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77. The futility of war

Posted on: April 25th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 19 Comments

Now tony blair cartoonSage was ranting at me recently about violence claiming  that Hip Hop music, gangster films,mixed martial arts, and boxing were to blame for all the ills of the world and that they should all be banned to save us the human race from oblivion… What an arse Sage is… Did Jay Z ever bomb Dresden or Lebanon or massacre anyone at Mai Lai? No, is the answer. Work it out for yourselves. I mean, I’ve tried to explain to Sage that only a moron  blames society’s problems on art and the creators of it – the ones who decry violence are the ones who really cause it… like Tony ‘the Christian – thou shall not kill, let’s sort out the problems in the middle East although I helped to make the problem worse’ Blair. But let’s ban MMA – it’s too violent… Oh fuck off you hypocritical bastards!

Violence exists, so art reflects it, Check out the work of the great British painter Francis Bacon…  Yes we as human beings have base needs that we need to control on some levels by degree. Those being the need to fornicate and the need to fight. Aggression is part of our make up -we like to fight as a race and sport should be the outlet for such needs. The thing is – competition is a thing of beauty and no one dies – Or should i say people rarely die in competition and it without doubt is less than while at war. 95% less( that was a made up statistic but it seems fair enough). So let the sporting arenas take the place of the bombing raids over Baghdad let’s respect each other and our skills. I mean, man has the inherent need to be creative. I’m not saying that life does not imitate art sometimes, but I am saying that it’s not the arts problem. I say it is the problem of governments and beyond. Not of parents and teachers (who let me add should be paid more) and maybe that’s the indictment and shows us what and where the priorities of the powers that be lie. That being that millions (maybe billions) of pounds are spent on the military each year on war yet teachers get paid piss in their face monies. I wonder where the priority really lies – a dick head child makes a dickhead parent and vice versa…

Yes! Like I was saying the problem lies with governments, councils and the sensationalistic irrational media who whip up fire storms over nothing. They who run the show, the geeks who run the world, should provide stability and education to the children… teach them that there is a world out there beyond the hood. Beyond the council estate. Snap them out of their ignorance, get some discipline, do something positive… learn how to box. Learn mixed martial arts, become a fucking doctor, learn first aid. I know we are all living in our own realities but come on! – If you listen to a Fifty Cent album and then think you’re a gangster – you are an ass.. I mean would you watch an evening of UFC fighting and think you could take on Matt Hughes or George-Rush-St Pierre in the cage the next day? No – of course not! You would be foolish to think so without first learning the craft, put the work in… enjoy learning – you fucking morons. And do you think listening to Wu Tang Clan makes you a gangster?… because if you do you are a pratt. Just like watching a night of fighting doesn’t make you a fighter. You need to put in the hours, do your apprenticeship, torture a few people first… get a nice suit, learn how to wrap up a gram of cocaine, chop off a few toes, go to the Frank Fraser lectures. I mean – get to the gym, do some push ups.

All I’m saying is – violence existed long before rap music, heavy metal music… long before boxing, the UFC and the Mitchell brothers in Eastenders. I mean, since the continuous Ian Beale toilet flushing by Phil Mitchell… Schools have lost control… so says Sage. The amount of children having their heads flushed has gone up tenfold. Sage wants to ban Eastenders for its consistent lavatorial flushing. But does he call for a ban on war? Does he? Does he? Where real people on both sides are meeting violent horrific deaths and they say the Octagon Cage is violent with its rules regulations and respect… and may I add: not a toilet flush to be seen.

