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110. With Ya Pants Down

Posted on: June 5th, 2010 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

As my memoirs Horatio Nelson with the Colonel Bonaparteproceed forward I feel that I have failed to lighten up on Sage. It is very hard for me to do so, for he aggravates me at every turn. He continuously misses the point and has no imagination. He’s like an Evangelical Christian, for instance, Sage called our Winston(the backroom guy and the engine room of the show) Sage called him, “his little drummer boy.” He may as well have called him his “little black boy” as far as sly insults go, for I feel he Sage that is, is always trying to get one up on his peers. I say grow up Sage and stop these racial slurs, this racial banal juvenility.
You blame me Sage, but why do you think that Alan Sugar keeps turning up at the studio asking to be heard? Why? Because he wants blood – like you said that you were the new messiah. You have riled up the Jewish fraternity and Sugar has stepped forward… “never again” was his cry. Alan Sugar was livid when he heard you call a Jewish friend of his a ‘skullcap skullduggera’. I mean – “Sammy the Jew” was plenty upset at the time of Sage’s scathing attack. Not on Sage! Do you really want to light the touch paper? That could well lead us all to Armageddon… It’s the one thing we don’t need at this juncture… No we don’t need a visit from Mossad all guns blazing.

It doesn’t end there my good friends. I really think Sage went too far when he refused to take his shoes off before entering the Regents Park Mosque, he was there to interview local cleric Sodom Bomfesta, the said Bomfesta was appalled at this outrage and asked Sage in no uncertain terms to take of the offending coverings. Sage reluctantly capitulated, but when Bomfesta saw the state of Sage’s feet he gave Sage a less offending pair of rubber feet that he had purchased from the local joke shop around the corner in Baker Street. Bomfesta was pleased to do so because he had saved the rubber coverings for just such an occasion. I know that George Galloway the Muslimist apologist was livid at Mackorkadale`s action and wants to have a debate regarding the incident in front of a partisan Islamic crowd. “Any excuse eh George” to play to the audience and then shout at Sage in your best Scottish ‘I’ve been stuck up a mountain in the Highlands for too long’ type manner. “I know what cold wind really is, so don’t mess with me, I’m George Galloway – a self promoting, self serving, egotistical, cigar smoking, socialist prick who has about as much subtle grace and élan as an elephant with a dose of the Eartha Kitts? And I (like all people on the left) have no hair on my bollocks! But I know how to talk a load of old toss so as to ingratiate myself with militant groups in the Middle East, but deep down I know that they hate me but what the hell, I’m Galloway and I matter to me!”

Like I’m sure you’ve gathered by now – I am no fan of the feline fancier Galloway but Sage will insist on rattling his cage, in doing so he may have to contend with those twits from the Islamic Forum of Europe who want us all singing to their tune. They already have a foot hold or should I say a sandal in Tower Hamlets. Then Sage will have no choice, he will have to take his shoes off in the mosque or face a public stoning to the death. Now I feel it is time to move on to another strong aspect of Sages character, this being his anti gay stance. I mean to say – Peter Tatchell is a “hero on the streets of Soho and the beaches of Brighton” in no understatement, but I have to say I was upset when I heard that he Tatchell and Sage were trying to poison the memory of my late great friend and inspiration the great Quentin Crisp. Yes, the humorless Tatchell called him anti-gay and a self-loathing homosexual because he didn’t stand up for gay rights,and suggested that he Crisp that is only cared about himself and didn’t care about the plight of his fellow Mardi Gras frequenters. Peter Tatchell then verbally attacked Faye Featherlite on Faye’s show “Limp Wristed Affairs” with the same bile saying that he Faye that is was a bad example for future iron hoofs and that Faye should stand up for his people and stop being so limp. To be fair to Faye he retorted by saying “no, I can only be me, I can only fight my own battles,” and that as far as being equal was concerned “why would I want to be equal with people who judge me and the way I am, why would I want to be friends with those who are harsh anyway? It’s awful,” Faye then finished up by adding that, “its people like you Tatchell who cause division in the gay world and are trying to cause a civil war in Soho.” Tatchell just scoffed and spat at Featherlite. It was at this point Sage laughed and gave the man Tatchell a high five. Sage then gave Faye Featherlite a kick in the ribs while pulling on his hair, Faye broke into tears and ran into the arms of Ronnie Kray. That’s when Sage changed his tune and said that he was only playing, as Ron had told him to “stop messing about or I will have to smack your bottom, and I’m telling you, you wont like that son.” Like I have always said – Sage really gets it wrong allowing Peter Tatchell to whip him up into a frenzy like that, such a sycophant is Sage. So before I move on I wish to speak out in defense of my good old friend Quentin Crisp and of course my new friend Faye Featherlite who I feel is nothing more than a solid chap and loyal to the bone.

