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86. Ronnie Kray’s Flat

Posted on: July 18th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 8 Comments

Yronnie kray cartoonou may have heard Sage talk about his favourite Indian meal and say that his favourite is ‘Scotch Bonnet Tika’. Well! All can say is that I’m sure that most of you have not heard of a curry called ‘Scotch Bonnet Tika’ and it was some sort of a giveaway when on the phone to Les Dennis that he said he would like Les to squeeze a lemon on his bhajis. This (I have subsequently found out) is underground sex talk used by some soulfully disfigured celebratory types. I am sure you can imagine the sort of things that go on at these show business bashes… it’s not good is it?

But where did this underground sex talk originate you may well ask? Oh yes… oh yes you’ve got it in one… you must never underestimate Sage’s capacity for distasteful merriment and the pictures that have come to light of a young man in Gaylord Crimson shorts sitting on Ronnie Kray’s lap with a lighted sparkler in one hand and Ron’s roman candle in the other… well! I ask you: could this have been Sage? The question is posed. Was he one of the founders of the deeper than deep underground Palari that had supposed to have started in Ronnie Kray’s flat Walthamstow?

I Les Dennis naked againthink this whole thing could be Sage’s dark secret. What does give him a ‘scotch bonnet tika’ mean? What does it really mean?… Is it a sexual term or is it a term that relates to the cutting of an enemy’s testicles? I put this to Sage over coffee and he said that the pictures weren’t of himself but of a young Les Dennis… I said – ‘but those Gaylord Crimson shorts were a dead giveaway!’ But Sage insisted that the shorts were not pucker Gaylord attire and pointed out the testicular pocket on his own shorts. Indeed there was a missing side show on the said photo. Then Sage showed me a photograph of a young Les Dennis. I mean; Les Dennis will strip off at the drop of a hat and I have the film footage that proves this. So – Yes give Les any excuse to bend over and get screwed by the company… that’s networking.

My dear friends… I was going to ease up on Sage but this attitude he has to any ambition from our backroom staff. I mean, the feedback that ‘we in the business’ are getting from America with regard to the success of the eighties comedian and game show host Larry Grayson is wonderful. They are re-running some of his shows and it seems that everyone in America has caught on to Larry’s catch phrase “shut that door”. The point about it is everyone that has seen Faye’s pilot show ‘Limp Wristed Affairs’ with his own catch phrase “speak for yourself” – a great catchphrase, up there with best and even better than the Cornflake salesperson Ray Winston’s ‘I’ve got a Tiger in my tank’…

I feel sure, confident and positive that Featherlite’s show will be successful in America. But will Sage endorse Faye’s late night extravaganza?… not a bit of it. He would rather Featherlite vegetates on his show, working in the back room with Alvin Lindwall and Winston. Shame on you Sage.

Another thing that Sage will ultimately have to apologise for is calling the wonderful Lotto salesperson Billy Connolly a nonce. Not on I say! I have tried in vain to emphasise the fictitious aspect of the whole thing but Sage would like to think the worst of the Lotto salesperson. Big Pammy is livid and has made threats against Sage, using her Janet Street Porter persona – because once she puts on that coat and puts the teeth in… well! I certainly would not like to be in the way. The whole thing is too silly for words. Sage is leafleting the local community asking them to get Billy to give himself up at the local Police Station. Another point to be made from all of this is that if you do see big Pammy tearing down Sage’s hideous posters, tell her to go home and comfort Billy for no one really believes that Billy that is a lollipop salesman.
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8 Responses

  1. Ha, I first read ‘Scotch Bonnet Tika’ as ‘Scottish Bonnet Tika’. That would make for an interesting meal. Regardless of the fact, I haven’t heard of either :)

  2. Can’t say I’ve heard of the Scotch Bonnet Tika either but I think I’d like to learn more! :) I just listened to the show and it sounds great.

  3. The cultural diversity makes you have Scotch Bonnet Tikka! who would have thought about it so many years ago?!

  4. Oh yeah, squeezing a lemon on your bhajis definitely sounds like a sex thing. It doesn’t sound particularly pleasant though, I’m not sure if that’s really my kind of thing. If I asked my girlfriend to squeeze a lemon over my bhajis she wouldn’t think about Indian takeaway.

  5. Jim says:

    Doesn’t sound so bad as a tikka with maybe a little naan on the side? Missing something here?

  6. As the colonel writes – Is it a sexual term or is it a term that relates to the cutting of an enemy’s testicles? i think if you ate a Scotch Bonnet Chile it would certainly have that affect.

  7. Really? I think sweezing it on some spare ribs is a lot more appealing. I definately think the way forward is to keep to the good old yoghurt :P. Yummm…

  8. I think sweezing it on some spare ribs is a lot more appealing.

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