Maybe it’s those wars abroad that instill and fuel a warlike mentality in our children today. For growing up with war screws you up… look at me! I wonder where Sage’s loyalties really lie. Where are the liberal idiotic middle Englanders now?… with their fucking emailing and phone calls to ‘Points of View’. Why don’t they put that energy into getting our boys back from the Middle East or getting knives off the street? Stupid irrational bastards spend all their time pissing and moaning about a misguided phone call by Russell Brand and J .Ross while Buddhist Monks are being imprisoned for fifty years for real protest… while our young men are dying for nothing overseas. We have young men being stabbed in our own cities on a regular basis and they say they have no answers… that nothing can be done. Nonsense I say! Get them into a mixed martial arts dojo or a boxing gym or a rugby club. Teach them some discipline give them a future. I know for a fact that if the ‘powers that be’ wanted to change things they could. They just don’t want to. I mean, they make the smoking ban work, they police that ok… they make sure drivers pay parking fines and don’t park where they are not meant to. It’s obvious to me. The way I see it getting knives off the street and giving all young people opportunities is not a priority. So fuck middle England and the liberal fascist tosspots who are offended by a sneeze not covered. Those who are offended by Eminem or a silly phone call or some satirical cartoons or Jade Goody doing Indian monkey noises… grow up Sage and get a soul.

I did mention the two Manuel baiters Ross and Brand earlier so let me add this: I did receive a vile obscene grotesque phone call from the pairing and I must say I’m not used to such vulgarity for I’m sure Russell was slapping his penis on the receiver. Either that or he was killing a mackerel! The pair were masquerading as Jewish mercenaries from Hatton Gardens… claiming to have kidnapped my son Matthew… who as I’m sure you are aware of by now has become an Islamic fundamentalist. They said that unless I gave them money for his return they were going to torture him like he was Harry from Spooks! I have to say I nearly had a heart attack as my phone rang again… but it was that evil man Max Clifford. He told me to milk it (the situation that is) for all it was worth and all I could. But I have to say dear readers it was only when I heard the animal… yes when I heard Ross the deviant doing sucking noises and Brand pretending to be Prince Harry calling my house boy Abdul a “Paki fool” and I said “No! Never!” he was my “Paki friend Abdul” and “he is no fool.. maybe misguided but hey!”. It was then that I feared the worst for my son and keeled over and fainted. I was awoken five hours later by Faye Featherlite dressed as a poor mans Mrs Doubtfire. He was giving me mouth to mouth which was awful I must say. Especially considering that Featherlite is a dirty boy with bad breath…when I told him this he said ‘Oooooh speak for yourself dear’ and then he stuck his finger up my bottom saying that this was an act of human kindness that this would resuscitate me. I must say it did! I will give him that, but I don’t think I will ever sleep calmly again. But my point is – I got no headline in The Sun…no phone call. I was then told by the ‘man maggot’ Clifford that because I had not played a retarded Spaniard in one of the best sitcoms ever, I did not warrant any headlines and also the fact that a black man was now in the White House my story was no longer regarded as worth printing. The effrontery of it all I say! I could have done with the publicity… anything to sell a book! I thank Ross and Brand for trying, I mean the incident could have given me a heart attack… it could have killed me but you know what they say – ‘what doesn’t kill you just pisses you off!’ But let me just add this: I did tell Alan Sugar about the incident – he is livid and said something about the pairing giving Jews a bad name. I tried to explain to him that the horse had bolted years ago and the fact that Israel keeps bombing the hell out of the Palestinians in Gaza, killing innocent women, children and olde people, all under the guise of hunting Hamas in a war to the bitter end did not help…

The fact that their ‘NEVER AGAIN philosophy’ Josh Hartnett Cartoonwas turning them into Nazis and I was just being honest, I mean, in my book they are all as nutty as each other. So I say – Muslims, Jews and Christians…Chill out!… that’s when Sugar threatened me with violence – he pulled out a flick knife, took off his shirt and chased me into a nearby Mosque where I took refuge for a day or two. When I felt it was safe, I made my way to White City to BBC HQ and that is when I saw the Hollywood sell out Josh Hartnett fisting the talentless dancer Justin Timberlake for a perfume commercial while Dermott O `Leary looked on dressed as a cub scout fingering his own vagina. ‘Fair enough’ I thought… but does it have to be like this? So I made my way home slightly miffed by the days events only to be presented with a flyer inviting me to attend a lecture by Jodie Marsh entitled ‘The futility of war’.

