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31. The sausage: In art and warfare

Posted on: May 9th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 2 Comments

I will now move onto politics Fat Gordon the Prime Minister has gone to pieces. Davis Cameron has threatened to cut him up with a bottle. Worrying stuff for the ex-Chancellor of the exchequer… especially as William Hague has william hague attacks!threatened to do Judo on him… naked. Yes! The Tory boy that is William Hague is at it again… I am thinking of setting up a series of bouts – wrestling that is – it would be very nostalgic to bring my nemesis and ball poacher the esteemed Michael Hesletine out of retirement. I heard on the grapevine that he is itching to get his hand on the black belt pretender that is Hague. The fact that Hague has cheapened the art of wrestling with his naked attacks on certain back benchers in the corridors of power must have something to do with it I feel. And you may well ask the question “why haven’t these debaucheries come to light until now?” It’s the code. In the politicians handbook an unwritten law (if you like a wall of silence). It’s like the East End of London in the 1960s… Kray Twin London… No Mosques then. But the naked aspect is of course a bridge too far and it has to stop. It all came to a head when Anne Widicombe in trouser suit was mistaken for a High Court Judge. It started when Hague in a state of full arousal pounced on the would be Judge from on top of one of the House of Commons lockers. Anne said that Hague had taken her from behind without warning and in a frenzied attack (in Hesletine mode) had tried to pluck out one of her non existent testicles only to tug on her sagging labia. He must have thought Hesletine had got there first! But what shocked William most was when he found Anne to have a pierced clitoral hood and as he squeezed the jewellery Anne quivered with pleasure as the clit ring came free. Hague pocketed the ring piece and has refused to return it… For to him that would be an admission of guilt.

But anyway that was not the end. For this only lead to the unbuckling of Annie’s flesh colored Stays releasing her adequate busty substances. A moment of supreme embarrassment for Anne. So all in all Hesletine has agreed to take Hague on and avenge the now ailing Widicombe and he has promised to retrieve the ring of pleasure for it is rumored that the bounder that is Hague has the said ring fitted onto his own ailing Tory boy…

Anyway this is pointless… You want to know about me. Now, Sage and I started this series of interviews discussing art. Sage was shocked at my knowledge on the subject. Especially of my inside information on Vincent Van Gough and Terry Van-Ike the senior. Sage said that I was like Simon Schama, but older. I think that is what he said… But knowing Sage their was probably some underlying insult. Now you may think that I have an unhealthy attitude towards Sage and that I keep picking on him…

Tony Robinson uncovers the missing sausagesI say ‘not true’ as far as this accusation is concerned… And I will prove it with my next statement. The fact that Sage didn’t take me seriously when I spoke of the Sausage in relation to the second World War. What I mean is, if it wasn’t for the Germans losing their sausages they would have beaten the Russians in Stalingrad hands down and a different scenario would have transpired. The fact of the matter is we would all be goose stepping and rounding up the Jews. For all I can say is, proof of this was found in Belarus… In Minsk, by Tony Robinson of Black Adder fame. Yes the wonderful pseudo-archeologist has proven my theories to be correct. For on one of his programs for the BBC, three hundred thousand frozen German sausages were found… Which of course proves my point with regard the importance of the sausage in History and proves that Vincent Van Gough was a visionary, like Nostradamus.

Another point that you may take into consideration is that Birds Eye (the frozen food corporation) has bought the consignment of sausages and Suggs of Madness fame will be advertising them on late night television with his song Our House. Strange but true. But Suggs is a sausage if you get drift. Or to be frank he is a COCK and should be buried in Stalingrad along with Griff Rhys Jones. Yes, Griff Rhys Jones… for being the voice over pratt that he is! Sorry for that outburst, I just had a vision of stabbing Griff in the bottom with a Stanley knife. Sorry about that, I’ve been watching far too many Nick Love Films…

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2 Responses

  1. Alan Nobrot says:

    I love sausage !!!

  2. It all sounds delicious! but for me there is no better than “Polish boy” a kielbasa(sausage) with cole slaw, pulled pork and french fries. My favorite polish food.

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