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38. Freudian notions

Posted on: May 12th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

The Colonel's School DaysI am not happy about Sage not owning up to his attitude to all things Welsh. I myself love the race and would say nothing to upset the Boyos. I once gave Max Boyce a leg up in show business. I got him a gig at Butlins in Skegness. He in turn used to bath my sometimes infected batswing with a solution of bicarbonated soda and egg whites… A wonderful gesture from the Welsh funny man. But back to Sage and his bottom pandering. He professes to like the Manic Street Preachers no less and loved the song about the Spanish Civil War. A war in which I fought with my friend and mentor George Orwell. But Sage said that they as Welshman had no business writing about the rise of fascism in Europe because they were Commie fascist sympathizers having shaken the hand of Fidel Castro himself. So all I can say to that is: be real Sage and stand by what you are, a bottom bender.

I would like to put a stop on certain rumors appertaining to the fact that I have Heather McCartney’s missing leg. Yes I was given the said leg by Heather herself and contrary to what some say… Well they do say that Paul wants it back. It’s not true. Paul said in no uncertain terms that I could keep the damned appendage and do what I will with it.

I must now say something about Abu Hamza… The fact of the matter is that he is not as bad as people make out. He really does have a soft side, as some of you my friends would have picked up upon in one of my last interviews with Sage. Yes he did go looking for his hero Bin Laden in a Kings Cross strip joint and yes he was besotted with one of the girls. But to be fair to Hamza he was disgusted by the movement in his lower regions… To be frank he got a semi. I tried to explain certain Freudian notions, the nature of sublimation…That is, subliminal thought, but as you know already he could not be pacified. He ran from the Flying Scotsman guilt ridden and fully aroused. Sad but true.

Now if you remember I told Sage of my early years at Private Boarding School when I was buggered by the School bully Fleischman. It was like Tom Browns School Days. But like the said book I was to get my own back in the end. It was when Winston Churchill and I escaped from the Boars in Southern Africa. The fact was I wasn’t surprised to see Fleischman was on the side of the Dutch Fascists. I watched him shooting ‘caffers’ as he called them with a potato gun. But we found all this out whilst we hid from our pursuers. It was his voice. I told Winston of my ordeals as a youngster and he was outraged. So we crept up on our potential captures and we turned the horse around, as it were. We shot them all apart from the rapist and traitor that was Fleischman and then we put him in an iron mask and sold him to Turkish Slavers… Whereupon he was buggerd senseless for four weeks. I do believe that I recognized the said Fleischman in the House of Lords many years later. He must have escaped from his captors. I hope that he learned his lesson… There was a flicker of recognition at the time but I let it go. I must say this one thing though, he was walking like Ben Affleck which made me highly suspicious at the time.

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