weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

149 – How Do You Do What You Do To Me ? Suck It And See!

Posted on: May 13th, 2012 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Lkenny dalglish cartoonife with all its ups and downs its trials and tribulations. Any myriad of clichés you wish to drag out the ether, but life is more than a game of soldiers my good souls its a game of lead soldiers, hidden dangers.
People get hurt,people bleed, people die every day, people lie and cheat,while children suck on the lead and pass in the night and poor old Mary Anne Cotton the infamous Black Widow Killer gets the rope in Durham Prison.

Not the most profound of statements perhaps but really the futility of it all is grinding me down to a paste! I feel as though nothing in this world is the same for any of us ! We all see things differently, we receive things differently , hear things differently, speak, paint, fuck, eat , learn, act,drink,snort, in a word we are all different ! I say learn to let go of the things that you feel define you. Point is I wish to make mention of the fateful afternoon when John Bishop turned up at our ChitaChat studios brandishing a sawn of shotgun a pair of Speedos and a writ from the Old Bailey, it reminded me of a scene from Straw Dogs if only in spirit rather than a precise facsimile!

I think John was livid at the way Sage had dealt with the tragic Hillsbough disaster remembrance day not so long ago. Sage had refused to wear a poppy in remembrance of the dead! He came up with some crack pot excuse that, “poppy’s are worn to remember those lost in conflict!”. I told him “If it makes Bishop happy then just go along!”

I know Bishop is a little backward but I felt after his excursions rowing across the English Channel he was justified in being a little tetchy and truculent ! Sage as normal unable to read the situation started to handout Lindwalls sardine sandwiches, on that day of all days to offer a scouser sardines and then to make it worse by asking if Bishop was a fan tight spaces. Sages little joke didn’t go down too well in scouse circles!

I say all this shows Sages lack of sensitivity yet again and I have to say it was beyond the fringe of normality !
Bishop started to get very animated and he stripped down to his speedos in a show of what I can only describe as a show of his northern masculinity! I felt he was still intent on making some sort of play, of what I was not sure,however i was not wrong.

It was then he started to shout about Kenny Dalglish,”being the greatest Scotsman who ever had lived!”

I replied in utter seriousness, “nonsense its Andy Stewart the Elvis Presley impersonator who is the greatest Scotsman ever to have lived, and that “Donald Wheres Your Troosers” was one of the greatest songs ever written far better that “Ferry across the Mersey” , no argument Bishop!”

Sage then sang “Bishop wheres your troosers?”in a Scottish accent.

That was when the shot gun went off and Lindwall took one in the leg!

B ishop had certainly shown his strength but to be honest he had more than shown his hand and it was a that point Ronnie Kray joined the party and grabbed him from behind, a position I am certain Ron was no stranger to. Ronnie locked in a rear naked choke and began to squeeze on the neck. I saw Bishop go red, then blue, then he went limp. Ron dropped him with disdain and disgust like he was Jon-Bones-Jones and Bishop was The Dragon Lyoto Machida. Ronnie then left the room stating that he had warned Bishop,”I told him not to mess about or I would have to go to work on him,coming in here with all his scouse airs and graces!” Thirty seconds or so passed and Ronnie returned with a hacksaw and a refuse sac he bent down and was just about to saw Bishops foot off when i cried in panic “RON, NO, HE`S NOT DEAD, and he is starting to come round !”

Well isn’t he a lucky scouse so and so!” Ron replied, he then proceeded to drag Bishop towards Lindwalls cupboard by the foot and stuff him in.

“It’s a tight fit but scousers love to squeeze up tight!” said Ron with a sinister smile as he pushed the door shut with his bottom.

“He will be giving us no more problems today !” and he left the room with his hacksaw and refuse sack whistling the tune to the before mentioned Andy Stewart song!

It was then that I realised things had gotten out of hand, jokes misconstrued and misunderstanding was all I could see. Lindwall was moaning and groaning in the corner, he had caught some of the buck shot but he would be fine, nothing too deep I’d seen worse at The Somme! As for Bishop, Sage felt it best we leave him in the cupboard until he cooled off as things had gotten out of hand very quickly and reality had bitten the lead was creeping into the blood stream, I concurred ! I don’t know what the moral of this story is but perhaps it is that scousers are very sensitive and they cant really take a joke as much as they pride themselves on there cheeky sense of humor, that they are an bunch of egotistical sentimental chaps with a rubbish football team, but, if they ask you to wear a Poppy to remember Hillsbough as ridiculous as that may sound, do it, as you might not like the repercussions if you go against the mighty Scousers, and I for one hope Sage has learned his lesson.

Colonel's signature

Be Sociable, Share!


|


Leave a Reply