Happy New Year my dear friends…

It was wonderful to see and hear the Bystander singing his Morrisseyesque song ‘You Touched My Leg In The Cinema’. Perhaps I was the only one to see the talent oozing out of the man as Sage wanted to have him thrown out of the studio and anally raped by Faye Featherlite! I was adamant in my protest against such a gross action, and of course I won… the Bystander stayed and sung his heart out for us all and everybody was happy - a good time was had by all… I mean, even Winston took out his penis in a moment of joy and passion. Yes, like I say… everyone was happy apart from Sage and Featherlite who were in sulk mood.

Now to the serious business - for it would appear that my ideas on immigration have upset Sage. The essence of which is based on being able to understand the English limp wristing culture… I mean if you haven’t heard of Quentin Crisp, April Ashley, Francis Bacon, Wilfred Bramble, Boy George, Lord Boothby or Kenny Williams then how can you profess to be a Londoner or better still a proud Englishman? The truth is, Sage felt that to have the Muslims dress up as Quentin Crisp was a bad idea… but I know many a good Muslim who would love to wear a nice cravat and loafers with a bit of blusher on their cheeks and to sing songs like they were Noel Coward with a fist up his bottom… I mean, once they got used to the limp wristed style of dress and action they might like it… they may even decide to drink coffee in Olde Compton Street with a cigarette holder and a bottle of lubricant in their top pocket… it would be at that point - once they realise how wonderful they look - that they would want to keep wearing the lavish attire. I know it wouldn’t go down too well in the Mosque, but you never know and that’s the point.

Another thought regarding this aspect of Englishness is the Maypole, for when I said to Sage that the new immigrants should dance around the Maypole while signing Piccadilly Palare by the Smiths… Sage of course scoffed and said that I was out of my tree and should be lynched like I was Saddam Hussein in hot pants…Which of course I found to be very harsh. Oh Sage what am I going to do with you? One minute you’re fretting about what people think of you and the next you’re ranting like a drunk American on crystal meth! But I just feel that I am making progress with regard the issues of immigration. My policies are fail safe and I feel I have made positive steps…

The point is I am not happy to hear Boris Johnson has a plan to make all immigrants pass a cycling proficiency test… I mean the last thing we need are more Barclays Bankers on bikes flying up the canal ways ringing bells and threatening Jihad all in the name of Allah…