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75. The gloryhole incident

Posted on: March 22nd, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 2 Comments

OK, I know that you are chomping at the bit to find out what could have caused Sage to totally freak out at the very mention of the sperm raiding…

ewan mcgregor in a kiltSo let me first tell of the strange goings on in certain battles between the Scots and the English. We have all seen the size of the Ewan McGregor chopper – his mammoth marauder, his Scottish cock – for want of another way of describing it. Also you may have gathered by now that it was a trait of the McGregors to a man – yes they were like a collection of mad Yetis and the English knew it. However, this in itself was not the most amazing aspect of the warlike Clan. It was the size of their ball bags – yes the size of their bats wings was frightening – like a blimp that flies over Lords cricket ground – huge!And maybe this is something you will find hard to believe… But then again I suppose not when you see the film footage of Ewan blossoming his lower proboscis in the movie Trainspotting…
This is a feature that some of his female fans would make testament to and point out as fact… and they have the thigh, tummy and back scars to prove it! They would say that his need to relieve himself was legendary and that (this is the head turner this is the kisser as it were so to speak) they say Ewan’s sperm gushings were hot and I do mean kettle hot! It explains why Ewan had to relieve himself often – out of necessity not pleasure.

I mean there is nothing worse than the feel of hot lava in and on ones testicles and yes obviously there is only one way to elevate such pain and burning discomfort – constant and incessant masturbation and ejaculatation… Very much akin to a Popeye spinach fix. The Scottish Clansmen would terrify the English with their hot shot sperm raids and this is pure historical stuff I got off the internet Wickerpedia – dear Alan Wicker has been very busy – but this is not the point; for when the English saw the erect Scots lift their Kilts for the charge-wow! What a fearsome sight it was to see those massive McGregor Clans bollocks a-swaying back and forth like cow udders. The left and right hands moving rhythmically on the erect members to the sound of ‘Danny Boy’ on the bagpipes or some such stirring tune. The English (like Iron Maiden) would run for the hills… for it was not a pleasant thought to be covered in hot Scottish sperm – like hot tar. Not pleasant when it settles on ones back. And this finally brings me to Sage’s hatred of the Scottish actor Ewan McGregor.

The fact of the matter was Ewan was due to be interviewed by Sage but left the building for a quick smoke – a quick burn of his snout as it were… what with the new smoking laws that prevented our Scottish hero from having a puff indoors. And to smoke outside… well, this was the only option he had. Sage was quite nervous at the time with thoughts of meeting the intrepid one, the great thespian and traveller. So Sage decided to go out onto the studio balcony for some short yogic breathing exercise and that’s when it happened, or so Sage says… he said that he felt something rather hot smack down upon his head and then the smell of burning hair permeated his nasal passage. Sage said it was not a small blob-in fact it was like having a large hot cheesy pizza hit you from a great height! Then Sage looked up and on the roof above was Ewan McGregor – his penis in hand and big balls dangling over the fence… his Scottish face leering in a maniacal fashion. So, Sage may have a point, or maybe Sage is over reacting in his usual manner.                 

Moving on, I must talk to you about a glory hole incident. It is an incident that Sage should remember but it’s an incident that Sage says he has forgotten all about-conveniently perhaps. Sage says that he was on a Hampstead Heath stroll and heard cries of ‘Help me! Help me!’.  Now what you must understand is that there is a certain section of the show business fraternity that are super decadent…  they will always be on the lookout for vile perverted ways to enhance the decadent streak in their nature.

All this was much like that morbid masturbator chap Michael Hutchins and his good friends David Mellor and Max Mosley. And what you must get a hold on is that a public lavatory is the answer to all their prayers – what with the smell of urine and anal faeces mixed with cheap bleach, toilet ducks, and sperm. Who said romance was dead?I feel its the risk element that gets one so aroused… I mean, the thought of getting caught is a buzz for those overpaid celebs – to have one’s picture in Heat or Ok magazine with their cocks out seems to be the motivation for these barely talented persons… all to get a sexual toilet buzz.

john lydon cartoonI ask you: Can we as a species get much lower? Now, do let me explain what I’m getting at… for this is how Sage says it ‘went down’ as it were. It would seem that Graham Norton and Boy George (who is now in trouble himself for tying up a rent boy and putting a raw carrot up its rectum)… if you can’t tie up a rent boy and put a carrot in his ass who can you tie up? But anyway, the point is Norton and Boy George and the other Hampstead Heathen George Michaels had arranged to meet in the lavatory at six o’clock in the morning for sex games and ‘throaty frolics’ as Norton called it. But the problem with this particular game was that it was a little complicated. They should perhaps had a fourth person. And at this point Sage would say that he was the saviour and came in at the last moment. Now, the first part of the action was for two gloryholes to be used by Michaels and one for the gregarious Norton. Anyway they placed their ever-readies in the pre-drilled gloryholes ready for action man Boy George to carry out the more complicated manoeuvres… the idea was based on the grab an apple from the barrel with ones teeth party game. Are you getting the picture my good readers? Prepare for a shock – It took me a time to get the said masterpiece out of my mind and I was shocked by the picture that formulated in my head. Anyway, it would seem that the whole point of this decadent exercise was to have Boy George – who at the time of the incident was hanging upside down like a bat out of hell withhis feet tied dangling  from a rope – swinging (in aroused mode) back and forth trying to catch a hold of one of the erect members with his teeth. For once he had taken hold of one of the dirty boys gloryhole probes he would complete the hideous lewdery with a grotesque passion that only Boy George knows how to muster. But this time all hell broke loose because the heavyweight action of Boy George brought the ceiling down!

Yes, Boy George had got his head caught in the lavatory bowl… leg a-flay – not a position that the old queen wasn’t used to. Norton was on top of George ‘the Greek’ Michaels and they were both pinned… trapped to the floor with a beam across Norton’s back. Let me add – it is said that the charlatan Johnny Rotten ‘the Sex Pistol’ Lydon was standing in the corner of the lavatory – In a ‘Last Tango In Paris’ mode with a block of his now famous British butter… God knows what he planned to do with it and sadly we will never know.

This is what Sage is supposed to have walked in on… he said that even in this chaotic situation George the Greek looked relaxed and was as cool ever. Yes, in this moment of chaos and possible cause of negative tabloid headlines George was poker face, he even had a splif on the go. He was smiling and he didn’t even tuck his todger into his pants. A bizarre way to keep ones horn going I suppose. But I think Sage used this gloryhole incident to get them all on his show, for I know money changed hands as did many brown envelopes and Polaroid’s… Sage is not adverse to a little blackmail.

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2 Responses

  1. Well…I’m not comfortable talking about Ewan’s ‘thing’, although talking about man’s genitalia is supposed to be funny. But if we are talking about Keira Knightley’s ‘assets’, people may accuse this website as dirty….

    to be honest….what’s the difference

  2. poker says:

    Ahahah do I perceive a not of racism in your talking ????

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