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97. Ron’s dusters

Posted on: November 28th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 4 Comments

Let me say withoutpiers morgan cartoon irony or any fear of it that life is so hard and those of you that know… know that this is a song by the esteemed Kelvin Candleford, another man from the streets of London Town. A song that tears the eye, a song that Sage ridiculed beyond reason. Candleford was found strumming his guitar in a another public convenience… I say another because this time it was Charing Cross as opposed to King Cross – not a salient point but true. I know Sage is fan of both public amenities…(he won’t admit it but he always got a bag of twenty pence pieces on him for lavatorial pursuits).

The point about it is my friends; the bounder Ronnie Kray cut Candleford in full view of Sage and the studio audience, I know it was only a modest scratch and I am sure that the audience thought that they were play acting, but I ask you: how long are we going to put up with Sage condoning such activities? And, to top the lot, I am appalled that Sage allowed Ronnie Kray to threaten the famous pie maker Aunt Bessie with a cutting. All this without protest! The man Sage is a cowardly custard…You must go with me on this my friends, and you will when I say that another one of Ronnie’s ideas accepted without question by Sage… and then put into practice by Ron’s cousin Freddie Kavanagh was to get young boys to sell door to door. His less than enterprising invention of the double sided duster. One side for high places with a coarse weave and the other – a soft leathery side for the lower reaches… not forgetting Ronnie’s soppy oven glove concept with Reggie and Ronnie printed on each hand respectively. I mean, would you buy such an item? Well of course you wouldn’t. But if Ron said that you had to buy his wares at inflated prices it would be hard to say no to a Mrs Doubtfire lookalike brandishing a cut throat razor, need I say more… I mean Sage is a disgrace for allowing Ronnie to advertise his kitchen wares on the show. But then again, perhaps Ron had threatened Sage. Like I
Say: Mackorkadale has no back bone.

Just to let you know that (it’s all a bit of whimsy) I’ve told Ronnie Kray that Piers Morgan called him a thug, poof and bully. He didn’t really say those things but hey; like I always say… and have just said… it is important to rid the world of cancerous growths and Morgan falls into that particular definition of slow death and deserves one… a slow death that is.

Ronnie was infuriated, incensed, seething, and boiling by what Piers has said and Ron has stated that is that he will hunt down Morgan and cut him up, rip out his heart with a pair of barbeque tongs (nice), pop his eye balls with a Bic biro, slash him with a steak knife, pop his cheek bones with a knuckle duster, burst his ear drums with a compass and burn his balls with a Bunsen burner… Ron’s words not mine… But all I can say is this: I wouldn’t fancy being Piers for all the spare ribs in Brick Lane. Especially when you consider that Piers Morgan has publicly agreed with boxing promoter Bob Arum and called all mixed martial artist’s a bunch of lycra-short wearing Nancy boys. Piers Morgan said that if he was trained up himself he could put a pounding on any one of them, especially Brock Lesner who he dismissed as an oversized hillbilly and who was not fit to clean Billy Ray Cyrus’s boots.

Piers really does have a big mouth… I know Brock is livid and has plans to rip Morgan’s head clean off… which… like I say… would be beneficial to all mankind. But like I have said, this is all high jinks and whimsy on my part. Piers never said anything of the sort but I would do anything to rid the world of the little shit… I am (as Muhammad Ali used to call myself and Howard Cosell)… I am an instigator.

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4 Responses

  1. John says:

    Let me just say LOL fucking LOL

  2. Leave Piers alone, he’s not a bad guy. There are loads of more annoying men out there.

  3. RONNIE KRAY says:

    No he needs to be tortured and i will catch him and do it… I will cut him….

  4. Thanks mate. Great site you have here. Got some more websites to direct to with a bit more stuff like this?

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