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71. Ray Winstone

Posted on: February 15th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

ray winstoneAfter seeing Ray Winstone’s advertisement for Kelloggs… or whatever it was he had decided to sell, Martin Scorsese fell in love with the Proletariat actor and was soon on the phone to sign Ray up for a part in The Departed… and I do know that the famous director (and face of American Express) Scorsese was blown away by Ray’s follow up advertisement – the one incorporating or resurrecting Tony the Tiger of ‘I’ve got a Tiger in my tank’. You know the one… where Ray bursts out of a petrol tank with a box of Frosties in one hand and Simon Weston in the other. Scorsese was heard to say that the performance reminded him of early Brando and that he had to work with Ray again even if it killed him. But I must tell you this fans and enemies alike: Sage has put the whole advertisement on YouTube with a different sound track and re-edited picture. Sage is trying to be arty farty, saying words that Ray won’t like such as: ‘I’m a worthless punk who can’t do a very good American accent’. I mean! Sage has tried to disguise his voice – don’t try satire Sage. you need a degree of wit for that! Anyway the fact is, I know that high pitch vocal any day of the week and Sage you’re screwed. Have I intrigued you dear reader? Of course I have. Is there more? Of course there is.

Sage has even suggested that only one of them is a real hero and that one of them pretends to be. I think Sage is suggesting that Ray Winstone is a pretender to Simon Weston’s melted crown. Yes he has interspersed a picture of the Belgrano going down and has photoshopped a screaming flaming man jumping ship. My mouth is filled with distaste like I was Paul Burrell on a Saturday night… but I bet Ray is livid… and Sage I feel I must warn you that Ray trains for an hour on a big heavy bag everyday. He has his now infamous pool ball in a sock at hand and he is searching for the perpetrator of the YouTube placement. Be scared Sage, be very scared. I mean, Ray Winstone is easily slighted – he is already sick and tired of this country – he says it’s gone to the dogs, too many people on benefits, unemployed wastrels and has threatened to leave England. He says it’s not how it used to be when he was the ‘Daddy’ – he now wants a police state set up to shut down the hoodies. He is sick of all the immigrants and he doesn’t like paying taxes… he is very much like Ronnie Kray in that respect… but I feel Sage’s attack could very well be the last straw.

I also wonder that, after seeing Sage’s YouTube distortion, will the wonderful Scorsese want Winston to play Simon Weston in his forthcoming blockbuster? I do hear it was going to be called ‘I Too Have a Tiger In The Tank’ or ‘The Simon Weston Story: Up in Flames’. A distasteful package in its entirety and I do hear that the soundtrack is to be performed by Slade. It sounds wonderful to me but the question remains has Sage destroyed Winston’s Hollywood aspirations with such a tasteless internet video? I think the worst thing about this whole affair was when Sage suggested that Simon Weston had scared the children at a party and that they had become spooked when the war hero had entered the room thinking he was Freddie Kruger the famous child killer and that things had got a lot worse when without thinking Simon put on his beloved red and black hooped hockey top. Sage really does push things too far at times a bit like Hitler….

joanna lumleyI hate to belittle Sage but I have to! The man thinks he is funny referring to his new show ‘Chit a Chat’ as ‘Tit a Tat’. I mean… come on! Chris Moyles does better than that and he is a retard of the highest order!… and I think he’s a perfect example that infanticide could have worked for the benefit of human kind if those namby pamby liberals hadn’t banned it. We could have thrown Moyles over a cliff as a newborn and radio would have been instantly better and no one would have known why or how. I didn’t mean that on a general basis my good friends… it’s just Moyles gets under my skin. As for Sage, he is mundane with his silly joke. He says it was an accident and that he never meant to say it… a slip of the tongue as it were… but I think he has run mad and is trying to keep up with the shock jocks of the world – J.Ross and R.Brand spring to mind! Sage wants to be like them and make sexual jokes to shock and alienate his audience of middle Englanders… he flirts with Featherlite! Yes, he has lost his mind and without me I feel he would be lost. He is free falling like Tom Petty. He says I’ve driven him to drink and have made his life a misery because certain B list celebrities won’t come on to his show. But it was Sage who had a go a Joanna Lumley and once again I feel he was trying to shock and appal his listeners… he was shooting low for cheap laughs but he said that she may have been a sex symbol but that now she has nothing but a flaccid cunny and to see it would not be a privilege. Awful and cruel I say not to say offensive and vulgar. And Sage says it is I who takes him into the mire!

But the show without me is chaos and I only speak as I find. What with that half breed Alvin Lindwall doing his detective work – taking finger prints at the door and splashing talcum powder all over the floor looking for evidence. He was naturally concerned (as we all were) about the whereabouts of that missing girl in Portugal… but come on, I’ve seen better detective work done by Chief Inspector Clouseau! All I can say is Lindwall should stick to mopping and leave the experts to the finding of dear sweet Madeline. Send the SAS in I say, but no one listens to me and to be honest I find that very hurtful. But I feel I must say one other thing about Sage that disagrees with me and that is that he does continually (and with out irony or satirical bent) deny that the holocaust happened. He said that the Jews made it up so that they can justify maintaining a stronghold in Israel. I think Sage is like Dr Strangelove – a loveable Hawkinesque character like the Artful Dodger but with a limp. I also think he has Teutonic fantasies beyond the norm of being a Michel Ballack fan… because when asked what colour he wanted the canteen to be painted in – instead of saying Pure Brilliant White he retorted with contempt and vile in his eyes. ‘I want it painted in Third Reich White!’. All this said with a tourettes like stutter. He carried on eating his eggs pretending that he hadn’t said anything to offend a Nation… ‘Oh-oh it’s very dirty in here and it could do with a white wash’ he finished. Then he started singing White Christmas as he left the studio, clicking his Gaylord Crimson assimilatory jack boots as the swinging door shut behind him.

I tell you Sage you cannot be trusted, there is something behind the eyes… somewhat like Alistair Campbell, the demon creature, the lurching lurker, the baby killer and it’s very scary. He has no humanity, he only cares about his show, he treats the back room boys with contempt… he even called Cecil Parkinson an awful man and that since his sex change operation (Cecil’s that is)he has behaved like Margaret Thatcher on acid. Although I feel Sage is not far off having the obligatory snip tuck and fold treatment himself! But I say poor Cecil…

I mean, Sage did nothing to help Faye Featherlite in his hour of need. I on the other hand flew straight out to Thailand as soon as I heard that Glitter had been in touch with Faye. I did talk him down from the building as it were and helped him deal with the demons and scars of the past so that he could move on mentally from the hideous assault he had experienced at the hands of Paul Gadd the Glittered assailant. But did Sage show any sympathy? No… he threatened Featherlite with the sack for not being at work without a sick note..

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One Response

  1. Liz Trider says:

    I must agree with you, very good factors you have made for your case.

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