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16. Simon Cowell

Posted on: January 20th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 4 Comments

Simon CowellIt was a strange week for me but before I go on I must say that I bumped into that egotistical twit Simon Cowell- high trouser himself. It was in the store ‘Next’. He was looking to purchase some Y-fronts… I know this because he was holding up a large Bernard Manning type brief and I felt sure that he was tempted to put them onto his head, the fetisher that he is. Yes it was the other day that I met him and we got to talking. I don’t know if he bought the said white large sized flappers, but seeing the gleam in that decedent eye it would not surprise me. And the thought of Cowell with those underpants on with Louie Walsh on his lap pretending to be Archie Andrews the Dummy… Well it’s a sight that would send Granny to the wood shed. I told him that I found him to be a complete Barclays Banker and a crank of the first order. He smiled at me in that insidious way that he does… all knowing, a cretins facade no less. I then added that I didn’t hate him because he’s mean to talentless retards and saps…

I hate him because he drains the life force out of anything pure. I mean… Louie Walsh used to be a Church goer until the decedent Cowells corruptive influences took hold…

If it were my show, X factor, Pop Idol or whatever he’s responsible for… I wouldn’t stop at sending the idiots home after they have ruined numerous amounts of classic songs. I would have them rounded up and I would have them sent to Iraq to be used as cannon fodder. The sinners against humanity that they are. And that way of course no innocents would be lost… We could rid the World of the talentless and crass. But anyway, that is not my point. The point being is that Simon was so excited that he had procured the cretin and lesbian fetisher that is Danni Minouge as one of the judges for his new show. He was so excited that he pulled out a picture of the backward Australian… He then said that he couldn’t believe it… that he had managed to land her because, to his mind, she was so much more sexier than Kylie (that other waste of sperm and spent ovaries). To be fair I agreed with Cowell on this one and I told him so. ‘Yes’ I said, ‘Danni certainly is sexier that her older sister’. Well she would be wouldn’t she? At least she’s got two unfettered tities and I’m not talking about Louis Walsh and Sharon Osborne. Am I being cruel? Yes I am. But I am… so fuck off.

You say I am being cruel about the little cretin that is Kylie? Is it because she had breast cancer and we should praise her for her positive attitude in the face of such an adverse attack on her physiology? Well Micro surgery did the trick for that rich talentless pretender. What about Mabel down the road who cannot afford to have the best treatment and has to have her breast removed?…. All this while her two children are petrified that they might loose Mummy to cancer… And again, all this while she cannot work and the rent may not be covered… All this while her lazy barstard of a husband pisses her money away.
Now that is brave. So fuck Kyle and her titties… Fuck her to bits. Fuck celebrity, fuck the red button pushers… And if you still think that I am being cruel to the little retard… fuck you too…

Brian Sewell CartoonAnyway having the weak bladder that I have, I asked if I could use ‘Next’s’ lavatory and there was Cowell again with Brian Sewell the famous art critic trying on leather jockstraps in judgmental mode… Very odd -but then again Sewell has become a salesmen for Citroen Picasso cars. Now what sort of Art Critic would
do that?… Only a bad one I suppose… And someone not worth taking seriously…

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4 Responses

  1. Jerry Okorie says:

    You’re so funny. I would confront him (Simon) if I should bump into him in a shop.

  2. I read the other day that Simon Cowell is one of the highest paid people in the worldwide TV. And with Susan Boyle in his portfolio…the future is bright?

  3. Very funny, also love the images on the side, yeah he is racking it in just for being Mr tell you straight!

  4. I miss Simon’s acerbic wit on American Idol. I mean love him or hate him you must admit that he is certainly very polarizing. We all know controversy = ratings!

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