I would like to say that Sage did get upset when I referred to Lenny Henry as ‘Nigger Jim’… thinking that I was calling Lenny such a name in a derogatory fashion. My point is – Lenny is obsessed with the Mark Twain creation and would do anything for a pair of Nigger Jim’s stripped trousers so he can look the part in his new hotel advertisements. I felt obliged on air… well, I felt that it would be charitable of my good self to advertise this fact to the public at large so that if any one had a pair of Nigger Jim trousers they could send them to Lenny. This of course-would please the hotel staff no end who have expressed concern at having to see Lenny’s big black bollocks at every turn…

I myself have no issue with Nigger Jim, to me he is a hero, a symbol of liberty who refused to sell his soul to anybody or for any price and to me that makes Nigger Jim a better man than Lenny Henry will ever be. After all (and let me say all Nigger Jim ever wanted was to be free and at liberty) and I’m sure with that freedom he wouldn’t sell his ass to a hotel company dressed as a black and white minstrel. But then again, I’m not black so what do I know about the soul of black folk?… I said this to Ian Wright over a ‘chicken tonight’ dinner and I think he agreed… I know Lenny is livid at Sage…

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19 Responses

  1. This is the age old argument that media is the blame for everything. Alot of this stems from the BOBO doll experiment where they showed videos to children of people smashing dolls with bats and then put the child in a room with a big doll and a bat, what do you think happened of course they hit it, I would of hit it, but it doesn’t mean they are going to go into the street and smash people with bats.

  2. NO ONE could ever ban eastenders lol

  3. An excellent article, I fully agree. It is a shame how many people don’t realize that violence does not originate from art. You are absolutely right when you say: “the problem lies with governments, councils and the sensationalistic irrational media who whip up fire storms over nothing”. Violence has existed in all of human history. From the bible to the middle ages, from ancient Greece to modern times. Blaming art for violence is ignorance.
    Thanks for the article, love your work.

  4. Couldn’t agree more over the discipline and give them a future. I have been involved with rugby union since the age of six years old and know quite a few people that controlled discipline whilst they are able to ‘let off steam’ has more than likely prevented them from a prison sentence.

  5. I fully agree. It is a shame how many people don’t realize that violence does not originate from art. You are absolutely right when you say: “the problem lies with governments, councils and the sensationalistic irrational media who whip up fire storms over nothing”. Violence has existed in all of human history. From the bible to the Middle Ages, from ancient Greece to modern times. Blaming art for violence is ignorance.Thanks for the article, love your work.

  6. I do agree with you to a certain extent that the problem lies with the problem lies with governments, councils and the media for sensationalizing news. However there have been countless studies that show that those children and teenagers who watch violent movies, songs, tv programs including violent cartoons manifest aggressive behavior. However, banning such things is not the solution. I think it is the responsibility of parents to not expose their children to such violent programs and instill in their children a sense of responsibility for their actions.

  7. True, the goverment and the media will try anything to do this, but yes just because you ban movies and tv doesnt really solve anything. Its all about control really, theres a limit for everything, you lose that and everything goes crazy.

  8. Agreed, theres no point restricting and banning everything. you do that and everythings considered bad, and people find a way around it and capitalize on it! true something should definitely be banned, but not everything!

  9. yeap, we people here know what’s violence and war;I thinks that’s not good at all, even if each part claim having the justice on its side…

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  11. RONNIE KRAY says:

    Cut Em … Take a blade to the bastards…..

  12. Buy Rap Beats says:

    whats with the pic of Josh Hartnett fondeling Justin Timberlakes balls.

  13. RONNIE KRAY says:

    He is fisting Him !!!

  14. Colonel Crabtree-Smythe says:

    He is fisting him… For money of course…

  15. Haha good one! serves the government for always toying with the government!the media really cant be trusted anymore, great article!

  16. people are just week minded if you ask me. always looking for an easier way out. this is just a perfect example.

  17. clarion call says:

    I would sell myself to a hotel company for the money they must have paid Lenny!

  18. Brilliantly wrote article. Heh

    Blame Canada!

  19. Hilarious! “Slapping his penis on the receiver” … This is classic stuff. The media definitely can’t be trusted!

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