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127. Short Term Ice Dancing / Garry’s New Brand Comic Relief

Posted on: March 27th, 2011 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Hello Richard Keys - Andy Gray Cartoonpeople and welcome to my memoirs and if you have listened to the show then all I can say is, “Short term ice skating for the physically impaired,” I mean really this is beyond the pale… to suggest the physically impaired would even want to ice dance and what’s worse is that this is Sage’s innovation and he has plans to have it broadcast on Channel 5 live. And so I pose the question, what on earth does this imply? Is this some sort of comic relief some sort of vile parlour game while wearing a red nose? I mean to say – will Sage get some sort of perverted, distorted kick out of watching the afflicted of our world sliding around with gay abandon on the ice? And how much will he be paid, and will he give the money to charity, and in return how much will the participants receive for their endeavours on the frozen water? I know that Jenny two fingers, the left wing scope pioneer, is livid with the proposal to have scopers short term ice dance and has informed the Socialist Workers Party  in this regard. Why is this problem for Jenny two fingers and the wonderful organisation that is Scope one might ask?

Well  truthfully  she (Jenny Two Fingers)  is upset and beside herself on behalf of her lover and fellow limbless compadre  Berty No Toes Fowler (the famous apple dunker and left wing speech writer). Jenny is concerned that Berty No Toes Fowler will make a short term fool of himself on the ice, and I have spoken to her on this very subject and she feels passionately  that her dear friend Berty No Toes Fowler will be mocked for his no toe predicament and his lack of ice skating experience she said that “these simple facts imply that the one footed dancer Berty No Toes Fowler and others like him would be laughed at when they fall over and that the whole darn thing is a disgusting inditement of Comic Relief and those that are in charge of the charity”. She also said she has “tried to talk Berty out of competing due to his lack of toes and experience but he is adamant that he must step up to the plate and give his best, even if he is to be sneered at !” I would also like to make the point and to decry Sage’s counterpart in all this, the sadistically mad Ned Lexington who believes that short term ice skating should be an Olympic sport and is rallying round to have the event be part of the London Olympics. I say what infidelic nonsense, it’s like asking a Muslim to go into a gay bar… unless of course said Muslim is gay, or is a Muslim who likes a drink on the sly and sneaks into a gay bar to get a late night drink. Because the the said Muslim knows he would have to be very unlucky to find another Muslim in a gay bar drinking. Point is it probably wouldn’t happen and short term ice skating should be kept well away from the London Olympics. I mean to say the London Olympics are going to be bad enough let alone having scopers compete in the East End, perish the thought! All this said I do take heart at the wonderful Heather McCartney’s actions, who in protest against Ned Lexingtons Olympic proposal is going to throw away her favourite prosthetic limb, the one with the signatures of Richard Keys and Andy Gray on. She said that Keys had come to see her in her hospital bed with regard her one legged protest against short term ice dancing, and although she didn’t think much of it at the time, with the recent harassment charges , she now realises that the dirty sod Keys had asked her to tuck his shirt in for him !
She also added, that is when she noticed his penis was precariously positioned on her bedside table with the foreskin pulled back,she thought that the Valium/morphine had kicked in and that she was hallucinating. However, that’s another story, as I say Heather Mills as she is now known will do a one legged rock around the clock in protest against short term Ice dancing’s Olympic proposition, she says that she won’t have Scopers laughed at under any circumstance especially when the whole world will be watching…

And you can’t say fairer than that… especially now that it has come to light that Lord Sebastian Coe is in full agreement with the disgruntled hoppa! Comic relief indeed!

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