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23. House of Decadent Dalliances

Posted on: April 6th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

sean beanI make no apologies to Sean Bean for my caustic references, for it is because of his excesses in far flung places, that is, for his excessive sperm deliberation that I mock him. To put it bluntly, he shags Pygmies…

The truth is that there is a Tribe of the little creatures that look exactly like the overworked actor the blunt blade that he is…I mean that in terms of the dodgy football team that he supports not his sexual athleticism…

Now, I do have a bone to pick with Gladys or Maureen the God damn tea lady, what ever her name is… For I wasn’t well and she screwed up my honey and lemon drink-the malicious bitch that she is. I know she doesn’t like me… I’m sure she dangled her labia in it for the predominance of salt gave me heart burn. Perhaps I was rude to her at the time but that doesn’t give her a permit to piss in my Lemon drink even if I can be a cantankerous old sod at times. Perhaps I should not have expressed myself in that manner… but with regard my drink selections I am fervent- having had advice from Otis Van Strapons herbal remedies expert Adolf Eichmann …

I seem to be giving Sage a hard time at this moment… But the truth is, Sage and I have shared some magic moments and emotional ones recently. He touched me today… not physically but spiritually. For he showed me his literary skills I felt that we got closer because of this. He came up with a name for the New Hellfire Club. He called it The House of Decadent Dalliances, I was very impressed with this and I told him so. He became embarrassed over excited and ejaculated… metaphorically of course.

Now I have met many a famous person at the said House of Decadent Dalliances…Terry Weight on the door (a big man in more ways than one), .a bouncer with a bell on his putter… Any trouble and his ding a ling would respond accordingly. The complete charge-hand was Terry. And charge he did, when upset of course …

bongoAlso I must add there was a time (and you may well be aware of it). For it was when I upset the ex-Archbishops emissary this of course was when I became friends with Abdul, a failed suicide bomber. You will also hear if you haven’t heard already about Bongo From the Congo… Otis Van Strapon worshipped that gorilla. That was (and still is) Bongo. But needless to say, it all ended in tears and Sage laughed at the pairing. And this gave birth to a fuselage of anti-gorilla speak in the community. Boris Johnson the football ace and candidate for the Mayor of London promises should he take power he would force through changes in Ape Law so that Bongo and he can live together without discrimination from Hamsteadites such as Sage. And of course that troublesome reprobate and gorilla hater Liam Gallagher…

Trouble in store… things got serious on this day. For apparently when we were off-air I made a terrible faux pas of sorts… I was accused of racism and of acting like Jimmy Hill… I was very upset that this happened but I do feel Sage made me say it. Then pretended that it was an accident that we were still on air… but the point is, I would still have said it had we been on air… but the main point is I’m not a racist and I don’t like racists. If I would have said shoot the bounder instead of lynch him it would have passed without a fuss. I mean, I feel like John Lennon when he said that he was more important in the whole big scheme of things than Jesus or something like that…Or did he say that Jesus was a whoopsy I cant remember… but you get the point my friends…

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