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106. Sage in perverted mode

Posted on: May 9th, 2010 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

To my dear friends and enemies alike, hello and welcome to my new series of memoirs and of course a new series of interviews… Before we begin I must say I think and have certainly felt and this is after much deliberation and discussion with wiser men than I… Point is I have come to the simple conclusion, some may say a logical one – that I shall be a little kinder to Sage in these writings, the operative word of course being “little” like the meandering penis that he is, there I go again but like always, the truth will out…

For it seems to the untrained eye that Sage has felt that I have been a little too abrasive towards his good self in the past months and years… like a pumice stone on a French maids nipple at a cocaine party with the Chelsea set in the early sixties… but I digress, Sage feels that I have unfairly accused him of sexual deviancy, thrusting and fisting and of course his personal favorite – naked oil wrestling with Israeli she-males in secrete locations in Palestine… but I say not a bit of it, I mean is it coincidence that I have caught him in a number of compromising postures over the years?

The first coincidence was finding Sage (our bow-tie short wearing protagonist) bending over Faye Featherlites old School trunk under the pretence of packing tuck for his son Max and in the process leaving nothing to the imagination – to cut to the chase Sage was naked, I know for a fact dear sweet once innocent Max will be scarred for life and will never look at a strawberry bon-bon in the same way again… shame on you Sage.

On another occasion the vile man Sage had his fur shorts around his ankles while Fay Featherlite – with needle and thread in hand – claimed to be sewing something on to the preposterous backend of the fur lined number. Let me add (so as not to cause confusion in the ranks) that the shorts in question would only seem credible at a posh prep school in middle of the fucking Russian tundra, if of course there was such a place…

Now I can say and confirm that there were some red buttons on the side table accompanied by needles and thread, this is no lie on Sages front but I do feel the buttons were no more than an illusion, a mere  distraction from what was really going on… So I pose the simple questions: if the pairing were involved in an innocent needle and thread moment why were the said shorts around the ankles? Why was Featherlite beaming? Or should I ask why was Faye Featherlite flushed and breathless? It does not bare thinking about. And I have to say I told them in no uncertain terms to “pull those gross shorts up and go to the bedroom you mucky pair!” Sewing on red buttons really! I beseech thee… Truth is I feel Sage had threatened our limp wristed hero with the sack if he did not carry out the dastardly act, yes Sage forced Featherlite into this action…

I feel it could have been all the talk of David Frost’s anal polyp that caused our man Macorkadale to stir in such a manner…whatever turns you on, and a polyp up the arse does not do it for me. Sage protested vehemently but I know what I saw and I know what I believe and to echo the words of the great Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger after that vile Ryan Shawcross tackle on Aaron Ramsay, Wenger said that “Arsenal players are targeted and I only believe what I see” and what I saw was two men in thrusting position – Sage bent double like a character from a Wilfred Owen poem and Faye Featherlite acting out his own form of Olde Main Drag… This whole aspect of Sage’s seedy nature reminds me of a soft porn film that I came across not so long ago… now you must understand pornography is not something I indulge in too often… unless of course I am doing research rather like my olde sparring partner Peter Townsend he being a very good friend of my olde Uncle Eric whose train games as you know are stuff of legend… So allow me to explain in the best way I can – the old DVD was given to me by Sage by accident. It was a mistake on Sage’s part, well, I assume this to be the case anyhow. Point being; the versatile disc was given to me by Sage in a pile of olde jumble for the local church fate.

It was at a time when Father Fisty (who was also know as Father Feisty by his adored flock) was doing his bit for an aids charity, important work I say, no doubt of that. However, I do feel that it was very lucky that the said dirty disc wasn’t watched by any of the old ladies of the W.I. who ran the jumble for Fisty. For I fear that if any one of those old ladies had watched the said footage they would have pegged out… yes had they seen the contents of Sage’s film I have no doubt that hearts would have stopped beating. I mean; to see “Jack the Lash” (also the title of said feature) whacking Philip Schofield across his bare bottom with a double flick whip whilst tugging on his testicles with a knotted kipper tie was quite inventive in a disturbing kind of way. I mean the whip I can only describe as a dangerous looking toy because it was drawing little droplets of blood from the exposed pleasured part of the perverted Ice dance enthusiast.
Yes the daytime chat show host was being suitable pleasured as far as I could see by Jack The Lash, all this while Holly Willoughby watched on in childlike admiration and amazement as she lubricated her own luminous strap on, the said item had been given to her by the Loose Woman singing star Jane MacDonald who in turn had stolen it from a butch Lesbian who had buggered her senseless in Jane’s celebratorial cabin while on tour singing in her cruise ship days.

I do wonder, was this the real Philip Schofield or a paid look alike? For if it was the real silver fox I feel it would indeed have upset the old one eyed, one legged spinster Mrs. Margaret Bosomy Peningford who lives for Dancing On Ice, and I feel that to have seen Schofield with his rear end on fire would have finished her off… and if not, it would have been enough to make the old girls heart go all a flutter and that in itself could have put the nail in the proverbial coffin. I have to add this was not the worst of the whole episode because Jack The Lash (the star of the show) had on a gimp mask, leather shorts skimmed with a mock chain mail fringe, a leather glove and a silk bow tie around his neck. The question is posed who is Jack The Lash?

All can say is thank our dear Lord that I found the old DVD otherwise I do believe there would have been trouble in paradise. Shame on you Sage for being so clumsy with the evidence of your dalliance as Jack The Lash, and “no” you can’t hide, its too damn obvious that the man behind the mask (like David Carradine as Frankenstein in Deathrace 2000) is Sage Macorkadale… So it is said you are the famed Jack the Lash… eh Sage? And I have the proof as this indiscrete dalliance. Yes you can run but you can’t hide, you are a vile man with no redeeming qualities or features and you say that I’m as mad as the March Hair now if that isn’t the pot calling the black man an Indian I don’t know what is…

Bearing all this decadent behavior in mind I must say this – Sage is in denial with regard to his unsavorily past and I feel that this is why I think he is so averse towards The Knob Brothers and their wonderful music… I mean, the wonderful song ‘Twilight Fixture’ a celebration of alternative sexuality was dismissed like a Jew in Germany an awful thing to do in the circumstances. To poor scorn on transvestite love, and Jewish pain, I say – shame on you Sage! Beyond the pail … acting like a Muslimist cleric from the Whitechapel Mosque. Sadly it does get worse people – because Sage then had a go at the song about lost love called ‘Agatha’. From my understanding a song about finding love, losing love and finding it again in your dotage, a beautiful concept in a world of violence and youth culture. Well how fine is that? To dismiss the idea as is “vomit inducing.” It is cruel to the last Sage, to say that ‘Agatha’was a down and out and was probably covered in pigeon shit and urine. I mean, Sage also said that the song’s video made him sick to the stomach to see old people kissing in public. He says they should be arrested for gross indecency…Typical Sage… reactionary to the last.

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