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82. Who is the pubic monster?

Posted on: June 21st, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 3 Comments

Hello my dear friends I hope that you are well and in good order unlike my good self who has found myself in trouble after an embarrassing social faux pas when if referred to Lennys Henry’s testicles as a dirty pair ofMaureens carrot cake sootys… I was only making a satirical reference to the Prince Charles affair and now I have been castigated and shot down like a German pilot over the olde East End. But nevermind, such is life. And now I will get straight to the point. The point is that I do believe that you have questioned my attitude toward the man that is Sage Mackorkadale. Well my dear friends, ‘up your pipe’ as they used to say in the trenches. You may very well say ‘up yours as well!’… My answer to that is ‘Well done. Good on ya’… I do like a confrontational atmosphere… like a Jew in a mosque on the outskirts of Palestine… it keeps the juices flowing. But, onwards and upwards as the art mistress said to the gardener. Now I shall turn you into believers because I have proof of Sage’s sullied indiscretions. Some might find my disclosures a little unpalatable. Distasteful as it were, but here goes anyway… it will help you form an honest opinion of Sage – the Pimpernel that he has become.

The truth is that Maureen our make-up artist found a pubic hair on her Marks and Spencer mini carrot cake. It wasn’t a willy nilly placement. Rather, it had been nurtured in such a way that it formed the top part of the carrot emblem. Trust Sage to try to be arty farty with his pubic placement. Any other person would have just made the placement and that in itself Ron Chopper Harrris cartoonwould have been enough. How did I know it was Sage’s pubic indiscretion? That is easy -  I had it DNA tested at Van Strapon’s Laboratory at the back of Ron Chopper Harris’s sweet shop on the Kings Road. It was proof positive. It was indeed Sage’s and the ex-Chelsea hard man was in a state of fist clenching rage when he heard of this aspect of Sage’s nature. So, you see my friends… nothing is as it first seems. So when you see Sage smiling in that supercilious way, just you remember: it could be your aunties bread pudding next!

Finally I would just like to add it took me hours to restrain Ron Harris who wanted to march round to the Mackorkadale estate with a petrol can and a tyre… God knows what he wanted to do to Sage. I suppose one can only surmise that Sage is a lucky boy…

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3 Responses

  1. bill Webster says:


  2. RONNIE KRAY says:

    Dirty Bastards…

  3. That is so disgusting, poor Maureen, what a horrible thing to happen to her carrot cake.

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