Anyhow as I have explained he has been attacked by the vile arrogant caustic mummy’s boy Peter Tatchell, saying that Crisp was a homophobe and anti gay rights. I say this is not the case and that Tatchell the liberal limp wrister is still at large with his vile hackneyed arrogance. The point about it is that all anyone can be in their life is themselves, and if one tries to be liked by being something or someone they’re not, then there are still those people who are not going to like you period. So why not be hated for being who you are rather than to be hated for pretending to be something you’re not. Point is – you could be Jesus Christ himself and people such as Alan Sugar would still want to bring out the wooden cross from the attic and on the flip you could be Hitler and people would still want to put your image on their wall and salute you with a fervor that only a cub scout could understand. Never try to be accepted by people, don’t go to them… let them come to you. On the whole, people are full of shit anyway… most of them are scared of their own shadow come to think of it. I think the nub of this issue boils down to the fact that rights by themselves are restricted by the law of the land and those that pass those laws have personal bias and their own egotistical concepts as to how they see the world. So why beg plums and misguided people for the right to be yourself? Simply find out who you are and be it! There is no gay union just as there is no black union, what I mean is not all Muslims can agree on how to be the perfect Muslim. Not all Christians agree on the correct way forward with regard to gay priests or same sex marriages, gays judge gays just as West Indian people question Africans, it is all a cul-de-sac trap when you try to join the crowd and take false refuge in consensus… It gets you nowhere but hurt. I suppose this applies to all issues with regard to personality. If you are black, so what? It does not define you. What defines you are a myriad of traits, characteristics, attributes and essences that may or may not specify who you are and that my friend goes for everyone, Fact! Religion does not define you, sexuality does not define you, your star sign does not define you, and your political allegiances do not define you. So get over yourself people get over it people for Christ’s sake… start looking for who you really are. So to finish up here if you are an outcast in the eyes of society and then one day a law is past and all of a sudden you are accepted you may (and probably will) still find scorn from people who don’t agree with how you go about being you because they think your actions show them as a whole in a bad light, all I can say to that is “bollocks.”

Have some confidence in yourself and stop expecting people to fall into line with your own egotistical view of the perfect world. The egotistical dream of utopia is a lie and always ends in someone’s death and or genocide. So Mr. Tatchell where are you going to run to then?… When you are being chased down Olde Compton Street by a load of olde queens with pitch forks who think that you are prat… who thinks that your way is the right and only way? We stand alone in terms of who we are and what we are and with that in mind be alone as you are, bollocks to the siege mentality the club mentality because at the end of the day there is always going to be someone who hates your guts. So if you are invited to a fancy-dress party I say go as yourself and when you are asked “who have you come as?” you tell them, “I have come as me and if you don’t like it bog off… you unimaginative fool dressed as Superman.” So to finish up: Crisp was not anti anything other than that of the clubs in life that separate us and lead us to war, and don’t forget people – this man fought his whole life just to be himself. So, why would he want to regress and join the prissy lefty tossy Peter Tatchell bandwagon?

