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99. Immigration Policies

Posted on: January 3rd, 2010 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Happy New Year my dear friends…

Saddam Hussein CartoonIt was wonderful to see and hear the Bystander singing his Morrisseyesque song ‘You Touched My Leg In The Cinema’. Perhaps I was the only one to see the talent oozing out of the man as Sage wanted to have him thrown out of the studio and anally raped by Faye Featherlite! I was adamant in my protest against such a gross action, and of course I won… the Bystander stayed and sung his heart out for us all and everybody was happy – a good time was had by all… I mean, even Winston took out his penis in a moment of joy and passion. Yes, like I say… everyone was happy apart from Sage and Featherlite who were in sulk mood.

Now to the serious business – for it would appear that my ideas on immigration have upset Sage. The essence of which is based on being able to understand the English limp wristing culture… I mean if you haven’t heard of Quentin Crisp, April Ashley, Francis Bacon, Wilfred Bramble, Boy George, Lord Boothby or Kenny Williams then how can you profess to be a Londoner or better still a proud Englishman? The truth is, Sage felt that to have the Muslims dress up as Quentin Crisp was a bad idea… but I know many a good Muslim who would love to wear a nice cravat and loafers with a bit of blusher on their cheeks and to sing songs like they were Noel Coward with a fist up his bottom… I mean, once they got used to the limp wristed style of dress and action they might like it… they may even decide to drink coffee in Olde Compton Street with a cigarette holder and a bottle of lubricant in their top pocket… it would be at that point – once they realise how wonderful they look – that they would want to keep wearing the lavish attire. I know it wouldn’t go down too well in the Mosque, but you never know and that’s the point.

Another thought regarding this aspect of Englishness is the Maypole, for when I said to Sage that the new immigrants should dance around the Maypole while signing Piccadilly Palare by the Smiths… Sage of course scoffed and said that I was out of my tree and should be lynched like I was Saddam Hussein in hot pants…Which of course I found to be very harsh. Oh Sage what am I going to do with you? One minute you’re fretting about what people think of you and the next you’re ranting like a drunk American on crystal meth! But I just feel that I am making progress with regard the issues of immigration. My policies are fail safe and I feel I have made positive steps…

The point is I am not happy to hear Boris Johnson has a plan to make all immigrants pass a cycling proficiency test… I mean the last thing we need are more Barclays Bankers on bikes flying up the canal ways ringing bells and threatening Jihad all in the name of Allah…

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