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146. Hung Up On Meat Hooks (don’t do me like that!)

Posted on: March 31st, 2012 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

colonel's medalsSpring is here ladies and gentleman and i have perhaps reached the end of my tether , a tether that is frayed and worn like my old summer hat! What to do? The point about all this is Sage blames the Muslimists for all our home front problems and i for one am sick of the hypocrisy, its is vomit inducing for me to think that people can be so blinkered single minded and dumb! I for one will never and can never forgive the Americans for what they did to me on duel occasions !

I had taken a trip to the United States not so long ago while wearing a smock and British Army regalia to boot! I after much confusion and whimsy headed to an air base in New Mexico … From there i flew to Cuba and from there on in I was driven to Guantanamo bay by and chap called Almandeto Juan-Carlos! Now Almandeto had body odor a- b.o- that i believe could have stripped gloss paint off any skirting board- In-fact he smelled so bad it seemed to me that the smell that permeated from his under carriage was definitely a fine contraceptive- of that i was in no doubt … I took notes and continued to breath through my mouth!

I was in Cuba to visit my then incarcerated house boy Abdul, he who had been arrested for purchasing newsagent fireworks on one November the 5th not so long ago… He had been gagged skaged and tea-bagged and before he knew it he was on a plane heading for Cuba! I had not noticed he was gone not until i realised we had no fireworks for our Guy Fawlks celebrations later that night! Investigations were made and Abdul’s tracks were followed and i found my self also in Cuba looking for the silly mushroom eating cretin!

Now i had gone through all the proper channels and Mi6 had given me clearance also i had a license to kill in my top left pocket ! Which my good people i was willing to use at any fucking moment !
I was checking in at the main gates of the infamous Prisoner of war camp/concentration camp where upon i came across a mean looking son of a minor, some Don Frye, Dan Severn,looking bastard called Butch Reynolds! Muscled to the nines and probably filled with steroids ! Id seen men like this at leather clad fisting parties in Soho London- So i knew there type and when i told him so he didn’t take to kindly to the accusation !

It was then that the shouting started ” I DID NOT CALL YOU A FAGGOT-YOU CAD, YOU BRUTE – I MERELY STATED THAT YOU LOOK LIKE ONE ! – NOW LET ME PASS- I WISH TO SEE ABDUL- HE IS AN INNOCENT MAN – and has chores back home to attend to !”

That’s when Butch Reynolds lost the proverbial … he tensed his muscles and grabbed me by the collar …He slid his hands behind my neck and locked on putting me in his vicious Thai clinch- he then brought up a swift knee to my forehead that brought me to mine… Thats when things took a turn for the worse.

I was dragged by my balding hair into the staff shower room … I would have screamed but in Guantanamo bay no body hears you scream…. Thats when Butch decided to give me a taste of his own brand of water torture.. I watched as our Yankee hero un-zipped his flies and took out what can be only described as a lower proboscis that would have made Barry Manilow`s upper proboscis jealous ! Then he peed on me, a rich yellow golden shower that seemed to go on for ever …He completely saturated my license to kill that i thought would have been safe in my top left pocket- so that option was out of the window ! So i had to take it- just take it- a Colonel Of the British Empire being peed on by a gay looking American- a leather boy ! I took my punishment like a public school boy found Abdul who seemed quite happy in his cage- but was nevertheless pleased to see me even though now it was me who smelled like paint stripper ! We both left Guantanamo bay a little wiser perhaps but both not quite knowing what to do with our new found knowledge !

This had not been the first time i had been peed on by a Yank … It had been years maybe decades before when i was in Hollywood doing some sort of covert operation under the covers for the Empire and i found myself drunk on Talisker Whiskey… I don’t remember much of what happened before or during the drinking session but i do know i had collapsed into and fallen dead to the world in somebodies front garden early one morning…

I had taken refuge behind a low wall that led to a front gate…
I woke with a jolt thinking i was in a first world war trench and that the weather had just turned for the worse…
It seemed like i was being assaulted by a deluge of of rain until i tasted salt …
Maybe i had been kidnapped and was being tortured by the krauts !
Then i snapped back to reality and above me there was an odd looking chap pissed as a wet fart …
pissing on me !
” WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING? YOU CUNT ?” I cried trying to divert the urine from my eyes …
Thats when the chap redirected his chopper …and finished up on the pavement !
“Sorry man .. didn’t see you there …You must be some kind of nut ?”
” YOU’RE THE NUT !- blooming fool !” i replied
“Oh your a limey eh? If you’re gonna piss on a nut- piss on a limey nut- i say!”
“Oh do you? Well don’t pee on me if you know whats good for you!”
” Well my limey friend id love to talk but Ive got work to do- you god damn nut- sorry for pissing on you,
let me buy you drink some time- come to the bar ask for me Charles -Charles Bukowski -so if you’ll excuse me!”
he dropped a hand full of restaurant napkins on me and stumbled off until i could see him no more!
“Calling me a nut!” i thought “Hes the nut …pissing on people like that and with a name like Bukowski he probably was half a kraut !”
I did meet him in the bar later that night but thats another story-for another time!

But i just want to make the point clear .. Its all very well to have a go at the Muslimists and put the Americans on the moral high horse- but never have i been pissed on by a worshiper of Islam and im sure there is a moral to that somewhere !

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