However, in saying this I feel Sage’s homophobic attitude towards Crisp and Featherlite is no more than a front to try to win over the friendship of men like Peter Tatchell.
I feel I have proof of this so I ask you ladies and gentlemen – did you watch the program on the television where certain political figures went to stay with plebeians from council estates? Well the point I am trying to make is that Sage is not all bad when it comes to our fisting friends. The fact of the matter was I saw our man Sage incognito on the estate yes, Sage had decided to go under the covers. Sadly for he I recognized him, yes you’ve guessed, it was his shorts… a dead give away. I appreciate that he stained them and ripped them to make them look rough and ready and I feel he got the hoody spot on but I do hope that the white stains on the shorts were not what I think they were. I have to say that Sage is no Jason Bourne… come to think of it he is not even Inspector Clouseau but when he consoled the defunct lily livered parliamentarian Mark Otin it brought a tear to my old eyes, to see Sage walk up to the disgraced Otin whilst he lay on the grass on the estate grounds and gave him a pep talk. I have to say Otin at that stage was mentally beaten and suicidal. He had been verbally challenged by the young of the estate. They had called him “a shirtlifter and an aids case” amongst other very bad things. Sage I watched you cup Otins buttock as you bent down and told him to, “act like a man and face it down,” you said that you too had danced with the devil as it were, and no doubt one must say it worked… the man Otin felt better for it. He bucked up his ideas and continued the filming process with his penis always close at hand ready for a callow youth to grab hold of and be truly inspired. But I have to add you yourself Sage… you destroyed all you good works by castigating Otin in public by calling him, “A Nancy boy with no testosterone” you’re a conundrum Sage an enigma. Sage I did say that I would be a little gentle with you this time around but you have outdone yourself again dear boy by making light of the Haitian earthquake. Ladies and gentleman Sage was heard to say by me and Winston that the Haitian people had made a pact with the devil and had been punished accordingly by a higher being… that being being God. What a load of toss… that sort of statement smacks of Blairite self centered justification.

Yes it seems Pat Leona Lewis Visits HaitiRobertson and the Christian right wing has been at your door. The truth is it was not God that got rid of the French and that midget firebrand Napoleon it was the British and the true spunk of Horatio Nelson and the guile of the Duke Of Wellington… my great ancestors. Now still on the subject of the Haiti disaster – Sage also told me that he had sent recorded delivery to the poor people of Haiti a box of twelve eggs. I mean how tight is that Sage? It’s utterly lacking in any form of moral adherence to the reality of the situation at hand. Another topic I feel I must broach is that Sage said that the gods had been wide of the mark in terms of who should suffer at the hands of nature, ‘Gods wrath” as Sage put it. The point he was making I feel was that he felt that the wrong people had been caught in the disaster, nature’s crossfire if you like and that Leona Lewis and her like should have be buried alive instead. He also made the point that he wished that she had been trapped under rubble while singing that awful song,” everybody hurts” badly. A cruel indictment I say for to me the great R.E.M classic is just that – a classic for the ages and is always guaranteed to end a party that is in full swing.

So allow me to add my two penny worth, I will say this: if it was a choice between her and a little Haitian child I would say to the diggers ignore the so called indifferent soul destroying warbling and dig out the child… leave Leona to St Peter… let him have a bit of it,. And after he has heard what we have had to put up with over the Pop Factor years he can send the bitch straight to hell.

I take it back Sage – you have a point no doubt… leave the awful singer under the rubble… we really would be making the world a better place… In fact we could throw Tess Daily in the pit for good measure and perhaps Amanda Holden just for fun?… Even Jamie Oliver could be rubble-ised just for high jinx and Ant and Dec for heck of it. Oh my word… this is just the job… we could have thrown Piers Morgan under the rubble just for the devils pleasure. So we agree at last Sage: death to the warbling menaces and irritants of our world and for all they stand for, death to the infidel… yes it won’t be sports relief it will be our relief. So Yes, perhaps the gods have got it wrong again. I say it is a sad state of affairs when crap reigns supreme and a fine nation is buried alive.
So now finally we move forward to the World Cup in South Africa and i wish England well and hope they give the Yanks a good pasting in there opening match…Come on Rooney carry us home…Three Lions and all that…

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