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17. International Playboy

Posted on: January 20th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Lydia Van StraponSage has been loose on the tongue with regard my Playboy past… making reference to the famous song ‘Last Of The Famous International Playboys’. Making certain tangy inferences… I’m not impressed… After all, without me and my adventures Ian Fleming would have had nothing to base his James Bond novels on. Hugh Hefner would have become an accountant and Sean Connery would have remained a weight lifter and probably would have ended up fisting Arnold Swartzenegger for money in front of a theatre of aroused homosexuals. But anyway, I digress. I mean for crying out loud indeed… I was the first of the famous international playboys in those heady days with Errol Flynn and David Niven on the Yacht.

Moving on, Sage has accused me of racism and of the hideous and immoral crimes of gun running and diamond smuggling in Guinea and Sierra Leone. Yes I have been involved in such things but to suggest racism… Well, it’s totally inaccurate… a misnomer of sorts. The point being is that my little packhorse, daddies little helper as it were, was at the time the wonderful comedian from (‘The Comedians’ television show) Charlie-Cheesecake Williams himself. And I must add that whatever went on in Sierra Leone was a fifty/fifty arrangement. The only argument we ever had was over the AK47. Charlie, who never complained, was to say that the trigger kept catching on his wart. Yes the AK kept making his inner postierial wart bleed. I should have been more sensitive at the time. I think that is why Charlie went back to Manchester to have his wart removed at the Embassy club by Bernard Manning. A night that will be remembered by all that attended the comedy Club that evening as the whole front row ended up being covered and splattered in blood and yellow puss. Now… It is at this point that I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Nicky Piper for the references I made to his hairstyle. I have now introduced him to my own hairdresser Lydia Van Strapon (a fine cultivator of the Human Follicle). I think that Nicky will be pleased with Lydia’s ambidextrous aptitude and snipping technique… I know my own personal hairdresser Gavin was trained by the wonderful Lydia and I have not been happier. But I do hope this will help with Nicky’s mood swings and if things turn out for the best, he may well be allowed back into the Establishment Club.

Dickie BirdSomething I must say is that Sage has inferred that the honourable Dickie Bird the Famous Cricket Umpire extraordinary is some sort of deviant. So I say on Dickey’s behalf that Sage is a total dunderhead who is unable to grasp simple terminology and reality. He is a half witted nitwit, an inbred simpleton who claims to be a fan of cricket but only last week told me that he wasn’t a fan. He is like Davis Cameron; unable to make his mind up on any issue that may or may not affect the public at large. Anyhow, as you will find out… or maybe even you have already… Dickie is (and was) a hero and a man of high principle and moral standards…

And finally this now leads me to the new backroom boy Fay Featherlite who as far as I can see has no principles or moral standards as the brown stain on his bottom suggests. But Sage insists that there is nothing dirty about Fay’s brown stain and says that it was an accident. Apparently Fay had sat on Winston’s marmite sandwich. I feel that Fay Featherlite is a bad lot , hell bent (no pun intended). Yes… hell bent on the moral decay of our nation. All he said when I pointed out this discrepancy of nature was “Speak for yourself dear”… I met another one of Sage’s contemporaries today…A man called Dirty Dirk Belvedere. He was a singer apparently. Singing his song ‘Down In The Dumps’. The point is; I do feel I should share some of the lyrics with you for they were so bad and I feel you should hear what Sage regards as talent and proclaims proudly to like. I mean, Sage says he was at School with Dirk but I doubt it very much and even so, that is no excuse for such shameful lyrics… Anyway, here are the lyrics of the out of work porn stars song:

“Down In The Dumps”

I’ve been down in the dumps,

I’ve ridden over a lot of humps,

And I’m a rumpy rump pumper,

And I rumpy pump all day,

I’m a morning dirty dumper,

I loop the loop and sway,

Yes to the sounds of Maggie May…

Down in the Dumps,

Down in the dumps,

Oh no, I’ve got testicular lumps,

Oh-Oh ho I’m down in the dumps,

No more late night pumps,

Cos I got testicular lumps…

I mean really what’s going on?

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