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68. Punting with Sage and Sol

Posted on: January 25th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 2 Comments

Ladies and gentle folk of the world… Well, those of you who care anyway: I, Yes me Colonel Crabtree-Smythe -the hero of many and enemy of some, have been accused of Sage baiting like I was Muhammad Ali picking on Sonny Liston with a clan hat on. I categorically deny that gross outrage in relation to my attitude towards the man, the simpering wet cod, sexual deviator and fetish fiend that is Sage Mackorkadale. All I can say is that the proof of Sage’s double life is out there like the X-files or Hugh Hucknall’s wonderful but now shredded dreads .

Believe this or not; I do have film footage of Sage (Wham period George Michael’s wannabe) with Sol Campbell (the Portsmouth and ex-England centre half) on a Regents Park boating lake – in Brideshead Revisited posture… all shorts, floppy cuffs and stripy espadrilles. The scene is quite sweet if one can dismiss the fact that Sage wishes to deny all aspects of this part of his distorted nature. Now, when questioned he winced like a school boy who had been caught bang to rights with cigarette in mouth in the gents… but he still refused to admit his wrongdoing It’s was this fear of such unbidden thoughts, the fear of being found out, the fear of falling into the pit of lustful distorted limp wristed eroticism that stops him admitting anything now. Sage hates to be judged just as he dost judge! This puts Sage into a mindset of absolute denial. So with a ‘hand in glove’ and ‘the sun shines out of our behinds’ attitude Sage battles on. I mean… it’s like… it’s like Monty banging on the door… aroused and fit to burst in ‘Withnail and I’. Manner-or like an early Style Council music video: all oil and naked flesh. Like a ‘Priscilla Queen of the Desert’ fantasy- Sage dressed as Cilla Black fisting Sol Campbell dressed as Boy George as they sweep the New York Streets. All this as Eddie Izzard in drag performs a lewd act with a carrot whilst Matt Lucas shits his nappy!!

Now, the assimilatory aspect of this sordid adventure is caught on camera (as I have said) and Sage is begging me not to place it on YouTube. The man said if I destroy the film of he and Sol Campbell’s boating shenanigans and devious weather forecasting he would give me a lift on his punter. I said to him “Ahh is that what they’re calling it now?!” I can’t say the he was amused… he seems to be able to blot out the more sordid aspects of his nature and that’s when he dropped his butt plug! I watched him kick it under the mixing desk thinking I hadn’t seen…

I let the incident pass without comment, why embarrass the chap? Why destroy him live on screen as it were? You could say that the whole thing was sad but true. But I assure you, when you see the film footage of Campbell with his Teddy bear in Brideshead repose… and Sage on the punt… you will not question me or my motives in having to tell the truth about Sage’s contradictory fruity frolics…

You will find the excuses that the unscrupulous pairing have made are in essence quite far fetched. I say why would you go into the reeds to listen to the shipping forecast?! I know that it is Sol’s unbinding ambition and life long passion… yes his love of shipping forecasts is the stuff of legend… and that’s why I believe he moved to Portsmouth all those years ago. But to say that the only reason they found themselves in the foliage was that the Regents Park Mosque had its windows open and Sol couldn’t hear his precious forecast on the radio because of the loud chanting. Well! It’s a little hard to swallow (if you pardon tenuous the pun)…

Now moving on. My biggest fear is that I should be blamed for the unscrupulous anti-Islamic anti-Semitic and homophobic utterings of the mad man that is Sage. The fact of the matter is he blames me for everything negative about his show and that’s not on! Let’s be honest, people only listen to it because of me… this is not ego but the truth. But I refuse to continue taking bullets for him… and I’m tired of keeping Alan Sugar at bay… the bulldog that he is. I know Sage thinks I am unfair in this respect but I say ‘bollocks’! The point about it is I have seen the scar tissue on the bottom of one of Sugar’s ex apprentices (Sugar doesn’t mess about what with his olde East End connections). So all I can say is if Sage wants a fight I will give him one… Jenny Two Fingers to the lot of them I say. I can’t help my feelings in this regard. I mean – Sage (if the truth were known) wants me out of the picture… he wants me in Parkhurst prison or worse Highgate cemetery… he said that… his words not mine…

I ask you is that fair? I am an old soldier looking forward to my retirement from public life with the Chelsea pensioners and weekly visits from Michael Parkinson. I have already been fitted for my red coat by Sage’s tailor Gaylord Crimson of Saville Row.

So you see how things are not what they appear to be on the surface…

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2 Responses

  1. RONNIE KRAY says:

    I like a bit of punting!!!

  2. Honestly, that’s an amazing blog.

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