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73. How to cut knife crime in half

Posted on: March 9th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 13 Comments

Carol Vorderman cartoonDavid Ike is an agitator of the highest order cashing in on peoples fears like insurance companies and Carol Vorderman the number bitch. I know something is amiss in the world and I’ve seen things that I can’t explain, like Beatles songs being used to advertise the department store John Lewis – ‘With Love From Me To You’, maybe McCartney needs the money to pay off the one legged damsel Heather… and maybe she works for Ike. But how did the New World Order Pigs get to the lefty king Steve Earle using his song ‘Galway Girl’ to advertise Magners cider? A cider full of Irish urine and pubes provided by Boyzone for that real mediocre Irish taste and advertised by wankers on their weekend off. Yes! wankers who work in the city… I’m sorry, I just don’t know how this can be… unless Sage the manipulator is behind it all.

Sage says awful things and gets away with it but the fact of the matter is – he has powerful friends does Sage and that is how he manages to get away with what he says. Such as the time that he suggested that Dianne Abbot wears her clitoral hood over her head as a hoodie! All this to fit in on the estates of Hackney. She is only popular because of this. It has cut knife crime by half. Seeing the sexually charged Abbot in her clitoral hood excites the youths much that they spend most of their time pining for Abbot’s walkabouts. I think Mackorkadale plays a dangerous game the way he goes on and the way he needles me… having a go at Dianne Abbot… the reason being is that she snubbed him on the tube train and he feels humiliated by this fact. So he says things to try to bring the fine parliamentary down to his level – that of a guttersnipe…

I feel Dianne will have the last laugh, she always does. Especially where Andrew Neal and Michel Portillo are concerned… it is said they all share the same dressing room before the show and all that can be heard around the hallways and walkways of BBC central are the mad insane cackles of Dianne Abbot as she forces Portillo and Neal to perform for her as she releases the famed clitoral hood and shows them her secret places and that is all I know. .. other than to say that the smell of unfettered body odour is so intense that it suggests that something ungodly and physical has taken place for sure!!

I just would like to say that with all the so called un-PC things that I have said or have been alleged to have said… I say ‘Bollocks!’ I am a lover and a freedom fighter… my love of Jenny Two Fingers is wholehearted… Rog Agogo and I are now friends… I care about Faye Featherlite regardless of his shortcomings and I have sympathy for most of them for I to know what it is like to have been forced to play train games in the attic with uncle Eric. So in some way I can relate… and as for Winston is concerned: what a fine upstanding man. Also, I feel I stand alone in defending the freaks of the world -my own house boy Abdul has hate issues but I’m willing to forgive and forget that he is a fan of the music of Cat Stevens and we share a life together.

And so, I have nothing to reproach myself for the fact is I am half Jewish on my mothers side… the good side as it were. My middle name is Silas Abraham Moses Crabtree Smythe and I still give Islamic fundamentalists a second chance. I mean we have to understand each other and I know Sage wants to pump me full of lead because of it and he wants to hand me over to Hezbollah… I know this!

Sage says I’m an anti-Semite which is a contradiction in terms, like all things I suppose. I’m like the wonderful Mick MacCarthy in the belief that if you find a common interest, like the River Dance amongst other things, beautiful things can happen and spring will naturally lead to summer.

I myself like to take my clothes off in public and I said to Mick if he has a kipper tie to spare I would be happy to prance on Hampstead Heath with the wonderful green Kipper. Of course, if Mick has a spare, my dear Mrs Webb would be happy to prance with me – although with her various impediments her flicks and kicks would have to be minimal. But, Sage wants me beheaded. He wants the Islamists to stone me. I have no fear, London is drowning and I live by the river. I am sick of all these people in the world who are offended by anything that moves or speaks – these witless ones who wish to ban everything but their own knobs and genitalia – those self righteous brigade who are so left they don’t exist anymore. They disappear up their own arseholes to their mantra of give everyone a chance…

shaggy cartoonThe truth is, they are humourless catatonics each and every single one of them… I mean; did I shoot Nazi’s just to have beatnik goatee wearing assholes telling me how I must think? Bollocks! There was a time when beatnik meant something!

