around here eh?
    We all know that without you appearing on his show he’d be finished Sir!
    Tony Blackburn indeed. Oh the shaaaame of the man.
    I forgot to mention one person in my last comment, Sergio Crease!
    My girlfriend loves his name and would ask me to pass on the message that she hopes he is in good health.
    Thanks for the laughs.

  4. mask says:

    Thank you for bringing such joy our way and like I said, please don’t stop.

  5. Thankyou all for you support !!! Much love to you all !!!! The Colonel….

  6. Very interesting article. Have to say that some of it definately brought a smile to my face.

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