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121. Gurkha Issues

Posted on: November 7th, 2010 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

I Joanna Lumley cartoonhave reached a conclusion dear fans and enemies alike, I have with a fine tooth comb ciphered through all of Sage’s convoluted nonsense, his duckings, divings, and self righteous warblings and yes I have come to understand that Sage is no more than a woman in boys shorts! Sage is not a man, this is not to say that he does not possess a penis, but more to say that he is no more than an emasculated, feeble, corporate ball less twit, and he is not alone. We live in a world where men want to be women and I’m not talking about the likes of the fine fop Russell Brand who uses his feminine side to woo the ladies into his proverbial sac… I’m talking about so called heterosexual men who take their cues from television advertising, gay men,and lifestyle magazines such as  the new word order 0f  GQ.  These lame excuses for masculinity are not men, they are dismal, feeble creatures… Men who can’t stand up for themselves, men who cause trouble when they have had a few drinks. Yes, these Berkley hunts who start to get a bit mouthy, arrogant, and sarcastic – thinking that nothing bad will happen. However, when they get smashed in the face and end up with a broken nose they call the police and threaten to take legal action and to press charges, they turn to the state, to the system for protection… Like a bitch.

These sanitized toss pots call real men things like yobs, scum, chavs, but they turn to these so called low lifes when there is a war to fight, and they disgust me. I say that we should not fight their wars anymore, no, us – the real men, should dump the driftwood who live unnaturally and not with natures plan. Men are hunters and women are nesters this is a scientific fact all this feminist nonsense is against nature because in this illusionary world of aftershave and butt crack waxing these pretend men only get the women because they have a good job and can offer financial stability and know how to discuss mortgages, the economy and the like.

However, the joke is that there is no stability in the bedroom with their meager pricks and pathetic thrusting, like I say I believe Sage to be one of these creatures, and this is where the problem lies what with all his pandering and backroom philandering. I feel Sage thinks he is a real man and that is why he bullies people constantly and is forever spouting anti gay terminology. I know he called the French protest singer a shirt lifter and I have to say this type of labeling will get him into a heap of trouble… and like I say when Searle Blaggard turns on you, of this I am in no doubt, what will you do? Who will you run to then? I know what you will do; you will call PC Raper and have the country singer arrested, typical non-man cowardice.

I hear you say that you want to spread your proverbial wings and that you feel that the other networks are after you and your massive talent. Well you won’t become the new Jonathan Ross with your so called edgy wordings old chap, i mean to say, ok yes, the French singer was wearing a colorful, foppish, rhinestone cowboy outfit and to my eyes he looked very manly, but to call him an extra from ‘Broke Back Mountain’ with a raging horn is cruel and cutting beyond that of normal conversation… and I must say Sage to have a cowboy fetish is not much different to you and your short fetish.

In fact I think Cowboys are real men with guns and gonorrhea but you and your cringe worthy attire reminds me of a school boy out on the lash. I think Sage is a pervert who probably likes to wear a nappy and have a Soho madam beat him and feed him milk from plastic milk wollopers. All i have to say is Searle Blaggard is a French Foreign Legion hard nut and his colorful mode of dressing is a reaction to having to wear that boring Legionnaire uniform over the years.

So i ask, what’s your excuse Sage for dressing like a prep school boy with a Lord Boothby complex? I say stop it Sage and treat your guests with a degree of respect. When I think about Sage’s attitude to the man Blaggard, I am reminded of the tribal aspect of the Legion itself, insult the one and you insult the many.

I know the whole of France wants a piece of you and Arsene Wenger (the great Arsenal manger and commander and chief) is also livid with your outburst. I feel that you should call a press conference immediately and issue an open apology to the French nation and all shirt lifters alike, that’s a small gesture and may well suffice in terms of putting things right with our wine drinking cousins. Or like I have suggested you may well get a visit from Jean Reno in ‘Leon’ mode and he will kick your ass Sage, remember the French are not all custards like certain collaborators that informed on their fellows in the Nazi occupation of France…

Now before I head off down to the Coach and Horses for an early evening drink and changing the subject somewhat I ask, I beseech thee please Sage leave the Gurkhas alone, have they not been through enough? To come into the studio dressed as one of our brothers in arms and to say that you wish to ban them from our country “live on air”- I say is no more than high treason. You don’t want those little chaps after you as well do you Sage? You don’t want to be slashed and opened up with a Gurkha knife and then have your entrails spread all around the studio in a scene much resembling the Manson murders all those years ago. I know that the Gurkhas have ways of making you apologise.

They have vicious torture methods and they will scare you senseless with pictures of their mentors well worn part. The Gurkhas call it ‘Lumely’s Lute’ for obvious reasons. They say that ‘Lumley’s Lute’ is almost obsolete and that not a body plays on it any more due to the fact that if it were a car it would have been scrapped many years ago. I have seen Lumley’s lute first hand and it was not a Privilege to do so… it’s a hideous sight Sage… like being taken on a tour of an olde stately home but not as dignified.

You should be scared Sage because if a simple picture of ‘Lumley’s Lute’ does not produce the desired effect my son and you don’t apologise for wanting to ethnically cleanse the Gurkhas from our shores they will threaten you with the real thing my dear… Yes ‘Lumley’s Lute’ in all its glory my dear and that is a vile, putrid, satanic, ungodly sight. So all I can say is this: Lay off Sage, lay off, stop causing all these problems for yourself and maybe you will get that coveted night Friday night TV spot you so desperately desire.

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