weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

76. Jeremy Clarkson and Lily Allen

Posted on: March 29th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 6 Comments

It would appear that Jeremy Clarkson is a jovial man on the surface, maybe a little edgy at Jeremy Clarkson Cartoontimes, but a fine fellow never the less. A lover of lorry drivers and dead prostitutes. But as usual, Sage says different… Sage begs to differ. Sage says that Clarkson has a nasty side and has admitted to hurting cats in his youth. I find this out from Sage who had Clarkson over to his home for dinner to prepare for a future interview for ‘Chit a Chat’. Sage says that the big chap had too much to drink and kept talking about dissecting ‘Fluffy’ – the Mackorkadale family cat. Apparently Clarkson made it seem like a joke at the time but Fluffy would not go near him… But the point is Sage forgot himself that evening, for he let slip that the ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson shags puppets and in particular Paddington Bear .

I feel Sage was just trying to distract Clarkson from the constant cat baiting, but he made things worse by suggesting that Jacko had raped Paddington bear without any gentle persuasion. Clarkson was furious and threw Fluffy out of the window – not on I say!… But understandable of course when one considers that Clarkson had grown up with the first ever Paddington Bear. His mother being the inventor of the duffle coated little one. Clarkson has put a contract out on ‘Mr No-nose’ (as he calls Jackson). Yes, I know, a man of extreme wit is Clarkson… the thought of any Paddington Bear being violated is bad enough but by the King of Pop makes his blood boil. And now Clarkson wants Jacko… and what Clarkson wants Clarkson gets. You see, Clarkson has found out where the King of Pop lives at this time (apparently somewhere in Devon) and now he has spent a small fortune on a giant ‘Top Gear Paddington’ with a little seat inside for a degree of comfort.

You then say to yourself how do I know this? Well, it’s Sage – he can’t help himself. Anyhow, Clarkson has followed my interviews and knows how the King of Pop got caught out before. As you may already know; I myself was violated by Jacko as I was disguised as the famous Paddington Bear… but that we will confine to the history books.

Clarkson has certain standards and will not be buggerd for money. But I must add that his good friend Ray Winston will do any thing for a pound note… As I have said before in these memoirs, I know for a fact that Ray is sick of paying taxes to the British Government and will take any work that is on offer… Well! the fact is – Ray will hide himself inside the large Paddington Bear. He will then be placed outside the Jackson abode in Tavistock… for we know Jackson ‘the fetisher’ will not be able to resist the oversized puppet and will have it taken into his bedroom with Big Ears Noddy and the wonderful El Rabitto (who I know is a favourite and has travelled near and far with the puppet fetisher Jacko)…
As I have said, Ray Winston will do anything for the ‘King’s shilling’. He will put himself in action mode to tempt Jacko… he will bend over and tantalise the singer with the Clarkson mechanised bum cheek wobbler and once the King of Pop takes the bait… that is once his little stick of rock touches the hairy arsed actor… Ray will burst out of Paddington Bear shouting – ‘Rape!’ and with his infamous pool ball in his sock he will proceed to give the king of Pop a good and thoroughly deserved ‘scum like’ thrashing. I’m sure Clarkson will be thrilled having not been violated himself and will jump for joy like he did all those years ago when his mother first handed him the Paddington Bear that she had created for children…and not – I repeat – NOT for perverted pop stars! But I do ask- Is this all in Sage’s head? I don’t know but it all seems feasible. But with all things – if I wasn’t there I can never know for sure unless of course they get film footage…

Now, some of you have written to me in respect of my memoirs and have questioned my attitude towards Sage…words to the effect that ‘I don’t give him a fair crack. A fair crack is exactly what I’d like to give him… right over his over inflated egotistical head. But, luckily someone did it for me and threw him in the canal. Sage says he has every right to ride his bike on the waterway and that he is a considerate rider taking into account walkers, dogs and fishermen. But I say ‘bollocks!’. Bikes and their bells ruin the tranquillity of canal life, zooming past at ridiculous speeds. Sage says I am critical of my fellow man but when I want to walk my dog ‘Jihad’ on the canal I spend most of the time avoiding the idiotic clan of push bikers and their ding-ding fucking bells. So, all I can say is I was pleased when Sage arrived at the studio with wet lycra and a bent bike after being shouldered into the water by big Alan from Cornwall.

