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105. Michael Jackson’s nose

Posted on: February 14th, 2010 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

Now we come to peter-sellers-cartoon the final curtain for the world is a stage and back to Alvin Lindwall… Did you know that Lindwall has a new bucket and won’t leave off talking about it… I’m sure you can imagine what it’s doing to Sage’s equilibrium but I will leave that one to stew in its own juices, I am more concerned about our wonderful brave men in the service of our country. Sage has said that the songs that they sing are dirty and a slight on our women folk. Nonsense. I think that the song is about German officers who crossed the line who fucked the women and drank the wine… Sage you’ve got it wrong again, a British Officer would not do such a thing and if he did he would always ask for permission. I feel the song is a sociological comment on the behaviour of the enemy and our bright boys are embellishing the legacy of Owen, Sassoon and Milligan in the great mediums of poetry and song.

So Sage get you facts right… Do you think our brave boys act like animals or ever have done? No – we comply to the Geneva Convention – the rules of Kissinger. Do you feel Sage that the British Soldier has German tendencies? Never… I mean, you see our boys in action today in Iraq and Afghanistan… for a start you can’t get a drink in a Muslim country and as for fucking the women you would have your balls cut off if you tried! So don’t talk about things you don’t understand…

Talking of poetry – I must put the record straight with regard Sage’s attitude towards the great song writer and performer Michael Jackson. To suggest that he had a rubber nose whilst lying in his coffin in a state of grace and that I was responsible for the said nose in question is ridiculous… and not so… For the truth is I do have a selection of wonderful false noses given to me by Peter Sellers years ago. But, I was not asked to plant a falsie on the face of the King Of Pop… that was down to Otis Van Strapon…You see the Jacksons knew that the King Of Pop would turn in his grave if people could see that he had no nose and of course the thought of giving him a false rubber nose was out of the question to their way of thinking – not to mine may I add. And so it was that a real nose of flesh and blood had to be provided stolen from a horse (I jest) and so it was done. Whose nose was Jacko buried with? I will tell you – it was the nose of Sarah Jessica Parker sarah-jessica-parkerthe fiend from Sex And The City and I have to say she was happy to part with her proboscis for Michael had been such an inspiration to her over the years and she said that it was the time in her life to go for a new nose… So like I say; all is well that ends well.

PS. Just one thing… to Sage: I was appalled to hear that you read Peter Sutcliffe’s poem on air, the title ‘Smash and Grab’ is distasteful in itself – what were you thinking Sage?

Thank you ladies and gentlemen I hope you have enjoyed my memoirs and I shall be back soon… Hopefully… if im not dead…

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One Response

  1. RONNIE KRAY says:

    I had a race horse once, “Solway Cross”, never won a race…

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