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87. Tales from the old East End

Posted on: July 28th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 4 Comments

A frank mitchell mad axemanfew words on Sage’s attitude that belies the true history of the East End. To say that most of what we think happened is mythological… well I ask you!I must say this Sage, if you think that the long arms of the two East End gangsters can’t reach you because they have passed away, well, all I can say is ‘watch this space’ because I have a feeling that we have not heard the last of the infamous Twins. The real truth regarding the mad axeman Franklin Mitchell and the way he was disposed of will come out. The fact is Sage – you were on the periphery of these hideous activities. You can’t go through life in denial and blaming a young Les Dennis for everything. That sort of action shows cowardice and proves (as they used to say in the olde East end) that you are a weddings man, a screamer and are certainly not staunch in any way shape or form and are a man not to be trusted.

Moving on, some new information has come my way regarding the scolding of Max, Sage’s son… and this has come straight from the horse’s mouth. Max says that he was upset and surprised at Sage’s attitude when he found, what appeared to be, a Sidney Lefco suit in store in the attic. Sage’s son Max said to Sage that the large shoulders were most unusual and very lumpy. That’s when Sage lost his head and cuffed the youth… not on Sage! And why would Sage have one of the Kray twins suits in his possession in his attic? There is a sinister aspect to all of this-and the truth is out there. One day I will get my hands on the said Kray suit and finally get some answers about Sage and his sinister past.

Changing the subject, it was wonderful to heat from the celebrated Audrey Effington Bilderberg and his song ‘Cornered Heart’. I only have to say the title and a tear drops from these old eyes. I say this because I would like you to see and to feel the contrast in attitude between Sage and myself with regard the song. To be blunt, my feelings of deep regard for men and women of unfortunate need come to the fore and the teardrops flow. But Sage’s almost Lectorish disregard for the feelings of others makes this old man sick. The way he made light of Audrey’s song of compassion… he implied that the man (who was hanging upright in a hospital ward) should be put out of his misery! I do believe that you, Sage dear boy, have been mixing with Glen Hoddle and Irene Drury and that you feel the whole thing has a past life connection -with cripples and freaks having been bad people in previous lives–shame on you Sage!

I move on from Sage’s retarded concepts and onto the perverse ageist madness that permeates Sage’s brain. What is going on I say when Sage implies that the home of the Chelsea pensioners are a luxury this country can’t afford? You may well say that Sage would not get involved in local politics. Well, believe me – I have it on good authority that is precisely what he is doing. Sage has been caught on camera cuffing a Chelsea pensioner with a wet haddock. All this happened whilst the old man sat on a park bench reading his Sun newspaper. You won’t believe what he said to the old boy… he told the doddery old chap to stop wasting his time reading that fascist newspaper and told him to get himself a job! I ask you, what planet is Sage on? A seventy year old man with gout! Get a job! Not on Sage. When his friends Bert and Fred hear about the insult there will be hell to pay… they were the founders of the SAS so be warned Sage: Bert and Fred are on the look out for you and your wet haddock.

Now I must zoom ahead, cut another corner as it were. cosmonaut thespianSage has upset the Russians. How on Earth could or would one want to do that? But in Sage’s defence I don’t think it’s his fault because when he approached the Phil Taylor look alike Barry George, to star in a film about the great darts player’s life… how was he to know that the film was to be made with Russian monies? You may well ask and indeed you may well be thinking – what the hell is Sage doing casting for a major motion picture financed by the Russian Mafia? Well, this is not the time to speculate that point but needless to say Eric Bristow (that crafty cockney) was involved. The crafty one had been approached by an equivalent organisation from America to sabotage the deal. The fact of the matter is Sage had put his nose in where it was not wanted again and was trying to get his friend and fellow voyeur Barry George in the film of the great darts players life. But of course the Russians wanted their own man to play the lead role – Vladimir Courvoisier the Russian cosmonaut and fine thespian. Now you can see the complications that Sage has caused by putting his nose in where it is not wanted and to add to the complications – Phil Taylor wants to play himself in the film on location in his own home… empty takeaway wraps in the corner and dirty underpants stuffed down the side of the sofas…

However, it must be said that Bristow has come out in protest against the filming… especially in Taylor’s own home. Bristow said… and I’m inclined to agree… he said that “filming part of the Powers life story in his own home is not a bad thing on first viewing but all that flock wallpaper will have to go, for we have had enough flack over the years with our silly shirts beer bellies and our small slug like penises”…

For the final compromise (and there had to be one to save the day on all fronts) – I (through my MFI connections) arranged a meeting between the arguing factions. Vladimir Courvoisier would do the love scenes – for his naked posterior is regarded as more palatable to the darts officials and viewing public. Taylor would throw the darts and drink the pints and the flock wallpaper would be replaced by a softly flowered French variety. Barry George would be killed off as it were- movie talk for being dropped from the film or maybe not! Of course Scorsese would direct… A wondrous compromise and all done by myself… oh and by the way Sage – keep your distance from Barry for it’s on the cards he could be taken out at any day.
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4 Responses

  1. I want the part of Phil Taylor !!!!

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