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20. Paddy Ashdown

Posted on: January 20th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

My medalsAfter the last interview Sage has made mention of a phone call that he received from an irate Richard Blackwood who says that he is petrified,scared to leave his flat, because he and Sage are good friends and go way back. Blackwood has asked Sage to do some shopping for him. Now Sage has sworn me to secrecy with regard the Blackwood predicament. So you can see why I am torn between my loyalty to my vigilante friends and Sage’s need to test my loyalty. Anyway, it would seem that Blackwood being on his own has needs and has taken to obsessive masturbation syndrome. Not a crime in itself, but the obsessive nature of the self-proclaimed funny man had made his part sore… Yes he had worked his ample member until it bled.

So a trip to the chemist for some sort of healing agent was necessary… Now I am not a hard man and felt a little sorry for the confined Blackwood and decided to call the Cottagers and design some sort of truce. The fact of the matter was that I decided to call in Otis Van Strapon to look at the wounded todger. His plan I was sure would have been to sew up Blackwoods foreskin like a French Sausage and to insert a colostomy bag into his hip. Sage relayed the message to Blackwood but he was mortified at the suggestion and said that he would rather let his best man fall off rather than trust Van Strapons highly questionable methods. So it would seem that all bets were off and that Blackwood is still fair game as far as the cottagers are concerned.

With Paddy Ashdown in BurmaNow you all know about my experiences in Burma. As you know, myself and my good friend Paddy Ashdown were prisoners of the Japanese. And as you know by now, dear Paddy had the indignity of having his Batswing decimated by the cruel Japanese torturer Ying Tong Yakamoto; a bastard of the highest order. A psychotic with no teeth, a pierced tongue and one eye. Well all I can say is that it puts Blackwood’s self abuse into perspective the bounder that he is… But what upset me more than anything was that Sage scoffed at the idea of Ashdown being tortured. I didn’t know Sage was so cruel… And he accuses me of being dismissive of others…

Finally, and I mean it this time, I would like to add that our treatment of Hoodies may seem shocking to some but we feel it necessary when a lack of respect is shown by the youth of today to a war hero of the past. I know that playing the music of James Blunt is a terrible punishment even for the most disrespectful youngsters… Worse than being beaten with sticks or whips, but as I say, needs must where the devil drives… And I’m sure you agree…

Well all I can say is thanks for reading my latest memoirs people. I hope it leaves you in good cheer.

Peace and love,

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