Good riddance I say to the evil on the tow path, the one place as a dog owner I can go to get away from the chaos of the London streets… where my dog should be able to run free… But: I am confronted by the self righteous biker hordes with their holier than thou- ‘but we are saving the planet’ rhetoric. Bunch of bike riding Lance Armstrong fans. My point is – they have turned the walk way, the tow path into another busy street and I hate them for it. Bloody Sage on his peddle bike… like Boris Johnston or Davis Cameron pretending to be saving the planet…and now his mohair- yes! his Angora goat hair shorts are ruined! A Turkish delight in my book… if ever there was one… who does Sage think he is? Oh Sage you’re so wise and wonderful… he bloody well thinks he is so evolved spiritually, emotionally and physically and he believes that he has a strong mentality. He even said that he was as good as Rudolf Steiner in this regard and that he knew the truth with regard mans metaphysical evolution… and in the words of Toyah Wilcox – ‘the whole thing is a mystery’. All this from a man who picks on the meek and the weak, a man who also said that Featherlite had the brain of a female and that proof of this was all the silly noises Faye made. How insensitive to the possibility that our Featherlite is a Whoopsy!… But when I explained this to the ‘King of the talk show’ Sage retorted with the sentence; ‘give him a brain scan then we will know for sure if he is a fruit’. I know my good readers!… Mackorkadale is an ass…

Moving on from one super ego to a nasty super power back on the rise – that being the super power- ‘ooh we have got more gas than you-and if you don’t do as we say-we will cut your gas off’ Russia…

I would just like to say this: Although all you Eastern block countries take Eurovision seriously we in Britain see it as a joke and a bit of mediocre, banal, retarded, camp, talentless, hapless fun… So stick your nil points up your Ruski bottoms! That is all I have to say. I have slain the Russian Bear before and I will do it again… I still have Otis Van Strapon and his salt vision plan and we can screw you Russia… just as you can screw us… but either way we will both be cold!

Sage wants me dead. Lily Allen CartoonI can see it in his eyes and he has told Keith Allen that I was not a fan of the Lily Allen Show. Yes, exactly… I’m not a fan of his daughter’s show just as I am not a fan of Israel’s foreign policies towards Palestine and Lebanon… or the Muslimists bombing raid in Mumbai. I am however a great lover of Lily and her weightloss. Although I must say I am more a fan of curvature than skinny. But I feel Sage believes that by causing and instigating trouble between myself and Keith he feels that I may get my comeuppance with Keith, being the lunatic with a knife that he is! But I would like to add that my issues are not with Lily, dear Sweet Lily but rather with her attitude towards A .J. Hartley the famous fisherman. Taunting him with Werthers Originals, kicking him out of his chair and then snapping his fishing rod! All for the entertainment of an audience with the collective personality of a plank…

That said and although I don’t agree with her antics… Lily is lovely and the nation should take her to their hearts. She should be the nation’s sweetheart – not that vile pervert Cheryl Cole and her vibrating knickers.

I also know that Sage thinks I am a little bit like Tony Hancock – cynical and verbose. Now, call me paranoid but I felt that Sage was subliminally trying to get me to pack my bags and fly out to the Antipodes to kill myself!That is the sort of man Sage is… cruel and twisted like Charles Manson… but as Neil Young once said – ‘the world keeps turning and I hope it don’t turn away’. And on that note I move on…

Colonel's signature

Be Sociable, Share!


|


6 Responses

  1. I had no idea Lilly Allen had her own TV show. Just one more step towards Armageddon.

  2. R6 Battery says:

    Come on Lilly Allen is not the absolute worst she is OK!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Colonel Crabtree-Smythe says:

    Lilly is a fine young gal…a cricket fan , a Fulham fan , fair play to Lilly…

  4. Lilly Allen is awesome…and nicer to look at than Mr Clarkson…!

  5. Jeffrey Lens says:

    That Paddington (i suppose) bear looks so funny =)

  6. Hey! I was just having giant pleasure reading your site. It was great time for me indeed. If there would be more sites with so much usefull informations like this one, then my knowledge wouldn’t be so painful to get for me. I can assume that there would be no necessery to spare so much time on searching informations. So in conclusion i just wanted to show you how i am grateful for your effort to make this site.

Leave a Reply