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43. Herman Goering’s mittens

Posted on: May 25th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

Hermann Goering's mittens
A quick word about Curtain Fisher, a singer from the streets. I saw that he was cold and hungry so I gave him a German sausage and my military gloves (given to me in a weak moment by Hermann Goering). I say weak because I was disguised as a Jewish locksmith with a rubber nose. Hermann had asked me to pick his lock and I failed but he took pity on me and gave me his mittens. I left hastily with my military mittens as Goering shouted ‘Heil Hitler!’ while pulling on his own German Sausage with a vigor that only a member of the Nazi party could mange. I was glad to see the back of him, awful man that he was. But anyway, Sage said it was his show and Fisher should swivel on it (the sausage that is) and Sage threw the mittens out of the window and told Curtain to get out. I tried to hand the poor man a fiver but Sage slapped it out of my hand as he sent the wonderful Curtain Fisher packing. I must say Curtain Fisher’s vibrato has got so much worse since Sage threw him back to the streets. We (the admirable Winston and I) had brought a packed lunch in that morning for Fisher but Fay Featherlite showed him absolutely no mercy. He gobbled it up in next to no time. Poor Curtain Fisher is all I can say. Aren’t you ashamed Sage? Aren’t you? And you Featherlite, eating a poor man’s sausage! Heartless… Both of you rotten, rotten…

Sage is a feather-head. The tattoo proves it and this is where he got his shorts fetish from. It’s the Baden Powell short fetish… Now I must take this time to make my apologies to the Frank Lampard Family circle and Wildlife Trust for the implied attack on Frank’s intelligence quota. It appears that Sage has said it was my implied attack on his varied abilities that brought this whole thing to the fore. The thing is, it is not like Sage to admit his mistakes. He is an insular, dogmatic, illiberal West Ham deficator. A parochial straight laced intolerant fornicator, a missionary position nationalist, a head waiter on the rebound… Always going backwards, never forward. But I will admit to my mistakes and it was a mistake to say that it was wonderful to see a man with Downs syndrome playing football to such a high standard for Chelsea FC. The truth is that it took one of Frank’s team mates, the non-reader Joseph Cole, to enlighten me to Frank’s modest IQ. But however modest it is, he has not got the accursed Downs Syndrome because the non-reader has seen Frank with a copy of ‘The Life And Times of Victoria Beckman’ and also ‘Living the Dream, by Chantele. Joe is very happy because Frank reads to him in the changing room when the others have gone home… The kindness of others and how I have underestimated you Frank. You’re a giver Frank. A giver. I accept that with a whole hearted humbleness that only Frank would underststand. So well done Frank and I am sorry for what I have said, a little fart of emotion…

Now it would appear that I am denigrating Sage in some of these writings, but I speak as I find and I am a man of great intellect as you all know my readers. I must qualify that comment with relative tangible essence. I am a sardine as far as the Universe is concerned. A single sperm, congealed, dried and forgotten. Discarded, stuffed between pillow and mattress after the unsaid act has finished. I am nothing, a mere tide pool on a beach, but I do know what is going on. I know I am small in relation to all that is. Look, what I am trying to say is that most people are retarded. Or why would they think that Louis Walsh, Trevor Nelson and Sharon Osborne and Dani Minogue know anything about music? Well you are in true fact a retard. Some of you will see my point (as it were) and some might want to discuss the issue. This would prove my point. But only to those who know. And those who want to debate what is fact should go back into the polling booth and vote for someone that wants to take us to war. I am an old soldier and I have nothing but praise for our brave servicemen abroad. But, Afghanistan, why? Iraq, why? Well we all know why but you get my point or do you? Or are you saying that she or he has a good voice?

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One Response

  1. Tom@Priligy says:

    Really love the the cartoon! Wish I could make cool stuff like that :(

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