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104. Jealous of Jonathan

Posted on: February 7th, 2010 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 2 Comments

I havebarry-manilow-cartoon always said if you hate someone so much why would you ask to see them in a thong? However it’s not what Sage said to Lindwall when Lindwall spoke of his liking for thongs, it is the mocking expression on Sage’s face and that look in his eyes that I detest. And they do say that the eyes are the window of the soul and God only knows what deviant mind boggling things are going on behind those dirty windows of Sage. Lindwall is (in his way) harmlessly irritating on occasions but what is irritating to Sage are the little things about Alvin… The fact that the said Lindwall is gullible and that he is walking about with one of Ronnie Kray’s double-sided yellow dusters and saying that they are genius. Sage might have a point when he shouts the man down on occasions but to have those lurid thong thoughts about Alvin – well – it’s a bridge too far. How do I know this?… It’s all in the eyes.

For the truth is I feel Sage felt sexually threatened when he saw Lindwall in his thong and that is why he shot him down in flames in public. Sage wishes he looked good in swimwear but he doesn’t and I have film footage to prove it! Now there is another salient point I would like to make: I think that Sage is jealous of the fine chat show host Jonathan Ross. It is obviously of a professional nature because why would you ring Scope (the former Spastic Society) and inform them of Jonathan’s minor impediment, his lisp? Did Sage think that he could get rid of Wossie that way?…well! Maybe not, but in his heart of hearts Sage must have known this for he invented a supplementary reason… he told them- Scope that is – that Ross had an impediment in his lower regions, a bent penis no less… kinked and twisted like candy bar and although I wouldn’t wish the two minor impediments that being the lisp and the kink on anybody else, it was just as I have said – professional Jealousy on Sages part. Needless to say, Scope refused Ross entrance after the interview. They told him not to worry for there is a sociological need for the odd bent dickey, I for the life of me can’t think of anything with regard the nature of the two impediments that would be good for society but I can see that no harm could ensue from these minor impediments.

Maybe Scope just wanted Wossie to feel good about himself again especially after his ordeal with Andrew Sacks… So Sage once again you fail in your devious action to bring down your betters. Yes, you got that one wrong because Ross has come back stronger and wittier than ever after his Scope ordeal and I know Sergio Crease agrees…

Now on the same lines I must put the record straight with regard Sage stirring the pot and upsetting the wonderful all round cricketer Jacque Kallis. Sage has said that I insulted Jacque’s favourite singer Barry Manilow by saying that the song Copa Cabaña was about a gay liaison in a poofs club (his words not mine). Well, I refute that in its entirety, but needless to say Kallis was livid and brought the CD into the studio without appointment, I think he wanted to play it on air and dissect it so that the world and his missus could see that there was no limp wristing involved in the lyrical content… But all was not to end well for the esteemed all rounder Jacques was waylaid by Ronnie Kray (who has become very protective of the Chit a Chat team) and cut down his face with a screw driver… then his Barry Manilow CD was stolen by Ronnie Kray who said that he plays it all the time at his fisting parties. Are you going to chastise Ronnie for stealing?… of course not… and now see what you have caused Sage by your impetuous behaviour… I say Sage, you must learn to hold your tongue and stop with this jealously and envious disregard for others and their feelings…

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2 Responses

  1. Andrew says:

    I just listerned to this on my iPod and was laughing out loud on the train. Well done

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