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55. Paul McKenna Stigmata

Posted on: September 14th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

Paul McKenna CartoonI would like to mention the time when I showed him Sage that is the wonderful healing face of Paul McKenna on my stretched batwing. He scoffed and said it was probably one of Otis Van Strapon’s or indeed Hank Marvin’s tattoos and for me to say it was my own Turin Shroud was plainly sacrilegious.

Now I can see his point if it were indeed true that Otis inscribed my batwing with the wonderful healing face of Paul McKenna… but it was not so because like the wonderful shroud and the healing waters of Lourdes, it just appeared. How dare Sage decry such Holy happenings? How dare he! It was my own personal stigmata and he mocks me like he was Lenny Bruce and I was a cock sucking half breed like I was a Frankie goes to Hollywood video. It’s not on.

Max BygravesNow as I have said before my friends and admirers; I do like Sage but he is his own worst enemy as far as I am concerned. Let me explain… I mean he didn’t take at all seriously Van Strapon’s ‘Birth in a bag’. When will Sage recognize Otis Van Strapon for the genius that he is? The thing is ladies and gentlemen, I (the Colonel) have a son that was conceived in a Morrisons bag and before you charge in with my low sperm count…well, if you want to be technical about the exercise I will admit to having a donor. The fact of the matter is my ego and my confidence took a knocking when I found out that it was Max Bygraves (the sixties comedian) who donated his jocular sperm to Van Strapon, who in turn did the business  to whatever contents were in the Morrisons bag. However, I do have a problem because Sean Bean is suing me for custody. He says that it was his sperm that found its way into the Morrisons shopping bag. I refute that in the strongest possible terms and cannot take seriously his claim of fatherhood. Bean said that he can pinpoint the time and the date of conception. He says it took place in a lull in filming and says he knocked one out in a plastic cup that found its way into Van Strapon’s Morrisons bag. And if you believe that you will believe that John Travolta and Tom Cruise are real men (in a Godly sense of course).

Sean Bean insists  the he was first to ejaculate into Van Strapon’s  Morrisons bag and that any other claim on fatherhood would be useless, especially the by old man Bygraves. But I tell you this – not a body is going to take my son Herman away from his Aunty Maud… not a body I say! Or at least it will be over mine… dead body etc.

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One Response

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