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30. Shagging Pygmies

Posted on: April 21st, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Pygmy shaggersSo bottoms up inwards and upwards as it were… But anyway I said to Lindwall that he must remain staunch in his beliefs whatever they are and that we must move forward together as one… Like Spartans or Nazis. I didn’t really know the point I was trying to make to Lindwall as I edged to the door. But I told him that I suffer from erectile problems and that I had been forgotten and shunned by society and hoodies alike. Then I told him to stop sending pictures of his genitalia over his mobile phone. For in my day we only had morse code and that it took bloody hours to get aroused by all that tapping. It loses something in the translation somehow. But Lindwall was having none of it as he blocked my path with the mop handle…

He said that he loved Mad Migs from the ‘Silence of The Lambs’ film and that he wanted to act out the famous scene in the prison with me as Jodie Foster… That was when I lost my temper and I made a grab for Lindwall’s testicles. They were hideous. They were like two loose apples in a Sainsbury bag… Alien in their grossness. The whole thing was an indictment into a maniacs mindset. The man that is Lindwall is indeed a few dollars less than a pound or was it not the full shilling? It was at this point Geoff Palmer the grumpy old man and Direct line voice over chap jumped out of a box and ran out of the room screaming that he had heard and seen enough and that he had just had a phone call from Sean Bean who had invited him on a trip up the Limpopo River to shag some Pigmies. Odd, we thought, but then these little sell outs deserve each other. Not the Pygmies… The two greedy sales persons. And it was then Lindwall relented his indecent action and he let go of his man part. He then fell to his knees and begged for forgiveness. It was then that I beat him with my stick and tied him and his gross appendages (his balls that is) to a chair. It was then that Lindwall’s dog Herman attacked the offending chair thinking that Lindwall was loving someone other than he….

And then I left the room as Lindwall lay naked on the floor weeping with Herman licking his ball bag. A wonderful act of doggy lovery in itself. But licking Lindwall’s ball bag is not the stuff that dreams are made of eh? ‘Very odd’ I concluded. I fired off a round from my Lugar into his buttock. Lindwall whimpered but soon fell silent…

Thank-you my fans

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