weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

29. Liberals and Nazis

Posted on: April 21st, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Alvin LindwallSage said I upset him with the lynching reference but I thought we had made our peace. But deep down I think Sage likes to whip up trouble like he was in that ‘House of Cards’. And then he said I was like a dying bumble bee in summertime. A dying breed… They all want me dead…

Sage was also very rude about my mother. He said I should un-plug her. Let her go peacefully, smother her face with a pillow like I was in that ‘One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest’ film. I know you can’t believe this of Sage. But it’s as true as I live and breath… Ah its all too much for a white man like me, for Sage says that I am not a liberal thinker. But I went boating with Ted Heath! What could be more Liberal than that? Sage retorted by saying he would never vote for a queer back bencher he called them.

Sage got all hot under the collar when I spoke about men at sea and their nautical fetishes… Sage also mocked my parenting skills and called me a swine of a father for disciplining my son like I was a Nazi and he (my son) was of a Jewish persuasion. But come to think about it, maybe that’s why Matthew my Son chose to become an Islamic fundamentalist… Not a pleasant thought. Sage said I was psychotic to feed the ducks with Matthew… But all parents feed the ducks with their children in Regents Park…

But I don’t care if Arsenal are table topping the Premiership. Derby took a pounding and we have the Hammers next… We owe them one or two. Sage said ‘come on you Spurs’.

It would appear that Sage and I have one thing in common: We loath Alvin Lindwall. I did tell the insidious Lindwall what I thought. I said to him; ‘What do you think this is? Do you think this is a fucking game Lindwall? I fought in wars for you.’ I told him that if it wasn’t for me he’d be speaking Kraut, eating dog and worshiping Allah. He put me in my place and said that he already worshiped Allah and if I said much more a Fatwa would be put on my head! Ungrateful man that Lindwall is. Do you know what he did? He took out his man part and slipped it between his legs and said look at my mangina and danced around the store room with a mop in one hand and the other holding his fruit cup!

Bruce Parry cartoonNot the sort of thing that would endear him to the Islamic boys I thought. He was like Bruce Parry the tribesman in Fiji. He said he wanted to be my friend. I said to him ‘would you want to be my friend if it was down to you to change my colostomy bag? Or had to scrape the waste from my anus with an old dessert spoon?’. The scary thing was, he then said that he has just the right spoon for the job’ and produced it straight away!

The sickening aspect of this sorry saga was that I had just seen him eating his trifle with the said spoon. ‘God save us all!’ I thought. And now with spoon a ready he then asked me to bend over-and with a grin that came straight from Hell he said ‘Let the games begin!’… the vile man that he is… And then Lindwall that is said that he would do anything for friendship so I told him to stay off the crystal meth. That was my advice to this very odd man because its very addictive. Because when I tried the accursed concoction I thought I was a Spartan warrior with a big blue veined phallus! Shocking really. I said to him that he was a good man. I would have said anything to get out of this situation. So I said ‘Hey Alvin, you’re a good man, but never forget…’ and then I forgot whatever it was that I should never forget. But I am an old man rotting from anal cancer… It’s a killer they say but then again they said that about the Nazis… And I gave them a good kicking!

Be Sociable, Share!


Leave a Reply