Now, just a little something on behalf of the ‘half man-half goat’ -Sergio Crease: The Man from Scope. I will keep you informed and let you know should anymore unfortunate incidents occur under my watch… such as Scopers being slung from high buildings and bus drivers being marmalised by the Crease for not providing adequate wheel chair access. I say ‘Scopers being slung from high buildings’ but that was not quite the case as some of you are aware – but to place a man in a wheelchair on the roof of a tall building while you beat a bus driver to within an inch of his life and not to expect him to fall off or roll off and do more damage to his already wrecked body is just foolish, insensitive and politically incorrect! So- as I say – Crease is an idiot but I do sympathise with the general sentiment. Sergio has had a lot to put up with over the years and was very upset that he was not picked to wrestle or run for team GB in the Para-Olympics. He was livid. But I do know now that he has serious aspirations to join the ranks of mixed martial arts. Sergio feels that he could do very well in the Octagon the cage of death in the U.F.C -The Ultimate Fighting Championship

Crease feels he would be hard to take down on account of the fact he is already down because he is a legless fighter. So his stand-up game is out of the window unless of course he is allowed to use his cheetahs and if that be the case the dynamic would change immeasurably. And, as he explained to me, he would love to be a stand up fighter like Chuck-The Iceman-Liddell and to be able to knock people senseless. But that life had delivered him a cruel blow and that fantasy would never be a reality… as he said – having no legs would have been too much of advantage against Ju Jitsu guys for it would have taken leg locks out of their arsenal. It would make it easier for him Crease thst is to manoeuvre himself on the ground to get a full or a half mount. Sergio also feels that his strengths are in his powerful arms – his wrestling ability, his ground and pound and his vile under arm smell – the smother the face technique. I know Sergio has been a fan of M.M.A since he first saw Ken Shamrock loose to Royce Gracie in U.F.C. 1 – The Beginning. He told me over lunch that he had learnt a lot about grappling from watching Rickson Gracie in the film Choke but the dream is over… although Sergio feels that the UFC have set a precedent already by having the deaf Scoper Matt Hamill already compete. He feels there is still a chance of glory…

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13 Responses

  1. Great post – I too am prancing on Hampstead Heath with you, Mick and the green kipper!

  2. @ Maybe McCartney needs the money to pay off the one legged damsel Heather…


  3. Lets all prance together on the Heath, great article

  4. I think it would be Jacko’s estate that would license the Beatles’ songs, but point well taken.

  5. Well for starters I cannot believed you were named Moses Abraham! Interesting indeed! True though Hampstead Health seems to be keeping us all prancing, so alls well with that!

  6. haha..who doesnt like to take their clothes of in public eh? I thoroughly enjoyed reading this artice! had few laughs too. Great article, and I love your name! would love to read more of your articles! cheeers

  7. Haha! You’re hilariously weird! but you still managed to make me laugh my ass off! I dont know how you manage to do these and come with them! Haha..Quite funny actually! cheers!

  8. Haha, that was awesome, like barney style awesome! definitely legandary man! cant believe you actually did that! you should have like a comedy podcast! like a daily update!

  9. This is the kind of article that would start a day. hehehe I enjoyed reading it. Highly recommended.

  10. Sam@Running says:

    oh how i love coming on here to read your whitty humour! Wonder if any Celebs actually come on here and get a laugh like all the rest of us!!! keep making me laugh i love your stories

  11. I promise I have no problems with you taking your clothes off in public, provided you have a body like Shemar Moore. If you’re all flabby and pasty, please please please just put it away and do everyone a favour :p

  12. Legendary article! It’s rare to come across things online now which are genuinely funny (and original!). Looking forward to reading more from you.

  13. Haha, what a joke. I seriously don’t mind the nude coming out here. It’s about time we were all free! Even if you flabby flabby flabby and pasty as someone mentioned above. Who cares! Get it out.

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